not easy

"I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
digging for kryptonite on this one way street
only a man in a funny red sheet
looking for special things inside of me.."

-Superman (it's not easy) by Five for Fighting-

itu kalo kata Superman, sih. tapi bukan cuma Superman doang yang 'merasakan' itu. walopun aku bukan Superwoman juga, but really, it's not easy to be me.

akhir-akhir ini hidup lagi gak ada yang beres. almost in every aspects of my life.
love life.... ya gitu lah. tau sendiri kan ceritanya kemaren.
work life... yang paling mengganggu karena menghantui tiap hari. gonna talk about it later.
family life... masih ada yang mengganjal juga karena banyak target yang harus dikejar. well, target itu aku sendiri sih yang buat. makanya harus cepet-cepet direalisasikan biar for their own good. tahun depan maksimal rumah jadi, yes?
dan life-life lainnya.

oke sekarang mau cerita dulu yang tentang working life.
intinya lagi demotivated. again. kerjaan banyak tapi ga jelas pembagiannya gimana. redundant sama divisi/grup lain. belum lagi masalah angka dan template yang sering banget berubah di detik-detik terakhir. boss yang entah kenapa akhir-akhir ini terlalu sensitif. perang dingin antara boss dan anak buah yang cuma 2 orang. bener-bener kurang orang tapi ga pernah dapet orang tambahan, padahal load kerja nambah mulu.

dulu gak separah ini, sih. paling nggak masih lebih baik daripada tempat aku yang dulu.
secara kerjaan lebih meaningful, secara eksposur lebih 'keliatan'. tapi juga lebih stress dan lebih gila lemburnya. oke lah aku selama ini juga nerima kan (walopun kalo udah parah banget ya suka uraing-uringan sendiri. dan ambruk tepar abis itu HAHA). cuma kalo harus tetep lembur tapi ga jelas ngerjain apaan dan belum tentu juga itu kerjaan kepake, sebel juga kan?

itulah yang terjadi. sampe-sampe aku dan teman tim ku yang sebatangkara bener-bener ga ngerti lagi harus gimana. putus komunikasi sama si boss. entah emang dia tipenya single fighter atau gimana, direction nya ga jelas. well, ga mau terlalu nyalahin boss juga sih, barangkali maksud dia gak gitu. tapi gimanapun leadership style dia kan harusnya ujungnya harus memastikan kalo reports kita bisa selesai on time. tapi dengan minimnya komunikasi gini kan mana mungkin reports nya bisa selesai tepat waktu dan bener. oke kalo dipaksa pasti bisa, cuma mau lembur sampe jam berapa? apa mau sampe ga pulang?

sebel sih sama lembur. pulang pagi cuma gara-gara review (yang kecil-kecil atau yang harus berubah di detik terakhir). padahal dari pagi biasanya slow banget ga ada kerjaan. giliran udah malem baru nongol semuanya. DANG! bikin shift malem aja sekalian, sih ya.
capeeeek banget loh pulang malem terus. pengen punya hidup yang normal. gak neko-neko kan, mintanya?

udah gitu karna ga ada 'kecocokan' sama boss, teammate ku yang satu-satunya ini sampe udah beberapa kali minta pindah divisi. nah lho, mau sama siapa aku nanti? masa sendiriaaan T.T
dia even udah mulai apply-apply (lagi) ke tempat lain.
ya emang sih, siapa yang tahan juga kerja kayak gini terus. literally ga punya kehidupan.

makanya aku juga mulai sekarang udah siap-siap nebar CV ke tempat lain. no banking industry anymore tapi HAHA. udah trauma banget kerja di bank, especially di finance head office. makanya apply nya ke FMCG aja, ke beberapa dream company aku. mudah-mudahan dalam waktu dekat bisa keterima, ya. aamiiin

tiap hari rasanya ga ada semangat buat kerja. kalo ga inget di kantor ada banyak temen yang bisa diajak ketawa, udah males berangkat aja kali rasanya. padahal dulu masih seneng banget buat lebajar, buat ngulik ini-itu. tapi sekarang semua semangat itu udah sirna. gara-gara perubahan itu lah. miris.

