March 14

So. Yesterday i saw a video about 20 (or 25) things women should do before they settle down. One of them is "keep journals". So by means of journals, i assume it's in daily basis (?) 

Then i remember that i have kind of journal, THIS journal, that i barely write in it again lately. Am sorry. 

But the point is, yes i will try to write again everyday -or anytime i feel like writing anything. Plus, it's the only place i have to share all about me and my daily life and my thoughts and so on, right? 

So i'll be back with so many new updates of my not-so-important life. 

Sometimes the only thing you need after a long and tough day at work is just a good companion, a great person to talk to, to share all of your stories that day. If you have that kind of person/companion, great. But if you don't, just like me, so writing a life journal will be so much help. It's kind of self-help, actually. 

So, i'll write everything later. Cheers! 

It's their loss, not mine.

Hello again!

It feels like i've forgeted this blog haha. Miss me? 😜

Actually i have so many things to share, the bitter sweet of my not-so-wonderful-and-interesting life haha. Like always, nothing to compare with famous people out there, but yeah, it's just a story of my life, of how i live everyday, and the surprises along the way. 

So many things happened after I wrote the last note here. You know, it's mostly about my career-story (not so called like a pro, though. I still build my career jungle anyway), my 'busy-ness' that take almost all my time (hiks) and some other stories about my attempt to find, you know, The One. 

And since my career and busy-ness don't really matter for now on -err, or maybe i don't wanna talk about it yet-, sooo perhaps i'll share some pieces of my latest story with that guys. Yes, men. 

So after i ended my 'relationship' with the  guy on my last post, you know, the campus-crush-that-we-correlated-again-after-i-graduated, i was lost for couple months. I think that's normal. One doesn't simply forget all the things we've done and shared for almost a year, intensely. Once more, intensely. At that time i was so angry with him, but relieved as well, because finally i could figure out what was happening betwwn me and him (or at least, what his view of this kind of relationship was) so i didn't have to wait for him 'forever'. Eventhough it was so embarrasing that he cut everything off after all this time, and sometime i cursed myself for being too clumsy and melancholic and pathetic and so on that i was so easily fell on his side. 

But then i realized that feeling cannot be forced. Cliche, i know, but that was the only things popped in my mind. Then i could appreciate his decision and the fact that he kind of 'dumped' me. 

Until oneday i found that he dated a girl in campus, while before that he said that he just wanted to focus on his thesis defense and career and that bulls*its. Well, it was very shocking news for me, as i believed all he said beforehand. What a jerk! 

Then i realized, that perhaps he said that to me just to calm me down, you know, some sort of make up stories men do to end any relationship. And yeah, i was his victim. 

Nothing i could do. Furthermore i've moved on and i don't care about him, anymore. It's his choice to rather choose that girl but me. At certain point it made me sad, that i wasn't the one he chose. That i ain't better that that girl. Like i... Have nothing to compare or to make him stay with me. I then started to question about my ownself. I tried to understand his condition but at the end i blamed myself for all that happened. What's wrong with me, God? 

When i was on my move on process, i met with my math-crush. The man i liked when i was in math. I liked him because he's so different with other guy, like he's very quiet and calm and 'straight'. And he's also so damn cute and handsome, like, very handsome that almost all woman fall for him. (Well, it's exaggerating haha)

Short story, after years separated with no communication at all, we finally meet again (with some other friends, ofcourse).  And funny story, eventhough we merely know each other and never chat with him at all, we had a very good time that night. We shared our stories, and he was so talkative, surprisingly, asked me about anything. It was so surprising. And he also rode me back to my office after that. So happy til i could feel the joy in my fingers, literally! 

And then we began to communicate again after years, that made me don't want to lose him again. One day i told him that i liked him since in university, and i wanted to know whether he has the same intention. I said if he has the same intention, why wouldn't we start to be friend again, to know each other better. Who knows it will turn out that we're match for each other, right? 

Pardon my manner, but i thought it was the best step i could take, because i don't wanna wait for something 'unclear' for along time. So finally i had this gut to tell him about this huge thing. 

