Sunday, May 25, 2014

Please

Akhir-akhir ini lagi sering banget ngeluh sama kerjaan. Not that i'm ungrateful, no, but really, this job is killing me. I'm dying, literally. 

Awalnya aku mikir kalo yaa itulah risiko pekerjaan. Apalagi di finance, especially di divisi yang jam kerja nya gak jelas gini (i even work almost 16 hours a day. Sumpah ya, udah kayak kerja dua hari aja kan). Kalo cuma sekali-kali sih ga masalah, tapi kalo udah hampir sepanjang minggu, berarti ada yang salah kan? 

I may blame the job. I blame my supervisors. I blame anything. I even blame myself for stupidly want to moved to this part if company. Huh. 

What makes me really angry (and sad) is that i don't have time anymore. For myself. For my family, my parents. My friends. Firstly my job steals my peaceful nights, then my free days. My weekends. My holidays. Then at last it will steal my whole life. Or it does, already, perhaps. Crazy, right?

I can't imagine what it would be to have this tough job when i already build my own family. I really don't wanna see that. I don't want to see my family -my husband, children, parents- lack of my time. Well, this is still quite far to think, but i really think about that. I don't wanna sacrifice my time with my significant ones just for the sake of career. Eat that career! 

I realize that i have to move from this place as soon as possible. It's pointless to just blame anything, hate myself, but doing nothing to change it. I really really wanna change it, but unluckily for me, i still have a job contract in here. I suppose to be 'free' on July 2015, which still so long. Gosh, what should i do then?

People says i have to be more patient about that because it's my job, my responsibility. I'm patient enough, i think. But when it is already beyond my limit, what can i say? 
Do they need to see me dying and finally die, so they realize that they need to stop this all? Kill me now, then! 

I'm sorry if i eventually seem to be so ungrateful. I'm sorry, but i just can't stand this 'torture' any longer.

Please please please, help me.. 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Befores

There is a sequel movie, consists of three, but have one single-continous story. They are Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Before Midnight. 

I don't remember the Director's name (bad at remembering names, haha) but i know the lead actor. It was Ethan Hawke. 

So this is the story. 
Begin with Before Sunrise. There is two young people, a man and a woman. The man, Jesse, is an American man who is in the middle of his journey to somewhere (sorry, can't remember it). Whereas the woman, Celine, is a French girl on her way to Paris. They meet on the train. 

Shortly, they bump to each other -as a stranger for each other- and have these long but kind of deep conversation. They talk about their lives, the books they read at that time, and also about their vision and ideas and how they see life. 

At first i feel like this movies is kinda boring because they just talk to each other while continuing their trip. The set is just in the train, you know, that is so boring for me haha. 

Well, back to the story. Jesse and Celine feel that they have special connection when they talk to each other, so they accidentally make a decision to stop at Vienna and walk around, together, instead of heading to their own directions. 

So at that evening they walk around Vienna, Italy, sightseeing. And still continuing their heavy talk. About their idealism. And so on. (I don't really listen what they say)

They keep talking on the street, in restaurant, on the edge of a river, on the bridge, in front of people's house, etc. Until finally they stop at a park, in almost midnight, with a stolen wine and glasses with them. They then get drunk and, you know, make love. (Fortunately they don't reveal the make love scene. Fiuh)

And then they wake up the next day, back to the train station. Celine has to back to Paris to catch her summer school there. Jesse just... I don't know, continuing his journey to anywhere he likes. So they separate, without exchange their phone numbers, emails, addresses, or whatever. But they make a promise to back to that same place, 6 months later, which if i'm not mistaken is in around December 1995. 
And then Celine left to Paris. Jesse go to the places they visit the previous day. Just to remember that day. And Celine. And that is their story, on before sunrise, before Celine leaves Jesse. 

The second sequel, Before Sunset.
This story happens 9 years later. Jesse and Celine never meet again since 1995. One day Jesse happen to be one of the young published author. He has this promotional agenda in one of the book store in Paris. While he explaining about his novel, he sees Celine in one of the crowed. So after his session finish, he bumps to Celine, eventhough he just has very short time to catch his flight back to New York. 

