So. After a looong time, finally i have the strength to say this. Emm to tell this.
One of my biggest secrets that i keep for myself only since years ago. But now i think is the right time (hopefully), to reveal it.
Some years ago, when i was still in college i worked as an intern in one of the biggest FMCG company in Indonesia. Then i met this guy. And fall in love right afterwards.
He looked smart, at the very first time i saw him. And.. mature. I don't know, it perhaps reflected by the way he talked, responded, all of his gestures.
We worked on the same department, in the same floor, but handled different project. Sometimes we discussed everything related to our job, shared about each other's project and experiences. And for me that was quite delightful, because i love discussing something, or even everything. I got so many insights, inputs, and other positive things from him. I really don't know how was his opinion about me, or how he felt when we discussed. Was there any positive impacts from me or not haha. But one thing for sure, i learnt so mant things from him. Even until now. Seriously.
In short, i also shared many stories, including the story when i failed on one of the test for a training program. At that time i was so depressed, and he could encourage me to stay strong, to always look at the positive side, and remind me that there are still so many ways and opportunities out there.
That thing, made me even love him more. I admit it, i admit that he could steal my heart. (Sorry for the cheesy words hehe). But at that time i knew that i couldn't do anything. I just admired him in silence. I didn't know him much, and neither did he. So i wasn't sure about what he would think if he knew my feeling. Further more, we were in our 'struggling phase' of our lives, so i was pretty sure that he wouldn't take this thing seriously (if he already knew it). So i remained keep silent.
Finally i had to quit from that internship program because i accepted in one of the finance training program. I wasn't sure to apply on that program at first, but again, he was one of the person who encourage me to take that chance. I had to leave sooner than him. And we were separated, but sometimes we had a little chit chat to just exchange our recent life stories.
So i left, leaving my love for the unspecified period of time. I tought i will never see him again.
But then came a point in life that connected us once again. He told me that he was so confused about his future, where should he apply. So i suggested him to apply on one of training program in my company. Finally he applied, and also in many companies.
During his recruitment process, we shared about things related to it. As the one who has ever taken those tests (but failed anyway), i could give him many hints to face that test hehe. At last, he succeed! He passed! I was soooo happy. He passed because i knew that HE CAN. I was so sure about that, eventhough i was also surprised. Then the "dots" connected again.
I saw him around again, because we studied in the same building. It was more than enough for me to see him succeed. But i was still not sure about his feeling to me so i just kept silent. We were also busy with our training process, so i didn't want to break his focus to the program. And mine, too.
But you know what, a sacred feeling called love, once it was there, will always be there. In my journey, i might have fallen for another guy, admired another, and so on. Yet in some points in life, that feeling will arise again. And that's what i feel right now.
Eventough we don't communicate intensely, but i'm always happy when we keep contact. Because with him, we can discuss everyyyyting. I think. And that's the most important thing. I'm falling for him over and over again. But i don't know how's his feeling to me. Perhaps he just considers me as his friends :(
In my 'galau' period, i tried to know whether he already has a gf or not. Because if he has, that means i have to let go of my feeling or just save it for myself. So i asked my friend about it, a friend who is also in the same program with him. My friend told me that he already has a gf, and they've been dating since a month ago. I tried to guess who is that lucky girl, and yeah, i guessed it correctly. I admit that they are so close, and they must have shared so many things and have so many things in common. So yeah, they fall in love each other. My frankly guess.
I realize that i should be happy for them. Moreover, i also know that girl. She's kind. I think they will be such a perfect match for each other. Don't know whether i have to be sad or happy about it.
But i cried and cried for days. I didn't cry because they eventually dating. No. That's genuinely their rights. I can't do nothing about it. What made me cry is the fact that everything's too late. The window is now closed. The princess eventually comes, but the timing was wrong. So i just cried for my fate. Where have i been a month or two months ago? If only i have a little gut to express my real feeling, perhaps things would go in reverse. But that's life. Unpredictable swing.
A friend of mine once said, that if we love someone, just tell him. Despite of whether he already has gf or not, whether he has the same feeling or not, whether he will respond to our feeling or not. The important thing is that he knows. And our feeling will not be just a feeling.
Well, quite makes sense. But i'm afraid my confession will ruin everything.
Look, they have dated for a month, or two, approximately. Somehow this is the time when they are madly in love for each other. And i don't wanna be an antagonist who suddenly come with this great issue, then ruin their peaceful relationship. Maybe it won't be that dramatical, but hey, anything could happen, right?
And i also know that girl. It's impossible for me to break her heart if she knows the truth. She's kind to me, so i won't hurt her by taking her lover. I won't be an antagonist :(
Furthermore, i have been there, in the condition that full of tough choices. Quite same story, actually. When i dated a guy and then came another guy that confessed his feeling to me. I was so confuse and didn't know which one to choose, whether i keep my previous relationship or give that one person a try. This quite depressing because i also admired that another person for so long time ago before i met my current bf. Well, complicated at its finest.
But the point is, that was the most horrible condition when we're forced to decide or choose something.
I'm not saying that he will consider my feeling (if he already know) as serious as that, but i'm quite sure that he will think about it. And also other thing that i'm afraid of, namely if he changes after he knew my feeling, everything will never be the same, never-ending awkwardness, etc. I don't wanna that things happen.
For now, the most important thing is not to disturb his focus on training. I know it's so tough for him, but i do hope that he will survive and succeed.
His future is more important than anything else. Just keep aside my feeling. This (maybe) silly feeling that i keep since 2 years ago.
I have always loved anyone with all my heart and soul. And that's been more than enough for me.
One thing for sure, what is mine will eventually be mine.
I just can pray the best for you, A. :)