He said that he also felt the same way, like the feeling he didn't what it was, that he agreed to start all over again. Relieved. 

We began to chat, share, check one another's conditions, and so on. But that only lasted for days. It seemed like he never give same effort as me in this process of 'knowing each other phase'. He rarely text me first, or text me back immediately. Never. 

I still thought that.. It's his style, which makes him looks so cool as a man (pffft). Then i finally realized that he's not that into me. So i cut it out, again. 

What's the point of trying to know someone, caring, and understanding, while he never appreciates it? It's wasting time, energy, and useless. He seems to just bluffing when said he has the same intention bla bla bla. And you know what? Maybe he's now dating with other girl as he posted in his Path account. 

Honestly, i was so sand and angry knowing this, but who the hell am i? I have no right to be mad at him, i know. And i really try hard to not mad at him, to understand him, that he's just not that into me. Or never, worse case. 

I ask again, what's wring with me, God? That no one chose me and considered me as their 'valuable person' in their lives? 

I know that i can't just blame anything to myself or others. I just have to understand more. And to accept and try to live with it. 

They never know how much i love them at that time. How much i care about them that sometimes i forget to care about my own self. They never know that i always try to give my 'love' just for them, and never let anyone else in into my heart because i already 'have' them. They never know that i would follow them anywhere they are. They never know that i always pray for their success everyday. They never know. 

And i also nevwr know why they did that thing to me. Or perhaps i don't really wanna know, or it's not necessarily to know. 

One thing i know, it's their loss. Not mine. 

Because what's a man without integrity anyway? What kind of man who never keep their promises? I don't need that man. It's not my loss. 

Critical decisions

Wake up with this tought. I've made so many decisions in my life, since i was a little girl, perhaps. And i barely realize that some of those decisions are the critical ones, decisions that changed my life path. And it's very clear that if i didn't take that decisions/actions, my life won't be the same. I even won't be here. 

Here are some critical decisions that i decided in critical conditions as well (at that time), that really changed my life: 

1. My decision to finally entered the best high school in Cilacap (SMA N 1 Cilacap) and also in Immersion class (kind of international class which English spoken)

I used to have a standard dream. I mean, when i'm in my middle school age, i just want to enter an 'average' high school, because i realize that my parents don't have much money to pay my school fee. So i tought that perhaps i will just enter the vocational school (SMK) where i will able to find jobs and work right after i graduate. That was my one simple wish: i want to work as soon as possible so i can support my parents. 

But one day, there was a little voice in my head that told me to try to enter the other school, the best and most prestigious in the city. Finally i chose to take that chance, and voila! I was accepted with some scholarship, and it changed my life. 

2. My (spontaneous) decision to take the entrance test to UI

This was my second critical decision. While waiting my final exams, my friends took so many private course for preparing their university entrance test. Some wanted to enter UI, UGM, UNDIP, ITB, etc. Me? I didn't haha. Well, it doesn't mean that i didn't want to pursue my higher education, but i still couldn't decide where i will pursue it. I was in a very bad condition after my scholarship proposal to Pharmacy UGM was rejected. In my 'low' period, i lost my spirit. 

But some of friends aksed me to try UI entrance test, which i finally did in the last  registration day. Shortly, i was accepted there while my other friends weren't. Again, i was so lucky, eh? 

3. My decision to apply for Lippo Bank Scholarship

Due to my family's economic challenges, i had to find scholarship to fund my tuition fees. So when some persons from Lippo Bank held roadshow to my school and explained about this scholarship, i just wanted to try. Eventough at that time i didn't feel confident because this scholarship was given to some students all over Indonesia, which means the conpetition will be so tough. And i tought that i was just a student from a school in small city. Will i make it? 

Further more, i was the only student that applied for that scholarship (in my school, and even in my city). So i was so nerveous and just rely on Allah SWT for whatever the result is. Finally, i made it. I got this scholarship right after i was accepted to UI. What major did i take? Mathematics. Wow! 