The two meet again, and....talk again. Gosh! Let me tell you, this sequel consist of the stories of Celine and Jesse only ob that day. The same day. Not even a day, perhaps only hours. Two or three hours. 

They exchange the stories about their recent lives. Seems awkward at first time, but things gets easier at last. Then Celine asks Jesse if he come to Vienna that December, 9 years ago. She also tell Jesse that she couldn't make it because her grandma is dead. So she has to go to her gandma's funeral. She also say that she already prepare everything to go and see Jesse, but Life has another plan. 

At first Jesse say that he also couldn't make it, which make Celine a little bit relieve. But then it turns out that Jesse was there, 6 months after they first met, waiting for Celine in the same place. But she never comes. They surely dissapointed why they never exchange phone numbers before. 

Then they walk around the city, looking for a cafe, then ride this tourist boat. And still talking. Celine knows that Jesse is married now, so she ask how is the feeling to be married. Jesse tell her the story behind his marriage, that he got married with this woman that he used to date,9 on and off, and when she accidentally pregnant, then they married. He also says that the only thing that makes him happy in his marriage life is seeing his little boy. He feels sorry for his wife, because eventhough she is a good mother, a good wife, he can never be happy with her. 

Celine says that she also has a boyfriend already, a happy life. Great couple. But what strange is that she always feels much comfortable when they are far from each other. 

That's a little piece of stories that i can remember, hehe. 

Jesse has to catch the flight, so he take Celine to her apartment. On their way, suddenly they have this little fight, about why can't they meet that December, about why are they have to be like this, they finally meet again but with a very different condition. About how they love each other, how they feel comfortable, how they have these connection from the first time they met, but they can't be together. 

Both of them seem to be sceptical about love, about life, about happiness. Because it turns out that both Jesse and Celine already give all their hopes on that day, on December 9 years ago. 

The story ends in Celine apartment, where Jesse comes here to see Celine plays her guitar and sings for him. Celine then plays her song, on a waltz, a song about Jesse. 

And oh i missed one thing. The novel that Jesse write for about 3 or 4 years is about Celine. About their trip in Vienna, about an American man who meets a French girl and have some sweet moments until finally they say goodby before sunrise the other day. 

I may not portrait it perfectly, but i think this movie is great. I mean, it can happen to anyone. And once more, timing is a b*tch! Haha. So many people have special connection, or chemistry, but they can never be with each other because of the bad timing, or something like that. 
What i love most about this Before Sunset is that, this movie tells us about how Jesse finally meet Celine again. How they have to settle some issues in just 2 or 3 hours. How they finally realize that they have a separate life path. And how they deal with it. 

Perhaps the third sequel, Before Midnight, will tell us the more about them. I will watch it soon, but i can't wait to see their final fate. 

There are also some great quotes in this movie. I like it because it seems so real and same with me haha. So check them out! 

"I feel like I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost."

"I see in people in every little details, so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss and always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone is made of such beautiful, specific details. I remembered that, and missed it. Really crazy, right?"

"Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts too much." 

"The past is the past. It was meant to be that way."

- Celine - 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Scared

Today i feel scared. I'm scared that i can't live this life well. I'm scared i can't give my best to the people i love. I'm even scared to think about my future. Will i have a bright one? Like what i'm always dreaming of? Or is it gonna be another hell? Well, nobody really knows.

I'm just trying to be a better person day by day. Eventhough i'm still very far for being perfect, i know. I may not have a great life (yet). Probably i still have to struggle for my success. I may don't have everything that i really want, but hey, you can't always get what you want, no?

One of the things that makes me scared is the reality that -maybe- this is the time where i have to find my significant one. To find a partner. Well, it sounds cheesy but that's reality. I don't want to overthink it, really, but what you will do when almost all of your friends got enganged or even got married, and you're just like.. Single?

