It's their loss, not mine.

Hello again!

It feels like i've forgeted this blog haha. Miss me? 😜

Actually i have so many things to share, the bitter sweet of my not-so-wonderful-and-interesting life haha. Like always, nothing to compare with famous people out there, but yeah, it's just a story of my life, of how i live everyday, and the surprises along the way. 

So many things happened after I wrote the last note here. You know, it's mostly about my career-story (not so called like a pro, though. I still build my career jungle anyway), my 'busy-ness' that take almost all my time (hiks) and some other stories about my attempt to find, you know, The One. 

And since my career and busy-ness don't really matter for now on -err, or maybe i don't wanna talk about it yet-, sooo perhaps i'll share some pieces of my latest story with that guys. Yes, men. 

So after i ended my 'relationship' with the  guy on my last post, you know, the campus-crush-that-we-correlated-again-after-i-graduated, i was lost for couple months. I think that's normal. One doesn't simply forget all the things we've done and shared for almost a year, intensely. Once more, intensely. At that time i was so angry with him, but relieved as well, because finally i could figure out what was happening betwwn me and him (or at least, what his view of this kind of relationship was) so i didn't have to wait for him 'forever'. Eventhough it was so embarrasing that he cut everything off after all this time, and sometime i cursed myself for being too clumsy and melancholic and pathetic and so on that i was so easily fell on his side. 

But then i realized that feeling cannot be forced. Cliche, i know, but that was the only things popped in my mind. Then i could appreciate his decision and the fact that he kind of 'dumped' me. 

Until oneday i found that he dated a girl in campus, while before that he said that he just wanted to focus on his thesis defense and career and that bulls*its. Well, it was very shocking news for me, as i believed all he said beforehand. What a jerk! 

Then i realized, that perhaps he said that to me just to calm me down, you know, some sort of make up stories men do to end any relationship. And yeah, i was his victim. 

Nothing i could do. Furthermore i've moved on and i don't care about him, anymore. It's his choice to rather choose that girl but me. At certain point it made me sad, that i wasn't the one he chose. That i ain't better that that girl. Like i... Have nothing to compare or to make him stay with me. I then started to question about my ownself. I tried to understand his condition but at the end i blamed myself for all that happened. What's wrong with me, God? 

When i was on my move on process, i met with my math-crush. The man i liked when i was in math. I liked him because he's so different with other guy, like he's very quiet and calm and 'straight'. And he's also so damn cute and handsome, like, very handsome that almost all woman fall for him. (Well, it's exaggerating haha)

Short story, after years separated with no communication at all, we finally meet again (with some other friends, ofcourse).  And funny story, eventhough we merely know each other and never chat with him at all, we had a very good time that night. We shared our stories, and he was so talkative, surprisingly, asked me about anything. It was so surprising. And he also rode me back to my office after that. So happy til i could feel the joy in my fingers, literally! 

And then we began to communicate again after years, that made me don't want to lose him again. One day i told him that i liked him since in university, and i wanted to know whether he has the same intention. I said if he has the same intention, why wouldn't we start to be friend again, to know each other better. Who knows it will turn out that we're match for each other, right? 

Pardon my manner, but i thought it was the best step i could take, because i don't wanna wait for something 'unclear' for along time. So finally i had this gut to tell him about this huge thing. 

He said that he also felt the same way, like the feeling he didn't what it was, that he agreed to start all over again. Relieved. 

We began to chat, share, check one another's conditions, and so on. But that only lasted for days. It seemed like he never give same effort as me in this process of 'knowing each other phase'. He rarely text me first, or text me back immediately. Never. 

I still thought that.. It's his style, which makes him looks so cool as a man (pffft). Then i finally realized that he's not that into me. So i cut it out, again. 

What's the point of trying to know someone, caring, and understanding, while he never appreciates it? It's wasting time, energy, and useless. He seems to just bluffing when said he has the same intention bla bla bla. And you know what? Maybe he's now dating with other girl as he posted in his Path account. 

Honestly, i was so sand and angry knowing this, but who the hell am i? I have no right to be mad at him, i know. And i really try hard to not mad at him, to understand him, that he's just not that into me. Or never, worse case. 

I ask again, what's wring with me, God? That no one chose me and considered me as their 'valuable person' in their lives? 

I know that i can't just blame anything to myself or others. I just have to understand more. And to accept and try to live with it. 

They never know how much i love them at that time. How much i care about them that sometimes i forget to care about my own self. They never know that i always try to give my 'love' just for them, and never let anyone else in into my heart because i already 'have' them. They never know that i would follow them anywhere they are. They never know that i always pray for their success everyday. They never know. 

And i also nevwr know why they did that thing to me. Or perhaps i don't really wanna know, or it's not necessarily to know. 

One thing i know, it's their loss. Not mine. 

Because what's a man without integrity anyway? What kind of man who never keep their promises? I don't need that man. It's not my loss. 

Critical decisions

Wake up with this tought. I've made so many decisions in my life, since i was a little girl, perhaps. And i barely realize that some of those decisions are the critical ones, decisions that changed my life path. And it's very clear that if i didn't take that decisions/actions, my life won't be the same. I even won't be here. 

Here are some critical decisions that i decided in critical conditions as well (at that time), that really changed my life: 

1. My decision to finally entered the best high school in Cilacap (SMA N 1 Cilacap) and also in Immersion class (kind of international class which English spoken)

I used to have a standard dream. I mean, when i'm in my middle school age, i just want to enter an 'average' high school, because i realize that my parents don't have much money to pay my school fee. So i tought that perhaps i will just enter the vocational school (SMK) where i will able to find jobs and work right after i graduate. That was my one simple wish: i want to work as soon as possible so i can support my parents. 

But one day, there was a little voice in my head that told me to try to enter the other school, the best and most prestigious in the city. Finally i chose to take that chance, and voila! I was accepted with some scholarship, and it changed my life. 

2. My (spontaneous) decision to take the entrance test to UI

This was my second critical decision. While waiting my final exams, my friends took so many private course for preparing their university entrance test. Some wanted to enter UI, UGM, UNDIP, ITB, etc. Me? I didn't haha. Well, it doesn't mean that i didn't want to pursue my higher education, but i still couldn't decide where i will pursue it. I was in a very bad condition after my scholarship proposal to Pharmacy UGM was rejected. In my 'low' period, i lost my spirit. 

But some of friends aksed me to try UI entrance test, which i finally did in the last  registration day. Shortly, i was accepted there while my other friends weren't. Again, i was so lucky, eh? 

3. My decision to apply for Lippo Bank Scholarship

Due to my family's economic challenges, i had to find scholarship to fund my tuition fees. So when some persons from Lippo Bank held roadshow to my school and explained about this scholarship, i just wanted to try. Eventough at that time i didn't feel confident because this scholarship was given to some students all over Indonesia, which means the conpetition will be so tough. And i tought that i was just a student from a school in small city. Will i make it? 

Further more, i was the only student that applied for that scholarship (in my school, and even in my city). So i was so nerveous and just rely on Allah SWT for whatever the result is. Finally, i made it. I got this scholarship right after i was accepted to UI. What major did i take? Mathematics. Wow! 

4. My decision to change my major of study from Math to Management

Well, this was the most tough one. 

When i chose my major of study in UI, i chose the major that Lippo Bank Scholarship prefer. Some of them are Math, Statistics, Management, Economics, Law, Accounting, and Psychology. So because i was from natureal science, so i chose Math. I got in, i got the scholarship, so i was supposed to just study hard, right? 

Then i didn't know why my campus life didn't run smoothly like i want. I felt like i really hate what i was doinf there. I didn't like math, i was just not into it. (Well, i've ever wrote about it in my previous post, entitled "eco-no-math" so i won't go too detail). 

So i made this big decision in my life. I can't imagine what i will be if i didn't make this decision. Perhaps i will be dropped-out because of my GPA, or they will cut my scholarship because i can't fulfill the minimum GPA, or even i will be stressed out because of it. But yeah, i'm standing on different path now. 

I was successfully changed my major and studied Management. 

5. My decision to take the opportunity to apply for SFDP (Strategy and Finance Development Program)

Before graduating, i already had a job. Well, not literally a job, actually, because i worked as an intern in Unilever through one of their program, ULIP (Unilever Leadership Internship Program). I worked in HR Department, because i took HR Management as my concentration of study. Right after graduating, CIMB Niaga  (formerly Lippo Bank) offered me to take a test for TCB (The Complete Banker) Program, their prestigious MT program. I took some of the tests, interviews, business presentation, but eventually i failed after the last stage, interview with Director. Then they offered me with another development program, SFDP. Firstly i refused that, because i wasn't from Finance. I don't know much about finance. I don't think will make it there. But they keep confincing me and reminding me that this is a good opportunity bla bla bla. 

So finally i took that chance. Again, spontaneously decided it. Until i got accepted, i learned Finance from zero, and luckily i be The Best Participant. It was like a whoa! 

Since then, i change (again) my life path, to finally live in this Finance world, not HR world as i expected before. 

If i look at those decisions i made in the past, it's clear that almost all of them made in a very spontaneous way. I don't know why, but i'm kind of person that live something spontaneous haha. But one thing for sure is, those decisions really changed my life.

I don't know what will happen if i entered those vocational school. Maybe i will end up like my other old friends who only stay in Cilacap with 'mean' jobs and have 'mean' life. Sorry to say, but that's reality. Thank you, past me!