4. My decision to change my major of study from Math to Management

Well, this was the most tough one. 

When i chose my major of study in UI, i chose the major that Lippo Bank Scholarship prefer. Some of them are Math, Statistics, Management, Economics, Law, Accounting, and Psychology. So because i was from natureal science, so i chose Math. I got in, i got the scholarship, so i was supposed to just study hard, right? 

Then i didn't know why my campus life didn't run smoothly like i want. I felt like i really hate what i was doinf there. I didn't like math, i was just not into it. (Well, i've ever wrote about it in my previous post, entitled "eco-no-math" so i won't go too detail). 

So i made this big decision in my life. I can't imagine what i will be if i didn't make this decision. Perhaps i will be dropped-out because of my GPA, or they will cut my scholarship because i can't fulfill the minimum GPA, or even i will be stressed out because of it. But yeah, i'm standing on different path now. 

I was successfully changed my major and studied Management. 

5. My decision to take the opportunity to apply for SFDP (Strategy and Finance Development Program)

Before graduating, i already had a job. Well, not literally a job, actually, because i worked as an intern in Unilever through one of their program, ULIP (Unilever Leadership Internship Program). I worked in HR Department, because i took HR Management as my concentration of study. Right after graduating, CIMB Niaga  (formerly Lippo Bank) offered me to take a test for TCB (The Complete Banker) Program, their prestigious MT program. I took some of the tests, interviews, business presentation, but eventually i failed after the last stage, interview with Director. Then they offered me with another development program, SFDP. Firstly i refused that, because i wasn't from Finance. I don't know much about finance. I don't think will make it there. But they keep confincing me and reminding me that this is a good opportunity bla bla bla. 

So finally i took that chance. Again, spontaneously decided it. Until i got accepted, i learned Finance from zero, and luckily i be The Best Participant. It was like a whoa! 

Since then, i change (again) my life path, to finally live in this Finance world, not HR world as i expected before. 

If i look at those decisions i made in the past, it's clear that almost all of them made in a very spontaneous way. I don't know why, but i'm kind of person that live something spontaneous haha. But one thing for sure is, those decisions really changed my life.

I don't know what will happen if i entered those vocational school. Maybe i will end up like my other old friends who only stay in Cilacap with 'mean' jobs and have 'mean' life. Sorry to say, but that's reality. Thank you, past me!

What will happen if i didn't take the UI entrance test? Perhaps i will end up pursuing my higher degree in nearer campus, perhaps like Unsoed, because the other favorite campuses already closed the registration. But i was in UI instead, learned in this beautiful campus, with all of its pluses and minuses, formed me to become what i am today. 

Thank you, past me!

Who will cover my tuituion fees if i didn't dare to apply for that scholarship? Perhaps i still can continue my study, but what will happen to my parents if i keep burdening them with my expensive fees? What about my two little brothers that also need money for their schools? 

The scholarship really changed my life. My family's life. Because it not only help me but also help my family. I still can save some portion of my scholarship to support my family, which means i already fulfill my dream to pursue my higher education without bothering my family, while i'm also able to support them financially. 

Thank you, past me! 

I don't know how my life will be if i stay in Math. Maybe will be a DO student, jobless, or anything. These was my darkest period on my life where i didn't even know what to do anymore if i don't change that. 

Thank you, past me! 

I will have different path now if i didn't take the chance to join SFDP. Perhaps i still in Unilever now, for i could continue my project there until finally they hire me through UFLP (well, i hope so). 

But now i am about to build my career in Finance world. A whole new world for me, but i'm sure it will bring me so many experiences with anything in it. The most important things is that i have a job now, a permanent job with a good position in a  big multinational bank, with an important job as well. 

Again, thank you, past me!

Thank you for all this spontanity, thank you for always keeping your faith, thank you for your always taking chances. 

You still have to make so many critical decisions ahead. Don't forget to always use your logic ya, and your faith. Taking chances. You'll never know 'til you've tried, in anything. Good things still come your way. 

Thank you, past and present me! 