I'm not saying that being a single is such a curse, no. But there will come a day when you feel that you really need that partner, a person that will complete your life. Until now i don't know what the best criteria is, or what kind of person that we should have in our lives. I don't know. 

One thing i know is that person, the one who is really meant for me, will come oneday. He's on his way, and he will greet me, he will stand and sit beside me, soon. I always believe that. I always believe that everyone has their own soulmate. I believe that everything created in pairs, so why worry? Yes, why should i be worry? 

What i am worrying is that, will i able to be a good partner? To be a good wife? A good mother? Will every single thing in my imagination about my future life become reality? I do hope so.

Eventhough i'm not typical of a very good woman. For those who don't know me mighy be misinterpret me. Or if you look into my social media accounts, you will see that i'm not kind of woman that calm, shy, or any other 'angel' traits. I'm just me. I like any kinds of music, from classic to rock. I like watching movies. I like doing karaoke and sing along. I like watching sports. I like playing music although i'm not so well on it. I like hanging out with a bunch of friends. I like reading so many kinds of books. I like watching drama and TV series and got so excited and even crazy about it (HIMYM, especially). And so on.

Perhaps people thinks that i am so out of control. I am sooo what is it? Hedon? I don't know. I just like doing anything i like. Yet people will always judge, no matter what. So it's up to them if they judge me like that, i don't care. 
And i also feel some jealousy here. I don't know, there are some people that really want to compete me. I'm not really into a competition, so please, if you have such jealousy, just take it. Take all that i have. I just want to live normally and peacefully. 

Now i realize that there is no safest place on earth. On this life. Everything's got crazier, and scarier. Then i realize that one thing to face it is by having a good company. Having a good life partner. The one who you need and need you. The one who you love and love you as much as you do. Again, back to that vicious cycle of what we call love. 

Now i just lay my hope in Allah SWT. For only Allah that knows what is, and who is the best for me. I don't wanna force something to happen, anymore. I'm done with it. I'm done with all my hopes and fantasies about people i love. I'm done with that timing thingy. 

I may have some sad stories behind. I may have some bad breakups. But that's my past. I don't want to live there anymore. 
I may broken now, still broken, sad, but i will get over it. 
And i believe that i will fall in love again, oneday. And i want it to be my last journey to find my life partner. Amin. 

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Gone, gone, gone

You know what? I miss you. A lot.
I miss our small talks. Every lines that made us laugh.
Every nameless moment. Every story we shared each other. Every little fight.

I miss you.

I don't know what happen to you right now. I do hope you live well, with all your choices.
So many times i want to check how your condition is, but i think you don't need that.
Because probably you will be happier with somebody else. With your wonderful ex. Or you are now, maybe?

Read it somewhere:
"There's no point in holding onto someone that has already let you go."

Yes? No?

But I love you long after you're gone.
And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

P.S. let me cry once more tonight. And you don't need to know what you've done to me.
Thankyouverymuch.

Monday, April 21, 2014

not easy

"I'm only a man in a funny red sheet
digging for kryptonite on this one way street
only a man in a funny red sheet
looking for special things inside of me.."

-Superman (it's not easy) by Five for Fighting-

itu kalo kata Superman, sih. tapi bukan cuma Superman doang yang 'merasakan' itu. walopun aku bukan Superwoman juga, but really, it's not easy to be me.

akhir-akhir ini hidup lagi gak ada yang beres. almost in every aspects of my life.
love life.... ya gitu lah. tau sendiri kan ceritanya kemaren.
work life... yang paling mengganggu karena menghantui tiap hari. gonna talk about it later.
family life... masih ada yang mengganjal juga karena banyak target yang harus dikejar. well, target itu aku sendiri sih yang buat. makanya harus cepet-cepet direalisasikan biar for their own good. tahun depan maksimal rumah jadi, yes?
dan life-life lainnya.

