24

Another birthday. Another epic story behind it.

I'm thankful for this moment. For this age. For the chance to stay alive. For everything i have and i don't have.
Eventhough there are still so many things that i want to accomplish, i am very very grateful of everything in me. For every ups and downs. For my good and bad.

23 to 24. So many things happened. Struggling, laughing, crying, anything.
And in this special moment i actually waiting for something. Waiting for something to happen without knowing whether it is going to happen or not. Waiting for a special thing that i've been waiting for so long. Waitig for somethig that have been my only wish. My only reason to keep me 'alive'. But i got nothing.

The timing weren't right. Again. I don't know why timing never give a good thing to me.
Until i know the truth. Until i lost him. Again.

You don't know what i feel when you didn't tell me about your thesis result. I was so confused and worried about you. Were you alright? I tried to ask our friends about you, just so i know how your condition was. You never told me.

Then that almost-midnight message answered everything.
My simple question, "do you want me to stay.. or leave?"

I was so speechless read your answer. I was speechless to know the truth. Why did we never have a chance to be this close in our campus life?
Kenapa gue ga pernah sadari perasaan lo dulu? And wasted my time instead.

Komunikasi selama 6 bulan terakhir ini bener bener bikin gue jadi ngerasa lebih 'hidup' lagi.  Lebih ceria lagi. Lebih punya harapan lagi. Apalagi dengan gesture kita yg gue juga gatau kenapa bisa langsung nyaman lagi setelah sekian tahun lost contact. You are the only person who can fits me just like that.

Sampe akhirnya gue harus nerima kenyataan kalo kita harus pisah (lagi). Shocked. Because we were so close to being in love.

Gue ngerti gimana kondisi lo. Walopun sebenernya it doesn't really matter to me. Gue juga belum settle gitu. But what can i say? If you want me to leave, i will. Apalagi permasalahan antara lo dan mantan lo itu. Gue ga bisa ngomong banyak. Apalah artinya kita deket kalo lo masih belum bisa lepasin mantan lo. Berarti gue juga ga ada artinya apa apa buat lo. Karrna lo masih lebih milih mantan lo. Gue ngerti emang ga semudah itu move on. Apalgi kalo lo sempet sayang banget sama orang itu. I know how it feels. Been there done that. I also have my past. But i don't live there anymore.

Apapun itu, i really appreciate your decision. Dan mungkin karena lo anggap kalo it'd be better for us if i leave you, fine.
Then i lost you. I lost my friend. I lost the person who can make me laugh every day with his simple lines. I lost a person who teach me how to think simple, free. I lost a partner in talking about sweet nothings. I lost a person i can care about. I lost a family, your family that i don't know why gue sayang banget. I even havent met them all yet.

I lost you for the second time. Mungkin timing ga pernah tepat buat kita. Atau buat gue lebih tepatnya. Ending nya masih belum memihak ke gue.

Tapi apa lo pernah terpikir gimana perasaan gue? Sekarang?
Dan satu hal, why did you do this to me on my BIRTHDAY? you didnt even say 'happy birthday' to me. Why...

Good luck there. Semoga kebaikan dan keselamatan selalu menyertai jalan lo. Maaf kalo selama ini gue belum bisa support lo penuh. I really want to support you to be anything you want to be. Tapi mungkin kesempatan gue cuma sampe segini.
Mungkin ada orang yang lebih membutuhkan lo daripada gue.

Good luck there, Dzulqar. Promise me you'll grow as a wonderful man. Promise me to take a good care, stay healthy. Dan kalo emang jodoh dan ketemu lagi suatu hari nanti, gue pengen gelut lagi sama lo! Gue kangen gelut sama lo dan ngobrol ga jelas sampe ketiduran.

Almost is never enough, Dzulqar.