What will happen if i didn't take the UI entrance test? Perhaps i will end up pursuing my higher degree in nearer campus, perhaps like Unsoed, because the other favorite campuses already closed the registration. But i was in UI instead, learned in this beautiful campus, with all of its pluses and minuses, formed me to become what i am today. 

Thank you, past me!

Who will cover my tuituion fees if i didn't dare to apply for that scholarship? Perhaps i still can continue my study, but what will happen to my parents if i keep burdening them with my expensive fees? What about my two little brothers that also need money for their schools? 

The scholarship really changed my life. My family's life. Because it not only help me but also help my family. I still can save some portion of my scholarship to support my family, which means i already fulfill my dream to pursue my higher education without bothering my family, while i'm also able to support them financially. 

Thank you, past me! 

I don't know how my life will be if i stay in Math. Maybe will be a DO student, jobless, or anything. These was my darkest period on my life where i didn't even know what to do anymore if i don't change that. 

Thank you, past me! 

I will have different path now if i didn't take the chance to join SFDP. Perhaps i still in Unilever now, for i could continue my project there until finally they hire me through UFLP (well, i hope so). 

But now i am about to build my career in Finance world. A whole new world for me, but i'm sure it will bring me so many experiences with anything in it. The most important things is that i have a job now, a permanent job with a good position in a  big multinational bank, with an important job as well. 

Again, thank you, past me!

Thank you for all this spontanity, thank you for always keeping your faith, thank you for your always taking chances. 

You still have to make so many critical decisions ahead. Don't forget to always use your logic ya, and your faith. Taking chances. You'll never know 'til you've tried, in anything. Good things still come your way. 

Thank you, past and present me! 

Secondhand Serenade Live in Concert

Hore akhirnya aku sempet nonton konser Secondhand Serenade jugaaaaaa, yay! Simply happy! 

Sebenernya dia udah sering banget sih dateng ke Indonesia, cuma aku baru sempet liat sekarang. Mumpung deket juga dari kostan, hehe. Jadi pas pertama tau kalo dia mau konser langsung deh niat buat nonton. Sempet ragu juga takut disuruh lembur hari Sabtu kemaren (uuuu) tapi ternyata disuruh lemburnya baru hari Minggu (wuuuu). Tapi yaudahlah yang penting bisa nonton kan. 

Terus deh nyari-nyari temen buat nonton bareng hahahaha. Tadinya kita udah ada bertiga nih yang pengen nonton. Tapi pada akhirnya mereka gak bisa. Yang satu diajakin keluarganya ke Bali, yang satu mendadak harus check up ke dokter. Alhasil aku nonton sendiri aja. Biarin sendirian juga, yang penting happy. Kalo ga ada temen trus masa aku ga jadi? Yang ada nanti menyesal soalnya itu konsernya deket bangeeeeet.

Intinya sih based on prinsip "happiness is a choice. You gotta create your own happiness". Ya walaupun itu artinya harus ke mana-mana dan ngapa-ngapain sendiri. It's okaaaay

Waktu mau nukerin tiket, buset di antrisan itu anak-anak sekolah semua. Masih kecil-kecil gitu yang nonton aaaaa. Apa itu artinya aku yang masih childish kayak mereka, ya? Ahahahaha. Biarin. Yang penting aku bisa nonton penyanyi kesukaan aku sejak dari masa-masa kuliah dulu. Sekalian nostalgia lah, taking chances mumpung lagi deket sini. 

Harusnya gate open jam 5 sore. Tapi termyata sore itu ujan gede. Untung bawa payung. Kasian sih yang lain sampe rela ujan-ujanan basah banget kayak gitu. Loyal fans, ya. Trus gara-gara ujan jadi ngaret lah itu semua acaranya. Yang tadinya di jadwal jam 7 mulai, ini baru mulai sekitar jam 8an. Itupun baru buat band pembukanya, Rama Band. Nah kan semua pengisi acaranya lagunya typical galau galau gitu haha. 

Secondhand nya sendiri, aka si John yang kece itu baru on stage sekitar jam 9an malem. Gila cewek-cewek langsung pada berisik banget teriak-teriak. Dan berhubung aku dapet tempat di yang paling depan dan tepar di tengah, di mana itu adalah pusat keramaian, jadi aja ini kuping rasanya kayak mau pecah. Remaja tuh kalo nonton konser bisa sampe segitunya ya haha. 

Konsep konsernya kali ini akustik, John main musik sendiri pake gitar sama piano. Semakin nyesss kan, dengan lagu-lagu galau yang di-akustik-in, gerimis gerimis pula. Hampir semua lagu yang ngehits dimainin, dan ada beberapa lagu baru, yang baru mau rilis juga dinyanyiin di sini. Oh iya di situ John juga ada kolaborasi sama penyanyi cewek, Veronica Bal. Tipe-tipenya kayak Taylor Swift, yang nyanyi lagu ciptaan sendiri pake gitar. She's quite good lah. 

Yang lucu adalah, aku malah akhirnya jadi ngerasa lega gitu pas ikut teriak-teriak nyanyi bareng haha. Berhubung aku dateng sendiri, gak ada yang aku kenal dan kenal aku, jadinya bebas banget kaaaan. Cuek aja mau ngapa-ngapain. Sambil ngeliatin tingkah para remaja putri yang pada heboh sendiri hehe. 

Akhirnya sekitar jam 10 lebih selesai deh konsernya. Puass. Seneng. Walaupun pegel juga lebih dari 5 jam berdiri terus. Finally, misi buat nonton secondhand completed! Foto dan rekaman udah siap buat diliat lain waktu, hehe

Big thanks to myself, for having the guts to do anything that makes me happy :)

Secondhand Serenade Live in Concert

Hore akhirnya aku sempet nonton konser Secondhand Serenade jugaaaaaa, yay! Simply happy! 

Sebenernya dia udah sering banget sih dateng ke Indonesia, cuma aku baru sempet liat sekarang. Mumpung deket juga dari kostan, hehe. Jadi pas pertama tau kalo dia mau konser langsung deh niat buat nonton. Sempet ragu juga takut disuruh lembur hari Sabtu kemaren (uuuu) tapi ternyata disuruh lemburnya baru hari Minggu (wuuuu). Tapi yaudahlah yang penting bisa nonton kan. 

Terus deh nyari-nyari temen buat nonton bareng hahahaha. Tadinya kita udah ada bertiga nih yang pengen nonton. Tapi pada akhirnya mereka gak bisa. Yang satu diajakin keluarganya ke Bali, yang satu mendadak harus check up ke dokter. Alhasil aku nonton sendiri aja. Biarin sendirian juga, yang penting happy. Kalo ga ada temen trus masa aku ga jadi? Yang ada nanti menyesal soalnya itu konsernya deket bangeeeeet.

Intinya sih based on prinsip "happiness is a choice. You gotta create your own happiness". Ya walaupun itu artinya harus ke mana-mana dan ngapa-ngapain sendiri. It's okaaaay

Waktu mau nukerin tiket, buset di antrisan itu anak-anak sekolah semua. Masih kecil-kecil gitu yang nonton aaaaa. Apa itu artinya aku yang masih childish kayak mereka, ya? Ahahahaha. Biarin. Yang penting aku bisa nonton penyanyi kesukaan aku sejak dari masa-masa kuliah dulu. Sekalian nostalgia lah, taking chances mumpung lagi deket sini. 

Harusnya gate open jam 5 sore. Tapi termyata sore itu ujan gede. Untung bawa payung. Kasian sih yang lain sampe rela ujan-ujanan basah banget kayak gitu. Loyal fans, ya. Trus gara-gara ujan jadi ngaret lah itu semua acaranya. Yang tadinya di jadwal jam 7 mulai, ini baru mulai sekitar jam 8an. Itupun baru buat band pembukanya, Rama Band. Nah kan semua pengisi acaranya lagunya typical galau galau gitu haha. 

Secondhand nya sendiri, aka si John yang kece itu baru on stage sekitar jam 9an malem. Gila cewek-cewek langsung pada berisik banget teriak-teriak. Dan berhubung aku dapet tempat di yang paling depan dan tepar di tengah, di mana itu adalah pusat keramaian, jadi aja ini kuping rasanya kayak mau pecah. Remaja tuh kalo nonton konser bisa sampe segitunya ya haha. 

Konsep konsernya kali ini akustik, John main musik sendiri pake gitar sama piano. Semakin nyesss kan, dengan lagu-lagu galau yang di-akustik-in, gerimis gerimis pula. Hampir semua lagu yang ngehits dimainin, dan ada beberapa lagu baru, yang baru mau rilis juga dinyanyiin di sini. Oh iya di situ John juga ada kolaborasi sama penyanyi cewek, Veronica Bal. Tipe-tipenya kayak Taylor Swift, yang nyanyi lagu ciptaan sendiri pake gitar. She's quite good lah. 

Yang lucu adalah, aku malah akhirnya jadi ngerasa lega gitu pas ikut teriak-teriak nyanyi bareng haha. Berhubung aku dateng sendiri, gak ada yang aku kenal dan kenal aku, jadinya bebas banget kaaaan. Cuek aja mau ngapa-ngapain. Sambil ngeliatin tingkah para remaja putri yang pada heboh sendiri hehe. 

