Where should i begin?
Actually i don't want to write about it here, because i don't want my future-self reads about this darkest point. Because i know it will only makes me sad, angry, stressed, or even depressed whenever i remember it. Even though if it's already so many years passed. I can guarantee.
Well, this torture started some three months ago. From the thing that at first i thought will be one of my glorious time, when i prayed really hard for it at the time, and i poured all my efforts and energy to achieve it. But at the end of the day, this is me digging my own grave.
Everything is never as it seems, indeed. I know i should be grateful for everything i have right now, the goods and the bads. But as an ordinary human, who has expectations, i really can't stand to it anymore. Everything happens in my life is nothing right. Every move i make, useless.
That moment when you realised that you have made the wrong decision, the worst decision in your life. Then i trapped in this lousy jobs that makes me hate evrything about it, every single second. I've tried to look for any positive side about it but nothing. Every day it becomes worsen instead. I don't know what kind of life i'm living amymore. When everything just depresses you, turns you to be the person you are not. What the hell is this?
And when finally you have that wild card, that one chance to escape from all this mess, but then boom! YOU CAN'T GO BECAUSE OF THAT FVCKIN PENALTY. Can i ask what you have done to me, so i have to pay you? I work to earn money, not pay that company!
If, if only i had that much money i would have left this place ASAP, from the very first day of work. Really. But that's the downside of being a person from less-fortunate condition that you can't always have the resources to support you plans and goals. I'm on my way to improve my condition and family, but please give me chance and strength and easiness to do all the work that i have to do!
I really want to have a meaningful job, it's okay for me to work my ass off of it. I really want to have broader knowledge and education, i really wanna see the world in a broader view. Would you please just help me? Please?
Everybody says that there must be a very good reason behind this all. But what? When everyday your life is sucker. I don't believe it anymore. I cant believe. I'm tired, like really tired. Can i just disappear from this all?
And now i dont know to continue my life. How to keep me sane and keep my spirit. I think i already lose my true self. Im a robot now, a robot that only do its tasks and dont know how to live. Im dead inside.
I still wanna grow. I still wanna live. But they just dont understand. They cant understand. I cant trust anybody anymore. I cant trust this life anymore. Eventhough if im still alive tomorrow, i dont know what's my life is for, anymore.
Congratulations for making me such a desperate and irresponsible grown-up person.