sempet takut juga kalo ga dapet-dapet tempat baru, padahal aku udah semakin bosen, demot, dan gak produktif di sini. kalo mau terus bertahan, ga jelas mau jadi apa. tapi kalo mau tetep nekat keluar, mau jadi apa juga? aku masih punya banyak banget tanggung jawab............

ya Allah, please tolong banget, mudahkan jalan hamba untuk keluar dari sini. aamiin YRA

kepengen secepatnya cari tempat yang worth it kalopun aku harus lembur gila-gilaan. yang bisa bikin aku jadi semangat lagi. yang bisa bikin aku wujudin cita-cita keluarga aku. bener-bener pengen bisa secepetnya.

ini masih di kantor, dan masih jam kantor. jangan tanya kenapa sempet ngeblog, karena jawabannya ya karna ga ada yang bisa dikerjain. pulang aja apa? udah 5.28 pm juga, bentar lagi jam pulang.
well, I wish!

24

Another birthday. Another epic story behind it.

I'm thankful for this moment. For this age. For the chance to stay alive. For everything i have and i don't have.
Eventhough there are still so many things that i want to accomplish, i am very very grateful of everything in me. For every ups and downs. For my good and bad.

23 to 24. So many things happened. Struggling, laughing, crying, anything.
And in this special moment i actually waiting for something. Waiting for something to happen without knowing whether it is going to happen or not. Waiting for a special thing that i've been waiting for so long. Waitig for somethig that have been my only wish. My only reason to keep me 'alive'. But i got nothing.

The timing weren't right. Again. I don't know why timing never give a good thing to me.
Until i know the truth. Until i lost him. Again.

You don't know what i feel when you didn't tell me about your thesis result. I was so confused and worried about you. Were you alright? I tried to ask our friends about you, just so i know how your condition was. You never told me.

Then that almost-midnight message answered everything.
My simple question, "do you want me to stay.. or leave?"

I was so speechless read your answer. I was speechless to know the truth. Why did we never have a chance to be this close in our campus life?
Kenapa gue ga pernah sadari perasaan lo dulu? And wasted my time instead.

Komunikasi selama 6 bulan terakhir ini bener bener bikin gue jadi ngerasa lebih 'hidup' lagi.  Lebih ceria lagi. Lebih punya harapan lagi. Apalagi dengan gesture kita yg gue juga gatau kenapa bisa langsung nyaman lagi setelah sekian tahun lost contact. You are the only person who can fits me just like that.

Sampe akhirnya gue harus nerima kenyataan kalo kita harus pisah (lagi). Shocked. Because we were so close to being in love.

Gue ngerti gimana kondisi lo. Walopun sebenernya it doesn't really matter to me. Gue juga belum settle gitu. But what can i say? If you want me to leave, i will. Apalagi permasalahan antara lo dan mantan lo itu. Gue ga bisa ngomong banyak. Apalah artinya kita deket kalo lo masih belum bisa lepasin mantan lo. Berarti gue juga ga ada artinya apa apa buat lo. Karrna lo masih lebih milih mantan lo. Gue ngerti emang ga semudah itu move on. Apalgi kalo lo sempet sayang banget sama orang itu. I know how it feels. Been there done that. I also have my past. But i don't live there anymore.

Apapun itu, i really appreciate your decision. Dan mungkin karena lo anggap kalo it'd be better for us if i leave you, fine.
Then i lost you. I lost my friend. I lost the person who can make me laugh every day with his simple lines. I lost a person who teach me how to think simple, free. I lost a partner in talking about sweet nothings. I lost a person i can care about. I lost a family, your family that i don't know why gue sayang banget. I even havent met them all yet.

I lost you for the second time. Mungkin timing ga pernah tepat buat kita. Atau buat gue lebih tepatnya. Ending nya masih belum memihak ke gue.