Akhirnya sekitar jam 10 lebih selesai deh konsernya. Puass. Seneng. Walaupun pegel juga lebih dari 5 jam berdiri terus. Finally, misi buat nonton secondhand completed! Foto dan rekaman udah siap buat diliat lain waktu, hehe

Big thanks to myself, for having the guts to do anything that makes me happy :)

Good news!

Hello there, 

I have a good news for you. Yeay, finally! 

Sooo yesterday my big boss held a coordination meeting with all SFDPans, talked about our visions for the next career path. He asked us how our feelings are with current jobs, and whether we want to move and learn to other parts whithin Finance. When he asked, none of us dare to speak. Then, perhaps because i'm the type of person who always want to speak my mind up (and too straight forward, sometimes haha), i decided to raise my hand. I told them that i already tired with the work rhytm in my current job. I said, before it's too late and my health (and my life) is getting worsen, i want to move to Management Account department and learn something new there. 

Well, my big bosses seemed understand my feeling. They were not shocked at all. Their faces when i told them so were just.. Kind of "okay, we already know". So finally my big boss said that okay, we will consider your choice. And then my other friends began to speak. 

Actually, why was i choose to move to management account? Well, because firstly i know that these place is more 'calm' than my current place. Still in the same Group, but different Division. I hope i will have more normal and healthy life there. Besides, management account division is a place where we 'cultivate' the business result. This is the place that know how the business is going, the place that first know the bank's profitability, and to make some critical adjustment when needed. So this place is kind of the 'kitchen' of the bank, where all recipes of bank's success are all kept. 

So i think (and i hope) i can learn much more there. 

Honestly i am so sad to leave my current job, because it has so high exposure to management, directly. It also has so many important things to learn, but i feel i can't stand any longer there. Like you see, i have these value changes that makes me think twice or even more, to decide if i still want to stay on that place. 

Well, i hope this is the best decision. For my career, for my life. Hopefully this is the answer of all my prayers before, for me to have a more 'normal' working hours so i still have much time for myself, my family, and my partner (maybe oneday). And i still have more time to learn anything else. I can continue my online courses, i can continue learn TOEFL and GMAT again, and search for some scholarships and campus informations. I really hope my life will get better, soon. 

Thanks for all, dear Allah.. 

Alone-thingy

All by myself....

Don't wanna be all by myself.... 

Why i have to be 'all by myself?'

Or why not? 

Read it somewhere, that if you can't be happy with your own self, then you'll never be happy to be with someone else. It means that we have to be comfortable with ourselves first, before we have some relationship with other people. Well, couldn't agree more. 

I like being alone. I like drinking coffee alone, reading alone. I like riding bus alone, and walking home alone. 

It gives me time to think, and set my mind free. 

I like to eat alone, and listening to music alone. 

But when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with his or her friend, i realize that eventhough i like being alone, i don't fancy being lonely. 

Perhaps that's why we always need other people to be with us. To complete us. 

Me? No need to ask that such question to me, because the answer is absolutely YES! haha. I really do. 

I even wonder why is it so hard for me to find that 'click' partner? Well, if i put aside of my move on process, actually i always try to find a new one. But i don't know, it seems hard. Maybe because move on itself, is the hardest thing to do. For me, especially. 

The overall things that happened in the past really damages me. Until now i even unable to trust people again. It's getting harder to trust or to let other people into my life. Even you can say that i keep away from that relationship thingy, although i realize that i need that, actually. 

I don't put aside my need in being involved with other people, of course, but for now it's kinda hard to begin again. Sometimes i still feel that i can't do that (looking for another opportunities out there) because i still have this 'connection' with these person (in my past). I don't know why. I even some times decline my friends' invitation to just hanging out with them, because i want to keep my heart and my mind just for him. If it happens when i still have this 'relationship', that's okay, normal. But when everything's already ended, shouldn't i have to start to think about my self? It's ok for me to go out with anyone i want, right? But i can't do that. My own self refuses to do that. But why?? 

I know that he already moved on, perhaps he already finds his new special one. Why is it so hard to me to restart again? 

I don't wanna live in my past, i know, but i don't know how to get rid of it. What am i suppossed to do to change all this? 

I may go or hang out with every guy i want, but i realize that i can't do that just for the sake of my 'move on attempts' to be successful. Furthermore i don't wanna trapped in the same hole. 

If oneday i finally find a guy that i like, or that likes me, i can go out with him, right? 

I don't need to feel guilty about that, do i?

It doesn't have to upset me.

The past is the past. What is lost is lost. 

Please, brain, use your logic! 

Alone-thingy

All by myself....

Don't wanna be all by myself.... 

Why i have to be 'all by myself?'

Or why not? 

Read it somewhere, that if you can't be happy with your own self, then you'll never be happy to be with someone else. It means that we have to be comfortable with ourselves first, before we have some relationship with other people. Well, couldn't agree more. 

I like being alone. I like drinking coffee alone, reading alone. I like riding bus alone, and walking home alone. 

It gives me time to think, and set my mind free. 

I like to eat alone, and listening to music alone. 

But when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with his or her friend, i realize that eventhough i like being alone, i don't fancy being lonely. 

Perhaps that's why we always need other people to be with us. To complete us. 

Me? No need to ask that such question to me, because the answer is absolutely YES! haha. I really do. 

I even wonder why is it so hard for me to find that 'click' partner? Well, if i put aside of my move on process, actually i always try to find a new one. But i don't know, it seems hard. Maybe because move on itself, is the hardest thing to do. For me, especially. 

The overall things that happened in the past really damages me. Until now i even unable to trust people again. It's getting harder to trust or to let other people into my life. Even you can say that i keep away from that relationship thingy, although i realize that i need that, actually. 

I don't put aside my need in being involved with other people, of course, but for now it's kinda hard to begin again. Sometimes i still feel that i can't do that (looking for another opportunities out there) because i still have this 'connection' with these person (in my past). I don't know why. I even some times decline my friends' invitation to just hanging out with them, because i want to keep my heart and my mind just for him. If it happens when i still have this 'relationship', that's okay, normal. But when everything's already ended, shouldn't i have to start to think about my self? It's ok for me to go out with anyone i want, right? But i can't do that. My own self refuses to do that. But why?? 

I know that he already moved on, perhaps he already finds his new special one. Why is it so hard to me to restart again? 

I don't wanna live in my past, i know, but i don't know how to get rid of it. What am i suppossed to do to change all this? 

I may go or hang out with every guy i want, but i realize that i can't do that just for the sake of my 'move on attempts' to be successful. Furthermore i don't wanna trapped in the same hole. 

If oneday i finally find a guy that i like, or that likes me, i can go out with him, right? 

I don't need to feel guilty about that, do i?

It doesn't have to upset me.

The past is the past. What is lost is lost. 

Please, brain, use your logic! 

Before Midnight

So, Before Midnight is the last sequel of Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. Still telling about Jesse and Celine, but now the setting is around 2013, 18 years after they first met. 

Back to Before Sunset first. This movie ends in Celine's apartment, where she plays her guitar and sings a song to Jesse, a waltz song that all written about him. Then i was curious about what will happen next to them. Are they finally live together or what? 

Quite surprising, this last sequel begins with a story that they finally live together. They already have cute twin daughters. These happy little family is spending their summer holiday in Jesse's friend house. I ever tell you that Jesse has a son from his first marriage, right? So his son (i forget the name, as always) also spends his holiday there, but he has to left earlier and back to Chicago, to his mother, who is Jesse's first wife. Then the conflict begins. 

So generally, Before Midnight tells about conflict in their marriage. Jesse can't always meet his son because his son lives with his ex-wife in Chicago. So in that summer time, when they sent that little boy to the airport, Jesse begins to think that he never able to be a good father for his son. Because they live separately. So he comes up with the idea to move to Chicago (with all his family, of course) so he can look after his son. 

Moving to Chicage seems like a really big issue for Celine, for she has to give up her career and everything she already build in Paris. It's so hard for her, so she keep rejecting those idea. Celine also persuades Jesse that he doesn't need to always be near his son. Furthermore he lives with his loving and caring mother, etc etc. 

All the time in this movie contains their conversations and negotiations about whether they should move to Chicago or not. Even they have a quite big fight about it. But at last they can solve this problem in almost midnight. Therefore maybe this movie entitled Before Midnight, hehe

In my opinion, this sequel is not as good as the previous one, Before Sunset. The conflict that Before Midnight carries is not that shopisticated and complicated than Before Sunset haha. I don't know, eventhough i know that this kind of problem perhaps mostlikely happen to every second marriage. You know, about step son, step mother, ex wife, and so on. And i don't know why i don't really like that issue, so... Yeah, i just less like it. 

Compared to Before Sunset that has much stronger story, conflict, and also some great quotes that i quoted in previous post. Well, that was my personal judgement. But overall, this is a quite great sequel to watch, especially to learn some...emm..things that might also happen in our lives. Quite simple story line, actually, yet it touchy. 

Well, this teaches us that no matter how far you're separated with someone, no matter how long you never meet that person, if that person is meant to be with you, you two will meet again. How could you meet? It's life secret. And you know what? Life works randomly. 

And eventhough when you two meet, everything has changed, if you really want to make it work, you will go through everything to make it really work. You will do anything, at any costs. To be with the only person you love. 

But i'm wondering, is this only happen in a movie? 

