It's their loss, not mine.

Hello again!

It feels like i've forgeted this blog haha. Miss me? 😜

Actually i have so many things to share, the bitter sweet of my not-so-wonderful-and-interesting life haha. Like always, nothing to compare with famous people out there, but yeah, it's just a story of my life, of how i live everyday, and the surprises along the way. 

So many things happened after I wrote the last note here. You know, it's mostly about my career-story (not so called like a pro, though. I still build my career jungle anyway), my 'busy-ness' that take almost all my time (hiks) and some other stories about my attempt to find, you know, The One. 

And since my career and busy-ness don't really matter for now on -err, or maybe i don't wanna talk about it yet-, sooo perhaps i'll share some pieces of my latest story with that guys. Yes, men. 

So after i ended my 'relationship' with the  guy on my last post, you know, the campus-crush-that-we-correlated-again-after-i-graduated, i was lost for couple months. I think that's normal. One doesn't simply forget all the things we've done and shared for almost a year, intensely. Once more, intensely. At that time i was so angry with him, but relieved as well, because finally i could figure out what was happening betwwn me and him (or at least, what his view of this kind of relationship was) so i didn't have to wait for him 'forever'. Eventhough it was so embarrasing that he cut everything off after all this time, and sometime i cursed myself for being too clumsy and melancholic and pathetic and so on that i was so easily fell on his side. 

But then i realized that feeling cannot be forced. Cliche, i know, but that was the only things popped in my mind. Then i could appreciate his decision and the fact that he kind of 'dumped' me. 

Until oneday i found that he dated a girl in campus, while before that he said that he just wanted to focus on his thesis defense and career and that bulls*its. Well, it was very shocking news for me, as i believed all he said beforehand. What a jerk! 

Then i realized, that perhaps he said that to me just to calm me down, you know, some sort of make up stories men do to end any relationship. And yeah, i was his victim. 

Nothing i could do. Furthermore i've moved on and i don't care about him, anymore. It's his choice to rather choose that girl but me. At certain point it made me sad, that i wasn't the one he chose. That i ain't better that that girl. Like i... Have nothing to compare or to make him stay with me. I then started to question about my ownself. I tried to understand his condition but at the end i blamed myself for all that happened. What's wrong with me, God? 

When i was on my move on process, i met with my math-crush. The man i liked when i was in math. I liked him because he's so different with other guy, like he's very quiet and calm and 'straight'. And he's also so damn cute and handsome, like, very handsome that almost all woman fall for him. (Well, it's exaggerating haha)

Short story, after years separated with no communication at all, we finally meet again (with some other friends, ofcourse).  And funny story, eventhough we merely know each other and never chat with him at all, we had a very good time that night. We shared our stories, and he was so talkative, surprisingly, asked me about anything. It was so surprising. And he also rode me back to my office after that. So happy til i could feel the joy in my fingers, literally! 

And then we began to communicate again after years, that made me don't want to lose him again. One day i told him that i liked him since in university, and i wanted to know whether he has the same intention. I said if he has the same intention, why wouldn't we start to be friend again, to know each other better. Who knows it will turn out that we're match for each other, right? 

Pardon my manner, but i thought it was the best step i could take, because i don't wanna wait for something 'unclear' for along time. So finally i had this gut to tell him about this huge thing. 

He said that he also felt the same way, like the feeling he didn't what it was, that he agreed to start all over again. Relieved. 

We began to chat, share, check one another's conditions, and so on. But that only lasted for days. It seemed like he never give same effort as me in this process of 'knowing each other phase'. He rarely text me first, or text me back immediately. Never. 

I still thought that.. It's his style, which makes him looks so cool as a man (pffft). Then i finally realized that he's not that into me. So i cut it out, again. 

What's the point of trying to know someone, caring, and understanding, while he never appreciates it? It's wasting time, energy, and useless. He seems to just bluffing when said he has the same intention bla bla bla. And you know what? Maybe he's now dating with other girl as he posted in his Path account. 

Honestly, i was so sand and angry knowing this, but who the hell am i? I have no right to be mad at him, i know. And i really try hard to not mad at him, to understand him, that he's just not that into me. Or never, worse case. 

I ask again, what's wring with me, God? That no one chose me and considered me as their 'valuable person' in their lives? 

I know that i can't just blame anything to myself or others. I just have to understand more. And to accept and try to live with it. 

They never know how much i love them at that time. How much i care about them that sometimes i forget to care about my own self. They never know that i always try to give my 'love' just for them, and never let anyone else in into my heart because i already 'have' them. They never know that i would follow them anywhere they are. They never know that i always pray for their success everyday. They never know. 

And i also nevwr know why they did that thing to me. Or perhaps i don't really wanna know, or it's not necessarily to know. 

One thing i know, it's their loss. Not mine. 

Because what's a man without integrity anyway? What kind of man who never keep their promises? I don't need that man. It's not my loss.