Tapi apa lo pernah terpikir gimana perasaan gue? Sekarang?
Dan satu hal, why did you do this to me on my BIRTHDAY? you didnt even say 'happy birthday' to me. Why...

Good luck there. Semoga kebaikan dan keselamatan selalu menyertai jalan lo. Maaf kalo selama ini gue belum bisa support lo penuh. I really want to support you to be anything you want to be. Tapi mungkin kesempatan gue cuma sampe segini.
Mungkin ada orang yang lebih membutuhkan lo daripada gue.

Good luck there, Dzulqar. Promise me you'll grow as a wonderful man. Promise me to take a good care, stay healthy. Dan kalo emang jodoh dan ketemu lagi suatu hari nanti, gue pengen gelut lagi sama lo! Gue kangen gelut sama lo dan ngobrol ga jelas sampe ketiduran.

Almost is never enough, Dzulqar.

Life lessons

Today is holiday, due to legislative election day. I should back home, but you know that my 'life' and job won't let me go. I'm kinda sad because of it. My mother is hospitalized now but i can do nothing about it. You know, it's such a psychological torture when you know that your parents or relatives get sick but you can't do anything.

In lonely moment like this, sometimes i just want recall and remember all the things -the goods and bads- my family's been through. I realize that our tough lives give me so much experiences and lessons, and teach me how to stay strong no matter what the conditions are. And i get those valuable lessons from my parents. They show me how to live this life, how to face all the problems eventhough when we have no idea abouy what to do with the life itself. Firstly they never tell me to do this and that when i this and that, they just simply act on it and show some examples. In real life. That makes me even respect them because i witness every thing they do to keep our lives go on.

Well, lets we recall it one by one.

I remember when the first time we moved to Cilacap after leaving Wonosobo because of some reasons. I was 6, and still have one little brother of 2 y.o. we rented a room with just a few things we had. Just a couple of plate, glass, spoons, frying pan, and a stove. And of course some clothes. I remembered when my father said to me, a little girl, that we have to start to live modestly. We didn't have anyting, yet. I just nodded to him without knowing what that really meant.

My father worked at PT Semen Nusantara as a contract staff, did extremely dangerous job, that every time he back home i could see his sweat and wrinkled muscle. After a year passed, we finally could buy a bicycle, not a new but second-hand one. We were so excited that we don't have to walk to go to anywhere. My little self always remember how it feels.

Then my father got an offer to work in one of the public school in Cilacap as the 'school guard' because my grandmother (my father's mom) worked there as a teacher, so she offered that job. so for the next one and half year my family lived in a house inside that school. Did some works like guarding the school, cleaning the building, arranging the plants, and even my mother made some snacks to be sold. I was so excited to live around my own school, i had full access to the library that i could read whatever i want and as much as i want. I was so happy :)

Until one day we had a bad news about the missing water pump. We couldn't do anything about it as we didn't realize that it has gone. Then my father had to look for another job. And we forced to move to other place.

Again, my father only could rent a room. A single bedroon. With me and my brother getting older and bigger. Yet i could see his smile and spirit to face whatever live had prepared for us. My father tried to open his own business (or a little company in form of CV). it went well at the first time, so we could rent a house. A whole house, finally. And started to have old motorcycle, refigerator, sofa, TV, and so on. Our lives got better and better. I was in middle school. Then my second little brother born.

But after two years my father run that company, his business got bankcrupt. We had to sell some of our assets to try to build another business. Then my father tried to be a small retailer. He sold everyhting, like snacks, candies, cigarrette, detergent, anything. He bought from his agent friend and sold that all to the other retailer in sub-urbs by riding his old motorcycle. In rain, in sunny, in windy condition. My father never seemed tired of it. I know that he loves his job. He loves his business eventhough it won't make much money for our family. But luckily we always feel enough.

He still do that business until now, actually. But because economic condition's getting worsen lately, the business don't make any profit. My father tried to do another job. he even worked as "a house maker" , a rough and tiring job that i know that must be so tough for an old man like him. But he did it anyway.
My mother also helped by making some snacks to sell. I couldn't help them much. I just promised to myself that i have to be successful person so i can help them and support them for their entire lives.