Secondhand Serenade Live in Concert

Hore akhirnya aku sempet nonton konser Secondhand Serenade jugaaaaaa, yay! Simply happy! 

Sebenernya dia udah sering banget sih dateng ke Indonesia, cuma aku baru sempet liat sekarang. Mumpung deket juga dari kostan, hehe. Jadi pas pertama tau kalo dia mau konser langsung deh niat buat nonton. Sempet ragu juga takut disuruh lembur hari Sabtu kemaren (uuuu) tapi ternyata disuruh lemburnya baru hari Minggu (wuuuu). Tapi yaudahlah yang penting bisa nonton kan. 

Terus deh nyari-nyari temen buat nonton bareng hahahaha. Tadinya kita udah ada bertiga nih yang pengen nonton. Tapi pada akhirnya mereka gak bisa. Yang satu diajakin keluarganya ke Bali, yang satu mendadak harus check up ke dokter. Alhasil aku nonton sendiri aja. Biarin sendirian juga, yang penting happy. Kalo ga ada temen trus masa aku ga jadi? Yang ada nanti menyesal soalnya itu konsernya deket bangeeeeet.

Intinya sih based on prinsip "happiness is a choice. You gotta create your own happiness". Ya walaupun itu artinya harus ke mana-mana dan ngapa-ngapain sendiri. It's okaaaay

Waktu mau nukerin tiket, buset di antrisan itu anak-anak sekolah semua. Masih kecil-kecil gitu yang nonton aaaaa. Apa itu artinya aku yang masih childish kayak mereka, ya? Ahahahaha. Biarin. Yang penting aku bisa nonton penyanyi kesukaan aku sejak dari masa-masa kuliah dulu. Sekalian nostalgia lah, taking chances mumpung lagi deket sini. 

Harusnya gate open jam 5 sore. Tapi termyata sore itu ujan gede. Untung bawa payung. Kasian sih yang lain sampe rela ujan-ujanan basah banget kayak gitu. Loyal fans, ya. Trus gara-gara ujan jadi ngaret lah itu semua acaranya. Yang tadinya di jadwal jam 7 mulai, ini baru mulai sekitar jam 8an. Itupun baru buat band pembukanya, Rama Band. Nah kan semua pengisi acaranya lagunya typical galau galau gitu haha. 

Secondhand nya sendiri, aka si John yang kece itu baru on stage sekitar jam 9an malem. Gila cewek-cewek langsung pada berisik banget teriak-teriak. Dan berhubung aku dapet tempat di yang paling depan dan tepar di tengah, di mana itu adalah pusat keramaian, jadi aja ini kuping rasanya kayak mau pecah. Remaja tuh kalo nonton konser bisa sampe segitunya ya haha. 

Konsep konsernya kali ini akustik, John main musik sendiri pake gitar sama piano. Semakin nyesss kan, dengan lagu-lagu galau yang di-akustik-in, gerimis gerimis pula. Hampir semua lagu yang ngehits dimainin, dan ada beberapa lagu baru, yang baru mau rilis juga dinyanyiin di sini. Oh iya di situ John juga ada kolaborasi sama penyanyi cewek, Veronica Bal. Tipe-tipenya kayak Taylor Swift, yang nyanyi lagu ciptaan sendiri pake gitar. She's quite good lah. 

Yang lucu adalah, aku malah akhirnya jadi ngerasa lega gitu pas ikut teriak-teriak nyanyi bareng haha. Berhubung aku dateng sendiri, gak ada yang aku kenal dan kenal aku, jadinya bebas banget kaaaan. Cuek aja mau ngapa-ngapain. Sambil ngeliatin tingkah para remaja putri yang pada heboh sendiri hehe. 

Akhirnya sekitar jam 10 lebih selesai deh konsernya. Puass. Seneng. Walaupun pegel juga lebih dari 5 jam berdiri terus. Finally, misi buat nonton secondhand completed! Foto dan rekaman udah siap buat diliat lain waktu, hehe

Big thanks to myself, for having the guts to do anything that makes me happy :)

Secondhand Serenade Live in Concert

Hore akhirnya aku sempet nonton konser Secondhand Serenade jugaaaaaa, yay! Simply happy! 