Please

Akhir-akhir ini lagi sering banget ngeluh sama kerjaan. Not that i'm ungrateful, no, but really, this job is killing me. I'm dying, literally. 

Awalnya aku mikir kalo yaa itulah risiko pekerjaan. Apalagi di finance, especially di divisi yang jam kerja nya gak jelas gini (i even work almost 16 hours a day. Sumpah ya, udah kayak kerja dua hari aja kan). Kalo cuma sekali-kali sih ga masalah, tapi kalo udah hampir sepanjang minggu, berarti ada yang salah kan? 

I may blame the job. I blame my supervisors. I blame anything. I even blame myself for stupidly want to moved to this part if company. Huh. 

What makes me really angry (and sad) is that i don't have time anymore. For myself. For my family, my parents. My friends. Firstly my job steals my peaceful nights, then my free days. My weekends. My holidays. Then at last it will steal my whole life. Or it does, already, perhaps. Crazy, right?

I can't imagine what it would be to have this tough job when i already build my own family. I really don't wanna see that. I don't want to see my family -my husband, children, parents- lack of my time. Well, this is still quite far to think, but i really think about that. I don't wanna sacrifice my time with my significant ones just for the sake of career. Eat that career! 

I realize that i have to move from this place as soon as possible. It's pointless to just blame anything, hate myself, but doing nothing to change it. I really really wanna change it, but unluckily for me, i still have a job contract in here. I suppose to be 'free' on July 2015, which still so long. Gosh, what should i do then?

People says i have to be more patient about that because it's my job, my responsibility. I'm patient enough, i think. But when it is already beyond my limit, what can i say? 

Do they need to see me dying and finally die, so they realize that they need to stop this all? Kill me now, then! 

I'm sorry if i eventually seem to be so ungrateful. I'm sorry, but i just can't stand this 'torture' any longer.

Please please please, help me.. 

Befores

There is a sequel movie, consists of three, but have one single-continous story. They are Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight. 

I don't remember the Director's name (bad at remembering names, haha) but i know the lead actor. It was Ethan Hawke. 

So this is the story. 

Begin with Before Sunrise. There is two young people, a man and a woman. The man, Jesse, is an American man who is in the middle of his journey to somewhere (sorry, can't remember it). Whereas the woman, Celine, is a French girl on her way to Paris. They meet on the train. 

Shortly, they bump to each other -as a stranger for each other- and have these long but kind of deep conversation. They talk about their lives, the books they read at that time, and also about their vision and ideas and how they see life. 

At first i feel like this movies is kinda boring because they just talk to each other while continuing their trip. The set is just in the train, you know, that is so boring for me haha. 

Well, back to the story. Jesse and Celine feel that they have special connection when they talk to each other, so they accidentally make a decision to stop at Vienna and walk around, together, instead of heading to their own directions. 

So at that evening they walk around Vienna, Italy, sightseeing. And still continuing their heavy talk. About their idealism. And so on. (I don't really listen what they say)

They keep talking on the street, in restaurant, on the edge of a river, on the bridge, in front of people's house, etc. Until finally they stop at a park, in almost midnight, with a stolen wine and glasses with them. They then get drunk and, you know, make love. (Fortunately they don't reveal the make love scene. Fiuh)

And then they wake up the next day, back to the train station. Celine has to back to Paris to catch her summer school there. Jesse just... I don't know, continuing his journey to anywhere he likes. So they separate, without exchange their phone numbers, emails, addresses, or whatever. But they make a promise to back to that same place, 6 months later, which if i'm not mistaken is in around December 1995. 

And then Celine left to Paris. Jesse go to the places they visit the previous day. Just to remember that day. And Celine. And that is their story, on before sunrise, before Celine leaves Jesse. 

The second sequel, Before Sunset.

This story happens 9 years later. Jesse and Celine never meet again since 1995. One day Jesse happen to be one of the young published author. He has this promotional agenda in one of the book store in Paris. While he explaining about his novel, he sees Celine in one of the crowed. So after his session finish, he bumps to Celine, eventhough he just has very short time to catch his flight back to New York. 

The two meet again, and....talk again. Gosh! Let me tell you, this sequel consist of the stories of Celine and Jesse only ob that day. The same day. Not even a day, perhaps only hours. Two or three hours. 

They exchange the stories about their recent lives. Seems awkward at first time, but things gets easier at last. Then Celine asks Jesse if he come to Vienna that December, 9 years ago. She also tell Jesse that she couldn't make it because her grandma is dead. So she has to go to her gandma's funeral. She also say that she already prepare everything to go and see Jesse, but Life has another plan. 

At first Jesse say that he also couldn't make it, which make Celine a little bit relieve. But then it turns out that Jesse was there, 6 months after they first met, waiting for Celine in the same place. But she never comes. They surely dissapointed why they never exchange phone numbers before. 

Then they walk around the city, looking for a cafe, then ride this tourist boat. And still talking. Celine knows that Jesse is married now, so she ask how is the feeling to be married. Jesse tell her the story behind his marriage, that he got married with this woman that he used to date,9 on and off, and when she accidentally pregnant, then they married. He also says that the only thing that makes him happy in his marriage life is seeing his little boy. He feels sorry for his wife, because eventhough she is a good mother, a good wife, he can never be happy with her. 

Celine says that she also has a boyfriend already, a happy life. Great couple. But what strange is that she always feels much comfortable when they are far from each other. 

That's a little piece of stories that i can remember, hehe. 

Jesse has to catch the flight, so he take Celine to her apartment. On their way, suddenly they have this little fight, about why can't they meet that December, about why are they have to be like this, they finally meet again but with a very different condition. About how they love each other, how they feel comfortable, how they have these connection from the first time they met, but they can't be together. 

Both of them seem to be sceptical about love, about life, about happiness. Because it turns out that both Jesse and Celine already give all their hopes on that day, on December 9 years ago. 

The story ends in Celine apartment, where Jesse comes here to see Celine plays her guitar and sings for him. Celine then plays her song, on a waltz, a song about Jesse. 

And oh i missed one thing. The novel that Jesse write for about 3 or 4 years is about Celine. About their trip in Vienna, about an American man who meets a French girl and have some sweet moments until finally they say goodby before sunrise the other day. 

I may not portrait it perfectly, but i think this movie is great. I mean, it can happen to anyone. And once more, timing is a b*tch! Haha. So many people have special connection, or chemistry, but they can never be with each other because of the bad timing, or something like that. 

What i love most about this Before Sunset is that, this movie tells us about how Jesse finally meet Celine again. How they have to settle some issues in just 2 or 3 hours. How they finally realize that they have a separate life path. And how they deal with it. 

Perhaps the third sequel, Before Midnight, will tell us the more about them. I will watch it soon, but i can't wait to see their final fate. 

There are also some great quotes in this movie. I like it because it seems so real and same with me haha. So check them out! 

"I feel like I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost."

"I see in people in every little details, so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss and always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone is made of such beautiful, specific details. I remembered that, and missed it. Really crazy, right?"

"Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts too much." 

"The past is the past. It was meant to be that way."

- Celine - 

Scared

Today i feel scared. I'm scared that i can't live this life well. I'm scared i can't give my best to the people i love. I'm even scared to think about my future. Will i have a bright one? Like what i'm always dreaming of? Or is it gonna be another hell? Well, nobody really knows.

I'm just trying to be a better person day by day. Eventhough i'm still very far for being perfect, i know. I may not have a great life (yet). Probably i still have to struggle for my success. I may don't have everything that i really want, but hey, you can't always get what you want, no?

One of the things that makes me scared is the reality that -maybe- this is the time where i have to find my significant one. To find a partner. Well, it sounds cheesy but that's reality. I don't want to overthink it, really, but what you will do when almost all of your friends got enganged or even got married, and you're just like.. Single?

I'm not saying that being a single is such a curse, no. But there will come a day when you feel that you really need that partner, a person that will complete your life. Until now i don't know what the best criteria is, or what kind of person that we should have in our lives. I don't know. 

One thing i know is that person, the one who is really meant for me, will come oneday. He's on his way, and he will greet me, he will stand and sit beside me, soon. I always believe that. I always believe that everyone has their own soulmate. I believe that everything created in pairs, so why worry? Yes, why should i be worry? 

What i am worrying is that, will i able to be a good partner? To be a good wife? A good mother? Will every single thing in my imagination about my future life become reality? I do hope so.

Eventhough i'm not typical of a very good woman. For those who don't know me mighy be misinterpret me. Or if you look into my social media accounts, you will see that i'm not kind of woman that calm, shy, or any other 'angel' traits. I'm just me. I like any kinds of music, from classic to rock. I like watching movies. I like doing karaoke and sing along. I like watching sports. I like playing music although i'm not so well on it. I like hanging out with a bunch of friends. I like reading so many kinds of books. I like watching drama and TV series and got so excited and even crazy about it (HIMYM, especially). And so on.

Perhaps people thinks that i am so out of control. I am sooo what is it? Hedon? I don't know. I just like doing anything i like. Yet people will always judge, no matter what. So it's up to them if they judge me like that, i don't care. 

And i also feel some jealousy here. I don't know, there are some people that really want to compete me. I'm not really into a competition, so please, if you have such jealousy, just take it. Take all that i have. I just want to live normally and peacefully. 