Until finally i made to go to collage with full scholarship. I could give a little part of my 'scholarship living cost' to support my family. Luckily it went well for about 4 years.

I remember about how we have our first private house. WE MADE THE HOUSE WITH OUR OWN HANDS. literally. Let me tell you about it.

During the day he run his business, my father saved some money to buy a land. After that he bought some bricks, then iron, river stone, cement, and other things to build a house. We first built a house with only half of the wall is bricked. The other half used bamboo. With no ceramics but only soil. And no electricity. True story.
We stand for months wihtout electricity. Just lighted up 'cerosene lamp' that every time we woke up with black nose because of the smoke we breathe haha.

Then we started to literally build our home with our own hands. We made bricks,cultivated the soil and cement, built the wall, then the rooms, and so on. As an amateur, we did it as good as we could. Eventhough maybe it was still so rough and messy. But we love it. We love what we do together.

Until now that house still being 'work in process'. We need a lot of money to renovate it all at once, so.. maybe later. That's why i really want to have a good job with good salary so i can support my family and build them a decent house and life. In the making.

There are still so many 'unique' things that my family do in our lives. Until now we're still struggling to survive in this live. I have got a job but it seems like i haven't done anything valuable to my family. I still have so many dreams and hope for them. I don't wanna see them struggle for the entire of their life. I wanna see them happy everyday.

My parents have tought me how to face bitter conditions. How to stay strong and creative in cheating this life. Because like my father said "there's nothing impossible. Nothing we cannot do. If we can see it, then we absolutely can do it."
My father showed me that have to fight for everything we dream of. With anything we have, anything we can. Because nothing can stop us. Not that unlucky conditions as well.
Bitter conditions should make us stronger. And more creative.
He doesn't need to tell me all of that lessons. I have known it from long time ago with everything i see.

My mother? She is the strongest woman i've ever known. I know that she can always abandon my father because of his condition. (It nealry happened once, when they had a big fight when i was 8). But still, she chose to be with her husband, to support him, support our fanily with anything she could do. I realize that sometimes she thinks of her opportunity to get a job and abandon the family (not permanently, of course). But she never really do that. Later i found out that she couldn't left my father for so long time because they need each other.

Everytime they had big fight and my mother back to my grandparent's house, i saw my father really sad. And he told me that he really loves her. Things that made them fight was because he didn't want to see my mother work so hard and risk her health. Well after some days finally they could resolve their problem.

The lesson is, everyone has their own thoughts. And sometimes it can start a fight. Different opinion, different point of view. But by the name of love, sure we can solve all of these problems.

I learn a lot of things from my parents. Maybe they aren't the best parents in the world. They don't give me the same things like my friends' parents do to their children. But what i'm saying is that i am so proud about them. I'm so proud to have parents that teach me so many life lessons that i can bring in my own life. I'm proud of our past, out present, and can't wait to see how proud i am with our future.
Eventhough it's still so long way to go to make them all happy and proud of me, but i'm on my way.

I learned to:
- always work hard to achieve anything we want
- be creative. Nothing's impossible, so just do whatever in front of our eyes. Dream big, but live our nearest present first
- live modestly
- never undervalue other people. Everyone has gone through so many things that we don't know. They have their own problems, so don't judge or undervalue them
- keep on going and live our lives eventhough people thinks we won't make it. Remember, miracle exists
- don't look at what others' have. But look at how hard their struggle to achieve that
- be patient. With hard work, we can achieve our dreams, one by one
- never leave your family. Or your significant ones. The people you really love. Always support them, love them, be there for them, and help them to be anything they were meant to be.

Thanks for all the lessons. And i still learn from you all until now.
I hope you're also proud to have me as your daughter, bu, pah.

Stuck. Let me go

It's 2 a.m already, and i'm still at the office.
Gosh, i really have to figure out how to go outa here!
I'm so tired!

Let me go!