Sebenernya dia udah sering banget sih dateng ke Indonesia, cuma aku baru sempet liat sekarang. Mumpung deket juga dari kostan, hehe. Jadi pas pertama tau kalo dia mau konser langsung deh niat buat nonton. Sempet ragu juga takut disuruh lembur hari Sabtu kemaren (uuuu) tapi ternyata disuruh lemburnya baru hari Minggu (wuuuu). Tapi yaudahlah yang penting bisa nonton kan. 

Terus deh nyari-nyari temen buat nonton bareng hahahaha. Tadinya kita udah ada bertiga nih yang pengen nonton. Tapi pada akhirnya mereka gak bisa. Yang satu diajakin keluarganya ke Bali, yang satu mendadak harus check up ke dokter. Alhasil aku nonton sendiri aja. Biarin sendirian juga, yang penting happy. Kalo ga ada temen trus masa aku ga jadi? Yang ada nanti menyesal soalnya itu konsernya deket bangeeeeet.

Intinya sih based on prinsip "happiness is a choice. You gotta create your own happiness". Ya walaupun itu artinya harus ke mana-mana dan ngapa-ngapain sendiri. It's okaaaay

Waktu mau nukerin tiket, buset di antrisan itu anak-anak sekolah semua. Masih kecil-kecil gitu yang nonton aaaaa. Apa itu artinya aku yang masih childish kayak mereka, ya? Ahahahaha. Biarin. Yang penting aku bisa nonton penyanyi kesukaan aku sejak dari masa-masa kuliah dulu. Sekalian nostalgia lah, taking chances mumpung lagi deket sini. 

Harusnya gate open jam 5 sore. Tapi termyata sore itu ujan gede. Untung bawa payung. Kasian sih yang lain sampe rela ujan-ujanan basah banget kayak gitu. Loyal fans, ya. Trus gara-gara ujan jadi ngaret lah itu semua acaranya. Yang tadinya di jadwal jam 7 mulai, ini baru mulai sekitar jam 8an. Itupun baru buat band pembukanya, Rama Band. Nah kan semua pengisi acaranya lagunya typical galau galau gitu haha. 

Secondhand nya sendiri, aka si John yang kece itu baru on stage sekitar jam 9an malem. Gila cewek-cewek langsung pada berisik banget teriak-teriak. Dan berhubung aku dapet tempat di yang paling depan dan tepar di tengah, di mana itu adalah pusat keramaian, jadi aja ini kuping rasanya kayak mau pecah. Remaja tuh kalo nonton konser bisa sampe segitunya ya haha. 

Konsep konsernya kali ini akustik, John main musik sendiri pake gitar sama piano. Semakin nyesss kan, dengan lagu-lagu galau yang di-akustik-in, gerimis gerimis pula. Hampir semua lagu yang ngehits dimainin, dan ada beberapa lagu baru, yang baru mau rilis juga dinyanyiin di sini. Oh iya di situ John juga ada kolaborasi sama penyanyi cewek, Veronica Bal. Tipe-tipenya kayak Taylor Swift, yang nyanyi lagu ciptaan sendiri pake gitar. She's quite good lah. 

Yang lucu adalah, aku malah akhirnya jadi ngerasa lega gitu pas ikut teriak-teriak nyanyi bareng haha. Berhubung aku dateng sendiri, gak ada yang aku kenal dan kenal aku, jadinya bebas banget kaaaan. Cuek aja mau ngapa-ngapain. Sambil ngeliatin tingkah para remaja putri yang pada heboh sendiri hehe. 

Akhirnya sekitar jam 10 lebih selesai deh konsernya. Puass. Seneng. Walaupun pegel juga lebih dari 5 jam berdiri terus. Finally, misi buat nonton secondhand completed! Foto dan rekaman udah siap buat diliat lain waktu, hehe

Big thanks to myself, for having the guts to do anything that makes me happy :)