Now i realize that there is no safest place on earth. On this life. Everything's got crazier, and scarier. Then i realize that one thing to face it is by having a good company. Having a good life partner. The one who you need and need you. The one who you love and love you as much as you do. Again, back to that vicious cycle of what we call love. 

Now i just lay my hope in Allah SWT. For only Allah that knows what is, and who is the best for me. I don't wanna force something to happen, anymore. I'm done with it. I'm done with all my hopes and fantasies about people i love. I'm done with that timing thingy. 

I may have some sad stories behind. I may have some bad breakups. But that's my past. I don't want to live there anymore. 

I may broken now, still broken, sad, but i will get over it. 

And i believe that i will fall in love again, oneday. And i want it to be my last journey to find my life partner. Amin. 

Gone, gone, gone

You know what? I miss you. A lot.
I miss our small talks. Every lines that made us laugh.
Every nameless moment. Every story we shared each other. Every little fight.

I miss you.

I don't know what happen to you right now. I do hope you live well, with all your choices.
So many times i want to check how your condition is, but i think you don't need that.
Because probably you will be happier with somebody else. With your wonderful ex. Or you are now, maybe?

Read it somewhere:
"There's no point in holding onto someone that has already let you go."

Yes? No?

But I love you long after you're gone.
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

P.S. let me cry once more tonight. And you don't need to know what you've done to me.
Thankyouverymuch.

not easy

"I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
digging for kryptonite on this one way street
only a man in a funny red sheet
looking for special things inside of me.."

-Superman (it's not easy) by Five for Fighting-

itu kalo kata Superman, sih. tapi bukan cuma Superman doang yang 'merasakan' itu. walopun aku bukan Superwoman juga, but really, it's not easy to be me.

akhir-akhir ini hidup lagi gak ada yang beres. almost in every aspects of my life.
love life.... ya gitu lah. tau sendiri kan ceritanya kemaren.
work life... yang paling mengganggu karena menghantui tiap hari. gonna talk about it later.
family life... masih ada yang mengganjal juga karena banyak target yang harus dikejar. well, target itu aku sendiri sih yang buat. makanya harus cepet-cepet direalisasikan biar for their own good. tahun depan maksimal rumah jadi, yes?
dan life-life lainnya.

oke sekarang mau cerita dulu yang tentang working life.
intinya lagi demotivated. again. kerjaan banyak tapi ga jelas pembagiannya gimana. redundant sama divisi/grup lain. belum lagi masalah angka dan template yang sering banget berubah di detik-detik terakhir. boss yang entah kenapa akhir-akhir ini terlalu sensitif. perang dingin antara boss dan anak buah yang cuma 2 orang. bener-bener kurang orang tapi ga pernah dapet orang tambahan, padahal load kerja nambah mulu.

dulu gak separah ini, sih. paling nggak masih lebih baik daripada tempat aku yang dulu.
secara kerjaan lebih meaningful, secara eksposur lebih 'keliatan'. tapi juga lebih stress dan lebih gila lemburnya. oke lah aku selama ini juga nerima kan (walopun kalo udah parah banget ya suka uraing-uringan sendiri. dan ambruk tepar abis itu HAHA). cuma kalo harus tetep lembur tapi ga jelas ngerjain apaan dan belum tentu juga itu kerjaan kepake, sebel juga kan?

itulah yang terjadi. sampe-sampe aku dan teman tim ku yang sebatangkara bener-bener ga ngerti lagi harus gimana. putus komunikasi sama si boss. entah emang dia tipenya single fighter atau gimana, direction nya ga jelas. well, ga mau terlalu nyalahin boss juga sih, barangkali maksud dia gak gitu. tapi gimanapun leadership style dia kan harusnya ujungnya harus memastikan kalo reports kita bisa selesai on time. tapi dengan minimnya komunikasi gini kan mana mungkin reports nya bisa selesai tepat waktu dan bener. oke kalo dipaksa pasti bisa, cuma mau lembur sampe jam berapa? apa mau sampe ga pulang?

sebel sih sama lembur. pulang pagi cuma gara-gara review (yang kecil-kecil atau yang harus berubah di detik terakhir). padahal dari pagi biasanya slow banget ga ada kerjaan. giliran udah malem baru nongol semuanya. DANG! bikin shift malem aja sekalian, sih ya.
capeeeek banget loh pulang malem terus. pengen punya hidup yang normal. gak neko-neko kan, mintanya?

udah gitu karna ga ada 'kecocokan' sama boss, teammate ku yang satu-satunya ini sampe udah beberapa kali minta pindah divisi. nah lho, mau sama siapa aku nanti? masa sendiriaaan T.T
dia even udah mulai apply-apply (lagi) ke tempat lain.
ya emang sih, siapa yang tahan juga kerja kayak gini terus. literally ga punya kehidupan.

makanya aku juga mulai sekarang udah siap-siap nebar CV ke tempat lain. no banking industry anymore tapi HAHA. udah trauma banget kerja di bank, especially di finance head office. makanya apply nya ke FMCG aja, ke beberapa dream company aku. mudah-mudahan dalam waktu dekat bisa keterima, ya. aamiiin

tiap hari rasanya ga ada semangat buat kerja. kalo ga inget di kantor ada banyak temen yang bisa diajak ketawa, udah males berangkat aja kali rasanya. padahal dulu masih seneng banget buat lebajar, buat ngulik ini-itu. tapi sekarang semua semangat itu udah sirna. gara-gara perubahan itu lah. miris.

sempet takut juga kalo ga dapet-dapet tempat baru, padahal aku udah semakin bosen, demot, dan gak produktif di sini. kalo mau terus bertahan, ga jelas mau jadi apa. tapi kalo mau tetep nekat keluar, mau jadi apa juga? aku masih punya banyak banget tanggung jawab............

ya Allah, please tolong banget, mudahkan jalan hamba untuk keluar dari sini. aamiin YRA

kepengen secepatnya cari tempat yang worth it kalopun aku harus lembur gila-gilaan. yang bisa bikin aku jadi semangat lagi. yang bisa bikin aku wujudin cita-cita keluarga aku. bener-bener pengen bisa secepetnya.

ini masih di kantor, dan masih jam kantor. jangan tanya kenapa sempet ngeblog, karena jawabannya ya karna ga ada yang bisa dikerjain. pulang aja apa? udah 5.28 pm juga, bentar lagi jam pulang.
well, I wish!

24

Another birthday. Another epic story behind it.

I'm thankful for this moment. For this age. For the chance to stay alive. For everything i have and i don't have.
Eventhough there are still so many things that i want to accomplish, i am very very grateful of everything in me. For every ups and downs. For my good and bad.

23 to 24. So many things happened. Struggling, laughing, crying, anything.
And in this special moment i actually waiting for something. Waiting for something to happen without knowing whether it is going to happen or not. Waiting for a special thing that i've been waiting for so long. Waitig for somethig that have been my only wish. My only reason to keep me 'alive'. But i got nothing.

The timing weren't right. Again. I don't know why timing never give a good thing to me.
Until i know the truth. Until i lost him. Again.

You don't know what i feel when you didn't tell me about your thesis result. I was so confused and worried about you. Were you alright? I tried to ask our friends about you, just so i know how your condition was. You never told me.

Then that almost-midnight message answered everything.
My simple question, "do you want me to stay.. or leave?"

I was so speechless read your answer. I was speechless to know the truth. Why did we never have a chance to be this close in our campus life?
Kenapa gue ga pernah sadari perasaan lo dulu? And wasted my time instead.

Komunikasi selama 6 bulan terakhir ini bener bener bikin gue jadi ngerasa lebih 'hidup' lagi.  Lebih ceria lagi. Lebih punya harapan lagi. Apalagi dengan gesture kita yg gue juga gatau kenapa bisa langsung nyaman lagi setelah sekian tahun lost contact. You are the only person who can fits me just like that.

Sampe akhirnya gue harus nerima kenyataan kalo kita harus pisah (lagi). Shocked. Because we were so close to being in love.

Gue ngerti gimana kondisi lo. Walopun sebenernya it doesn't really matter to me. Gue juga belum settle gitu. But what can i say? If you want me to leave, i will. Apalagi permasalahan antara lo dan mantan lo itu. Gue ga bisa ngomong banyak. Apalah artinya kita deket kalo lo masih belum bisa lepasin mantan lo. Berarti gue juga ga ada artinya apa apa buat lo. Karrna lo masih lebih milih mantan lo. Gue ngerti emang ga semudah itu move on. Apalgi kalo lo sempet sayang banget sama orang itu. I know how it feels. Been there done that. I also have my past. But i don't live there anymore.

Apapun itu, i really appreciate your decision. Dan mungkin karena lo anggap kalo it'd be better for us if i leave you, fine.
Then i lost you. I lost my friend. I lost the person who can make me laugh every day with his simple lines. I lost a person who teach me how to think simple, free. I lost a partner in talking about sweet nothings. I lost a person i can care about. I lost a family, your family that i don't know why gue sayang banget. I even havent met them all yet.

I lost you for the second time. Mungkin timing ga pernah tepat buat kita. Atau buat gue lebih tepatnya. Ending nya masih belum memihak ke gue.

Tapi apa lo pernah terpikir gimana perasaan gue? Sekarang?
Dan satu hal, why did you do this to me on my BIRTHDAY? you didnt even say 'happy birthday' to me. Why...