oke sekarang mau cerita dulu yang tentang working life.
intinya lagi demotivated. again. kerjaan banyak tapi ga jelas pembagiannya gimana. redundant sama divisi/grup lain. belum lagi masalah angka dan template yang sering banget berubah di detik-detik terakhir. boss yang entah kenapa akhir-akhir ini terlalu sensitif. perang dingin antara boss dan anak buah yang cuma 2 orang. bener-bener kurang orang tapi ga pernah dapet orang tambahan, padahal load kerja nambah mulu.

dulu gak separah ini, sih. paling nggak masih lebih baik daripada tempat aku yang dulu.
secara kerjaan lebih meaningful, secara eksposur lebih 'keliatan'. tapi juga lebih stress dan lebih gila lemburnya. oke lah aku selama ini juga nerima kan (walopun kalo udah parah banget ya suka uraing-uringan sendiri. dan ambruk tepar abis itu HAHA). cuma kalo harus tetep lembur tapi ga jelas ngerjain apaan dan belum tentu juga itu kerjaan kepake, sebel juga kan?

itulah yang terjadi. sampe-sampe aku dan teman tim ku yang sebatangkara bener-bener ga ngerti lagi harus gimana. putus komunikasi sama si boss. entah emang dia tipenya single fighter atau gimana, direction nya ga jelas. well, ga mau terlalu nyalahin boss juga sih, barangkali maksud dia gak gitu. tapi gimanapun leadership style dia kan harusnya ujungnya harus memastikan kalo reports kita bisa selesai on time. tapi dengan minimnya komunikasi gini kan mana mungkin reports nya bisa selesai tepat waktu dan bener. oke kalo dipaksa pasti bisa, cuma mau lembur sampe jam berapa? apa mau sampe ga pulang?

sebel sih sama lembur. pulang pagi cuma gara-gara review (yang kecil-kecil atau yang harus berubah di detik terakhir). padahal dari pagi biasanya slow banget ga ada kerjaan. giliran udah malem baru nongol semuanya. DANG! bikin shift malem aja sekalian, sih ya.
capeeeek banget loh pulang malem terus. pengen punya hidup yang normal. gak neko-neko kan, mintanya?

udah gitu karna ga ada 'kecocokan' sama boss, teammate ku yang satu-satunya ini sampe udah beberapa kali minta pindah divisi. nah lho, mau sama siapa aku nanti? masa sendiriaaan T.T
dia even udah mulai apply-apply (lagi) ke tempat lain.
ya emang sih, siapa yang tahan juga kerja kayak gini terus. literally ga punya kehidupan.

makanya aku juga mulai sekarang udah siap-siap nebar CV ke tempat lain. no banking industry anymore tapi HAHA. udah trauma banget kerja di bank, especially di finance head office. makanya apply nya ke FMCG aja, ke beberapa dream company aku. mudah-mudahan dalam waktu dekat bisa keterima, ya. aamiiin

tiap hari rasanya ga ada semangat buat kerja. kalo ga inget di kantor ada banyak temen yang bisa diajak ketawa, udah males berangkat aja kali rasanya. padahal dulu masih seneng banget buat lebajar, buat ngulik ini-itu. tapi sekarang semua semangat itu udah sirna. gara-gara perubahan itu lah. miris.

sempet takut juga kalo ga dapet-dapet tempat baru, padahal aku udah semakin bosen, demot, dan gak produktif di sini. kalo mau terus bertahan, ga jelas mau jadi apa. tapi kalo mau tetep nekat keluar, mau jadi apa juga? aku masih punya banyak banget tanggung jawab............

ya Allah, please tolong banget, mudahkan jalan hamba untuk keluar dari sini. aamiin YRA

kepengen secepatnya cari tempat yang worth it kalopun aku harus lembur gila-gilaan. yang bisa bikin aku jadi semangat lagi. yang bisa bikin aku wujudin cita-cita keluarga aku. bener-bener pengen bisa secepetnya.

ini masih di kantor, dan masih jam kantor. jangan tanya kenapa sempet ngeblog, karena jawabannya ya karna ga ada yang bisa dikerjain. pulang aja apa? udah 5.28 pm juga, bentar lagi jam pulang.
well, I wish!