Good luck there. Semoga kebaikan dan keselamatan selalu menyertai jalan lo. Maaf kalo selama ini gue belum bisa support lo penuh. I really want to support you to be anything you want to be. Tapi mungkin kesempatan gue cuma sampe segini.
Mungkin ada orang yang lebih membutuhkan lo daripada gue.

Good luck there, Dzulqar. Promise me you'll grow as a wonderful man. Promise me to take a good care, stay healthy. Dan kalo emang jodoh dan ketemu lagi suatu hari nanti, gue pengen gelut lagi sama lo! Gue kangen gelut sama lo dan ngobrol ga jelas sampe ketiduran.

Almost is never enough, Dzulqar.

Life lessons

Today is holiday, due to legislative election day. I should back home, but you know that my 'life' and job won't let me go. I'm kinda sad because of it. My mother is hospitalized now but i can do nothing about it. You know, it's such a psychological torture when you know that your parents or relatives get sick but you can't do anything.

In lonely moment like this, sometimes i just want recall and remember all the things -the goods and bads- my family's been through. I realize that our tough lives give me so much experiences and lessons, and teach me how to stay strong no matter what the conditions are. And i get those valuable lessons from my parents. They show me how to live this life, how to face all the problems eventhough when we have no idea abouy what to do with the life itself. Firstly they never tell me to do this and that when i this and that, they just simply act on it and show some examples. In real life. That makes me even respect them because i witness every thing they do to keep our lives go on.

Well, lets we recall it one by one.

I remember when the first time we moved to Cilacap after leaving Wonosobo because of some reasons. I was 6, and still have one little brother of 2 y.o. we rented a room with just a few things we had. Just a couple of plate, glass, spoons, frying pan, and a stove. And of course some clothes. I remembered when my father said to me, a little girl, that we have to start to live modestly. We didn't have anyting, yet. I just nodded to him without knowing what that really meant.

My father worked at PT Semen Nusantara as a contract staff, did extremely dangerous job, that every time he back home i could see his sweat and wrinkled muscle. After a year passed, we finally could buy a bicycle, not a new but second-hand one. We were so excited that we don't have to walk to go to anywhere. My little self always remember how it feels.

Then my father got an offer to work in one of the public school in Cilacap as the 'school guard' because my grandmother (my father's mom) worked there as a teacher, so she offered that job. so for the next one and half year my family lived in a house inside that school. Did some works like guarding the school, cleaning the building, arranging the plants, and even my mother made some snacks to be sold. I was so excited to live around my own school, i had full access to the library that i could read whatever i want and as much as i want. I was so happy :)

Until one day we had a bad news about the missing water pump. We couldn't do anything about it as we didn't realize that it has gone. Then my father had to look for another job. And we forced to move to other place.

Again, my father only could rent a room. A single bedroon. With me and my brother getting older and bigger. Yet i could see his smile and spirit to face whatever live had prepared for us. My father tried to open his own business (or a little company in form of CV). it went well at the first time, so we could rent a house. A whole house, finally. And started to have old motorcycle, refigerator, sofa, TV, and so on. Our lives got better and better. I was in middle school. Then my second little brother born.

But after two years my father run that company, his business got bankcrupt. We had to sell some of our assets to try to build another business. Then my father tried to be a small retailer. He sold everyhting, like snacks, candies, cigarrette, detergent, anything. He bought from his agent friend and sold that all to the other retailer in sub-urbs by riding his old motorcycle. In rain, in sunny, in windy condition. My father never seemed tired of it. I know that he loves his job. He loves his business eventhough it won't make much money for our family. But luckily we always feel enough.

He still do that business until now, actually. But because economic condition's getting worsen lately, the business don't make any profit. My father tried to do another job. he even worked as "a house maker" , a rough and tiring job that i know that must be so tough for an old man like him. But he did it anyway.
My mother also helped by making some snacks to sell. I couldn't help them much. I just promised to myself that i have to be successful person so i can help them and support them for their entire lives.

Until finally i made to go to collage with full scholarship. I could give a little part of my 'scholarship living cost' to support my family. Luckily it went well for about 4 years.

I remember about how we have our first private house. WE MADE THE HOUSE WITH OUR OWN HANDS. literally. Let me tell you about it.

During the day he run his business, my father saved some money to buy a land. After that he bought some bricks, then iron, river stone, cement, and other things to build a house. We first built a house with only half of the wall is bricked. The other half used bamboo. With no ceramics but only soil. And no electricity. True story.
We stand for months wihtout electricity. Just lighted up 'cerosene lamp' that every time we woke up with black nose because of the smoke we breathe haha.

Then we started to literally build our home with our own hands. We made bricks,cultivated the soil and cement, built the wall, then the rooms, and so on. As an amateur, we did it as good as we could. Eventhough maybe it was still so rough and messy. But we love it. We love what we do together.

Until now that house still being 'work in process'. We need a lot of money to renovate it all at once, so.. maybe later. That's why i really want to have a good job with good salary so i can support my family and build them a decent house and life. In the making.

There are still so many 'unique' things that my family do in our lives. Until now we're still struggling to survive in this live. I have got a job but it seems like i haven't done anything valuable to my family. I still have so many dreams and hope for them. I don't wanna see them struggle for the entire of their life. I wanna see them happy everyday.

My parents have tought me how to face bitter conditions. How to stay strong and creative in cheating this life. Because like my father said "there's nothing impossible. Nothing we cannot do. If we can see it, then we absolutely can do it."
My father showed me that have to fight for everything we dream of. With anything we have, anything we can. Because nothing can stop us. Not that unlucky conditions as well.
Bitter conditions should make us stronger. And more creative.
He doesn't need to tell me all of that lessons. I have known it from long time ago with everything i see.

My mother? She is the strongest woman i've ever known. I know that she can always abandon my father because of his condition. (It nealry happened once, when they had a big fight when i was 8). But still, she chose to be with her husband, to support him, support our fanily with anything she could do. I realize that sometimes she thinks of her opportunity to get a job and abandon the family (not permanently, of course). But she never really do that. Later i found out that she couldn't left my father for so long time because they need each other.

Everytime they had big fight and my mother back to my grandparent's house, i saw my father really sad. And he told me that he really loves her. Things that made them fight was because he didn't want to see my mother work so hard and risk her health. Well after some days finally they could resolve their problem.

The lesson is, everyone has their own thoughts. And sometimes it can start a fight. Different opinion, different point of view. But by the name of love, sure we can solve all of these problems.

I learn a lot of things from my parents. Maybe they aren't the best parents in the world. They don't give me the same things like my friends' parents do to their children. But what i'm saying is that i am so proud about them. I'm so proud to have parents that teach me so many life lessons that i can bring in my own life. I'm proud of our past, out present, and can't wait to see how proud i am with our future.
Eventhough it's still so long way to go to make them all happy and proud of me, but i'm on my way.

I learned to:
- always work hard to achieve anything we want
- be creative. Nothing's impossible, so just do whatever in front of our eyes. Dream big, but live our nearest present first
- live modestly
- never undervalue other people. Everyone has gone through so many things that we don't know. They have their own problems, so don't judge or undervalue them
- keep on going and live our lives eventhough people thinks we won't make it. Remember, miracle exists
- don't look at what others' have. But look at how hard their struggle to achieve that
- be patient. With hard work, we can achieve our dreams, one by one
- never leave your family. Or your significant ones. The people you really love. Always support them, love them, be there for them, and help them to be anything they were meant to be.

Thanks for all the lessons. And i still learn from you all until now.
I hope you're also proud to have me as your daughter, bu, pah.

Stuck. Let me go

It's 2 a.m already, and i'm still at the office.
Gosh, i really have to figure out how to go outa here!
I'm so tired!

Let me go!

Let it be

Halo.

Lagi agak mellow. Well, not that mellow sih. Capek juga ya mellow terus haha.
Cuma pengen share aja cerita yang sebenernya mungkin udah sering banget terjadi di aku.

So sekarang ceritanya aku lagi agak deket sama cowok. Ya temen sih. Aku sih ngerasanya deket ya, tapi gatau dia nya nganggep apa haha.
He is my college friend. Kenal udah lama, sejak awal masuk kuliah. Pas dulu sih ga deket, ya. Cuma sekelompok pas ospek dan sempet bebetapa kali sekelas aja. Tapi yaudah gitu doang. Gak pernah komunikasi intens.

Trus beberapa bulan lalu (kalo gak salag sekitar Oktober or sebelumnya) tiba tiba dia contact aku. Sempet surprised banget. Tapi awalnya ya aku mikirnya biasa aj, kayak temen lama yang kembali menjalin komunikasi aja. Akhirnya berlanjut deh tuh komunikasi, sampe sekarang.

Selama kita intens komunikasi, aku jadi semakin tau dia itu orangnya kayak gimana. Yang agak agak absurd tapi seru. Yang agak 'gila', tapi justru itu yang bikin dia jadi beda sama yang lain. Dan itu yang bikin aku bisa betah lama lama whatsapan sama dia.
Dan yah.. entah kenapa aku ngerasa kalo kita nyambung aja.

Sempet sih beberapa kali dia lempar kode (aku anggap aja kode ya) yg bikin aku agak agak gimanaa gitu. Sok sok kirim emoticon bunga lah, ngomong ini lah, janji ngajak nonton ini lqh, bla bla. It really made me GR. Sampe akhirnya dia juga cerita kalo dia dulu suka banget bikin GR cewek dengan muji muji cewek itu, pokoknya sampe cewek itu GR. trus kalo cewek itu udah mulai suka, dia tinggalin. Jahat banget kan. Aku gatau apa maksud dia cerita itu ke aku. Dia gak lupa kan kali aku juga cewek? Aku sempet protes sih sama dia tentang kelakuan dia itu.

Intinya sekarang aku malah jadi mikir, apa aku ya yang sekarang digituin? Bukannya mau suudzon, tapi yang namanya dulu udah pernah ngelakuin itu kan brarti ada kemungkinan buat berlaku kayak gitu lagi kan?
Soalnya jujur aja aku sekarang udah mulai ngerasa care sama dia. Entah sejak kapan aku juga ga tau. Tiba tiba aja mulai care sama dia, sayang. Cuma ya gatau dianya gimana ke aku.

Awalnya mungkin aku emang sempet GR ya. Soalnya beberapa kali kita sempet ketwmu (baru dua kali sih selama kita deket) kayaknya gesture kita udah kayak gesture orang yang pacaran. Dan aku ngerasa nyaman aja jalan sama dia. You.know, semacam ngerasain lagi rasa nyaman sama cowok setelah udah lama gak ngerasain pasca putus dulu. Udah lama banget kan. Makanya aku juga bingung kenapa gitu. Apa iya aku udah mulai suka sama dia? Hmm

Tapi aku gamau ke GR an lama lama. Apalagi pas tau fakta kalo dia jarang (ato bahkan gakpernah) mau buat sedikitpun berusaha ketemu sama aku. Alasannya jauh lah, sibuk lah, dll. Emang sih kadang dia cerita kalo dia beneran lagi sibuk disuruh.ini itu. I can understand. Tapu masa iya sih gak biaa diusahain sekaliiii aja. Kan aku juga kangen banget sama dia. Pengen ketemu dia :(

Tuh kan kayaknya sekarang malah aku yang jatoh di lubang patah hati.
Sekarang juga malah rasanya semakin jauh. Semakin jarang komunikasi. Let say dia.lagi sibuk ngurusin skripai dan nunggu sidang ya (which is true). Ato mungkin juga dia udah mulai nyadar kalo aku mulai suka dan dia mulai menjauh :( nasib aku sama aja dong kayak.cewek cewek yang dia deketin dulu :(

Padahal andai dia tau ya, selama.ini aku seneng banget dia perhatian bgt pas aku lagi sakit. Yah walopun pas sakit terakhir kemaren aku pengen dia ada di deket aku karna waktu itu sakitnya banget banget dan aku ga punya siapa siapa buat diajak ngobrol ato sekedar menguatkan.
Andai dia tau kalo aku bemer bener kuatir sama dia waktu dia sakit tapi aku ga bisa ngelakuin apa apa. Waktu dia cerita kalo rumahnya kemalingan. Waktu dia cerita waktu ayah sama ibu nya sempet sakit dulu. Aku bener bener kuatir dan pengen bisa care, cuma aku gatau harus sebatas apa. Pacar bukan, temen doang.
Andai dia tau kalo aku kuatir banget pas dia belum dapet dapet tanggal sidang. Aku cukup ngerti lah gimana perjuangan skripai dia selama ini. Pas tinggal selangkah lagi malah seakan dipersulit gini :(

Mudah mudahan dia dikasih kelancaran pas sidang nanti sampe lulus. Aamiin. Semoga juga dilancarkan dalam mencari pekerjaan, karna dia udah pengen banget cepet cepet kerja.

Makanya aku gatau harua gimana sekaramg. Aku gatau dia kayak gimana karna dia emang susah banget ditebak orangnya. Sekarang cuma bisa nunggu aja kelanjutannya gimana. Apa aku beneran masuk ke kategori cewek yang cuma dikasih harapan dan dibikin GR doang, ato apa.

Cuma kalo mau jujur sih aku udah mulai sayang sama dia. Well, terlepas dari berapa banyak beda nya di antara kita ya. I dont know why.
So paling aku cuma bisa dalam kapasitas support dia melewati masa masa sulit ini. Sampe akhirnya dia bener bener lulus. Berhasil. Gak akan aku tinggalin kok. Walopun dia udah mulai jauh juga.

I just want to see him succeed. And support him to be anything he wants to be.
Im sure that he will find his way to success. Kalopun cuma bisa liat dari jauh, aku pasti bakalan selalu doain dia kok. Always.

For now he is every minute in my every day, kalo mengutip apa kata Michael Buble.
Tapi gatau dia nya gimana ya.
Sampe beneran gak ada ruang lagi buat yang lain. Sebesar apapun orang lain berusaha buat masuk, gak akan bisa. Karena semuanya udah penuh sama dia. Sampai saat ini.

Nah makanya gimana ending nya ya liat aja nanti.
Apapun lah. Let it be.

buat yang tersayang

Hai bu... pah... Dila kangen :(

pengen pulang tapi belum bisa-bisa..
maaf kalo aku ga bisa usahain buat pulang setiap bulan. maaf kalo aku selalu bikin ibu sama papah kangen, selalu nanyain kapan pulang, kapan pulang...
aku juga pengen banget selalu pulang. kalopun tiap minggu aku bisa pulang, aku pasti pulang.

maaf kalo sampe saat ini aku belum bisa ngasih apa-apa. selama ini aku baru bisa bantu dikit banget. aku belum bisa bikinin ibu sama papah rumah... bikinin usaha.. pokoknya apapun yang penting ibu sama papah bisa selalu bahagia. maaf kalo semua mimpi itu masih tertunda sampai detik ini.

tapi aku janji kok bakalan selalu berjuang buat wujudin itu semua. aku ga mau liat ibu sama papah hidup pas-pasan terus. aku ga mau liat ibu sama papah masih pusing mikirin hidup di hari tua kalian. sekarang lagi dalam proses buat menuju ke sana kok...

gapapa aku aja yang kerja keras. aku aja yang harus kerja sampe pagi. yang penting ibu sama papah jaga kesehatan. gausah terlalu ngoyo kerja karna aku tau kalian semakin lama udah semakin menua. biar aku aja yang cari. Insya Allah pasti ada jalan kok.

walopun mungkin di tengah jalan aku jadi semakin sibuk dan sampe gak sempet buat telpon atau nanyain kabar ibu sama papah. aku bener-bener gak ada maksud buat cuek kok, beneran. cuma kadang emang beneran ga sempet buat pegang HP ato telpon. kalo aku baru pulang pas udah malem banget, aku ga mungkin kan telpon malem malem di saat ibu sama papah mungkin udah tidur...
tapi makasih banget bu, pah, selama ini udah sms duluan nanyain kabar. bahkan waktu aku sendiri lupa sama kondisi diri aku sendiri,ibu sama papah yang selalu nanyain..

tenang aja bu, pah, walopun aku di sini kadang kerjanya gila gilaan, hampir selalu lembur dan pulang pagi, tapi aku insya allah kuat kok. demi ibu sama papah. walopun badan sampe rontok dan semakin mengurus, gapapa. karena mungkin saat ini ya segini inilah porsiku. emang harus melewati tahap ini.

selama ini aku juga jaga banget biar gak ngeluh di depan ibu sama papah. aku ga mau nantinya ibu sama papah malah kepikiran. walopun tiap aku ngeluh ujung-ujungnya malah 'disentil' dan diingetin kalo itu semua udah keputusan aku sendiri, jadi ga boleh nyesel dan ngeluh. tapi aku tau, walopun ibu sama papah ga suka liat aku ngeluh, tapi pasti kalian juga ga tega kan kalo liat aku kayak gini? makanya mending aku gausah cerita aja sekalian. bukannya ga mau terbuka sama orang tua, tapi aku mending cerita yang seneng-seneng aja. biar ibu sama papah ga kepikiran.

aku berusaha terus biar selalu sehat. walopun kadang akhirnya ambruk juga, sampe harus ke RS beberapa kali, tapi insya allah masih kuat kok. maaf juga aku ga pernah bilang kalo aku sakit. kembali lagi, aku ga mau bikin ibu sama papah kuatir. aku bisa kuat kok walopun lagi sakit juga. masih ada temen-temen di sekitar sini yang lebih deket dan bisa dimintain tolong. walopun jujur tiap aku sakit, mau sakit yang seremeh apapun, pasti aku pengen banget ada di deket ibu sama papah. tapi daripada ngerepotin ya mending gausah. kasian kalo harus jauh-jauh dateng ke sini.

yang penting di sana ibu sama papah juga selalu sehat. aku suka kuatir banget kalo denger ibu ato papah udah mulai sakit. pengen bisa pulang, tapi susah. pengen banget rasanya beliin ibu sama papah asuransi kesehatan, jadi kalo sakit apapun bisa langsung ditangani dan terjamin. tapi sampe sekarang aku masih belum bisa kasih itu ke ibu sama papah :(

aku pengen banget bisa kumpul lagi kayak dulu. lengkap sekeluarga. tapi hidup udah ngasih jalan kayak gini. semakin dewasa pasti kita semakin berpencar. cari peruntungannya masing-masing. aku tau sih kalo tiap malem ibu sama papah kesepian. Sandi sama Raihan sering banget keluar kan, kasian ibu sama papah ga ada yang nemenin :(
aku pengen kita bisa ngumpul lagi. mungkin gak semua, tapi yang penting ibu sama papah ada yang jagain. makanya aku pengen banget bisa beliin rumah di Jogja.. biar bisa gampang pulang pergi.

doain aku ya bu, pah, biar aku dikasih kekuatan dan kemudahan buat wujudin itu semua. aku kerja juga buat ibu sama papah. buat Sandi sama Raihan juga. aku ga punya siapa-siapa lagi yang lebih penting dibanding kalian kan. untuk saat ini. mudah-mudahan kita bisa hidup semakin sejahtera nantinya. aamiin

doain aku biar selalu dikasih kesehatan. dan kelancaran untuk semua cita-cita dan impianku. doain aku biar bisa dapet tempat yang lebih baik dari ini, biar aku ga perlu kerja sampe lupa pulang kayak gini. biar aku juga bisa bagi waktu buat diriku sendiri sama buat ibu sama papah. doain aku biar bisa balik lagi ke Unilever. insya Allah di sana bakal jauh lebih baik semua-muanya.

masalah aku yang sampe saat ini masih sendiri, ibu sama papah jangan kuatir. aku juga mikirin itu kok. aku ngerti kalo mungkin ibu sama papah takut aku terlalu mikirin karir sampe lupa kodrat sebagai perempuan. aku gak lupa kok. dan aku juga emang ngerasa butuh. pasangan. pendamping. aku cuma ga mau tergesa-gesa dan salah pilih.
bukannya selektif, aku cuma pengen laki-laki yang baik dan ga macem-macem kok. dan jaman sekarang ini rasanya susah banget nemuin laki-laki yang lurus lurus aja dan ga macem macem. ibu sama papah tenang aja, laki laki baik itu pasti bakalan dateng kok.

mudah-mudahan nanti siapapun yang beneran niat dateng bisa gampang nyambung sama ibu ma papah. karna aku tau lah sebagai anak perempuan satu satunya, anak pertama pula, mungkin ibu sama papah bakal lumayan protektif. tapi percaya aja, aku ga mungkin ngenalin kalian ke laki laki yang aku tau banget kalian ga akan pernah setuju. aku bakal ngenalin kalian sama laki laki yang baik, yang insya allah bisa jagain putri kalian ini.

siapapun yang aku kenalin ke kalian nantinya, insya allah dia yang aku yakini bisa jadi partner hidup aku. jadi teman hidup aku. jadi orang yang bisa kalian percayai buat sayangin aku. so, kalian ga perlu kuatir :)

aku cuma minta doa doa dan doa. karena tanpa ada doa restu dari kalian semua hal di atas ga akan bisa tercapai.

mungkin seharusnya aku sampaiin ini langsung ke ibu sama papah. mungkin harusnya aku ngomong langsung aja. tapi nyatanya aku bukan tipe anak yang bisa dengan leluasa nyampaiin hal hal sebesar dan sebanyak ini. aku emang gak pinter dalam hal nunjukin rasa sayang aku ke kalian pake kata-kata. begitupun juga sebaliknya. hahahah aneh ya. tapi aku tau kok kalo ibu sama papah sayang banget sama aku. dan sebaliknya :)

take good care.
your lovely only daughter,
Dila

another changes

Too tired to fall asleep.

Semaleman ini bener-bener gak bisa tidur. Atau bisa dibilang tidurnya sangat-sangat tidak berkualitas. Merem sih, tapi pikiran masih aktif. Melayang layang kepikiran ke.... kerjaan. -.-

Entah kenapa dari dulu selaluuuu gitu. Tiap ada hal yang menyita waktu dan pikiran, pasti selalu kebawa sampe mimpi. Bukan mimpi deng, tidur aja nggak bener kan. 'Menyiksa' bahkan sampai ke alam bawah sadar. Padahal lagi bener bener butuh tidur buat recovery. Hhhhhhh

Sekalian aja kali ya dituangkan di sini. Yah, selain ke Allah mau dituangkan ke mana lagi, kan? ;)

So. With my new role in new place and new responsibility, aku harus bisa mendeliver beberapa reports ke management. Reports itu merupakan reports tentang financial performance yg notabene sangat penting dan bener bener diperhatiin sama management and even Group di KL sana. Berarti secara kualitas harus dideliver beyond expectation kan?

Selama kurang lebih dua bulan aku ada di tempat ini, masih dalam tahap belajar mendalami isi dari tiap tiap reports itu. Karena selain sangat strategic dan butuh banyak analisa, banyak juga faktor teknis yg ada di dalamnya. Working papernya buanyaaak. Belum lagi nge-link ke beberapa working paper dari bagian lain. Dan data yang macem macem dari tempat lain, yang kadang masih harus diolah dan dikonsolidasikan dengan data lain sehingga menghasilkan data baru yang lebih bisa manusiawi untuk dijadikan informasi. Satu kata: riweuh.

Tapi so far walopun riweuh gitu aku masih cukup tertarik dan tertantang sih buat cari tau satu persatu. Entah tertantang atau emang karena suatu keharusan ya. HAHA. ya intinya gitu deh. Jadi selain bantu bantu ngerjain reports juga sekalian melototin satu satu datanya dari mana ke mana. And it takes time. Really.

Untungnya selama ini progress nya ada lah. Walopun mungkin gak secepat para incumbents di sana, tapi dikit dikit udah ngerti flow bikin reportsnya. Tinggal analisa nih yang masih PR. haduh

Jadi ceritanya dari awal Januari sampe sekarang semuanya (awalnya) berjalan dengan cukup lancar. Aku punya teammate yang gak cuma pinter dan ahli dalam hal reports tapi juga care banget mau dengan sabar ngajarin ini itu di sela sela kesibukannya. Even direct supervisor ku aja gak segitu care nya. Ups.
So aku ngerasa ini adalah best practice kita, di mana kerjaan dialokasikan ke dua orang, selain buat bagi bagi juga buat saling checking satu sama lain. Dan kebukti kan, banyak hal hal kecil yang awalnya missed jadi ketauan. (Sebelum digorok kalo udah keduluan ketauan haha)

baru sebentar aja ngerasa aman, baru sebentar aja steady, muncul satu kabar yang langsung bikin aku lemes. Teammate aku itu mau resign! Awalnya emang dia sempet cerita sih kalo dia bla bla bla dan pengen cari yang bla bla bla. Terlebih lagi selama ini dia bla bla bla. Intinya sih dulu dia juga sempet pengen resign gara gara too much pressure ngerjain semua reports itu sendirian. Pas akhirnya aku ditarik ke situ, dia bilang 'pokonya kalo lo dipindah ke tempat lain gue mau resign aja'. Yang aku tanggapi dengan "gue juga kalo lo resign mending gue pindah aja". Intinya sama sama saling 'membutuhkan kehadiran' satu sama lain, kan? Tapi entah kenapa tiba tiba dia ngajuin resign. How dare you. Somehow i feel like im betrayed. Hahahaha.

Ya tapi itu baru pengajuan dia aja sih. Mudah mudahan ditolak haha. Eh, di-retain maksudnya. Jadi gak perlu ada perubahan lagi kan...
Karena jujur aja aku kan sekarang juga lagi dalam proses perubahan... which is tough enough.. trus kalo di dalam proses perubahan itu ditambahin sama perubahan lagi... gatau deh mau jadi apa.

Honestly aku masih gak PD banget banget kalo harus ngerjain reports ini sendiri. Mungkin ini sih yang bikin aku jadi dirundung ketakukan dan gak tenang kayak gini. Secara aku juga masih dalam tahap belajar dan melatih speed, dan masih butuh arahan dan mentor terutama buat hal hal teknis. Yang ngerti teknis pengerjaan reports itu ya si teammate aku. Gak mungkin kan aku nanya masalah teknis ke atasan? Sekali dua kali mungkin oke lah, tapi setelahnya? You gotta figure that out by yourself. Itu role nya. Dan itu yang aku belum siap.

Rasanya egois juga ya kalo mengharapkan si teammate aku untuk gausah resign. Itu hak dia gitu. Tapi kalo diliat dari kacamata seorang lulusan HR (ceilah) sih emang rugi ya kalo perusahaan ngelepasin dia. Ibaratnya tuh melepaskan seseorang yg udah tau luar dalemnya reporting di sini. Masih muda pula, jalannya masih panjang. Aset itu lho. Tapi kalo secara pribadinya dia sih justru karena masih muda pasti pengennya belajar dan cari hal yang baru ya. Begitulah employee yang punya value, ay. Jadi gak cuma jadi kontributor dari beban personel perusahaan aja haha. Patut dicontoh itu.

Jadi kesimpulannya, bagaimanapun nanti akhirnya, teammate aku jadi resign atau nggak, segala kemungkinannya harus diterima dengan lapang dada. Worse case nya aku harus ngerjain itu semua sendirian. Just like what he did before. Banyak PR buat aku, banyak hal yang harus ditanyain dan dipelajari. Jadi kayaknya harus nodong dia buat ngajarin sebelum dia pergi. Hiks.

Dan... yah, semoga kuat. Karena kalo secara resolusi, resolusi 2014 aku cuma satu: survive. Entah survive di kerjaan, di kehidupan... life gets tougher day by day.

Well anyway, you'll never know 'til you've tried kan? So never say never! Cheers! :)

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