Critical decisions

Wake up with this tought. I've made so many decisions in my life, since i was a little girl, perhaps. And i barely realize that some of those decisions are the critical ones, decisions that changed my life path. And it's very clear that if i didn't take that decisions/actions, my life won't be the same. I even won't be here. 

Here are some critical decisions that i decided in critical conditions as well (at that time), that really changed my life: 

1. My decision to finally entered the best high school in Cilacap (SMA N 1 Cilacap) and also in Immersion class (kind of international class which English spoken)

I used to have a standard dream. I mean, when i'm in my middle school age, i just want to enter an 'average' high school, because i realize that my parents don't have much money to pay my school fee. So i tought that perhaps i will just enter the vocational school (SMK) where i will able to find jobs and work right after i graduate. That was my one simple wish: i want to work as soon as possible so i can support my parents. 

But one day, there was a little voice in my head that told me to try to enter the other school, the best and most prestigious in the city. Finally i chose to take that chance, and voila! I was accepted with some scholarship, and it changed my life. 

2. My (spontaneous) decision to take the entrance test to UI

This was my second critical decision. While waiting my final exams, my friends took so many private course for preparing their university entrance test. Some wanted to enter UI, UGM, UNDIP, ITB, etc. Me? I didn't haha. Well, it doesn't mean that i didn't want to pursue my higher education, but i still couldn't decide where i will pursue it. I was in a very bad condition after my scholarship proposal to Pharmacy UGM was rejected. In my 'low' period, i lost my spirit. 

But some of friends aksed me to try UI entrance test, which i finally did in the last  registration day. Shortly, i was accepted there while my other friends weren't. Again, i was so lucky, eh? 

3. My decision to apply for Lippo Bank Scholarship

Due to my family's economic challenges, i had to find scholarship to fund my tuition fees. So when some persons from Lippo Bank held roadshow to my school and explained about this scholarship, i just wanted to try. Eventough at that time i didn't feel confident because this scholarship was given to some students all over Indonesia, which means the conpetition will be so tough. And i tought that i was just a student from a school in small city. Will i make it? 

Further more, i was the only student that applied for that scholarship (in my school, and even in my city). So i was so nerveous and just rely on Allah SWT for whatever the result is. Finally, i made it. I got this scholarship right after i was accepted to UI. What major did i take? Mathematics. Wow! 

4. My decision to change my major of study from Math to Management

Well, this was the most tough one. 

When i chose my major of study in UI, i chose the major that Lippo Bank Scholarship prefer. Some of them are Math, Statistics, Management, Economics, Law, Accounting, and Psychology. So because i was from natureal science, so i chose Math. I got in, i got the scholarship, so i was supposed to just study hard, right? 

Then i didn't know why my campus life didn't run smoothly like i want. I felt like i really hate what i was doinf there. I didn't like math, i was just not into it. (Well, i've ever wrote about it in my previous post, entitled "eco-no-math" so i won't go too detail). 

So i made this big decision in my life. I can't imagine what i will be if i didn't make this decision. Perhaps i will be dropped-out because of my GPA, or they will cut my scholarship because i can't fulfill the minimum GPA, or even i will be stressed out because of it. But yeah, i'm standing on different path now. 

I was successfully changed my major and studied Management. 

5. My decision to take the opportunity to apply for SFDP (Strategy and Finance Development Program)

Before graduating, i already had a job. Well, not literally a job, actually, because i worked as an intern in Unilever through one of their program, ULIP (Unilever Leadership Internship Program). I worked in HR Department, because i took HR Management as my concentration of study. Right after graduating, CIMB Niaga  (formerly Lippo Bank) offered me to take a test for TCB (The Complete Banker) Program, their prestigious MT program. I took some of the tests, interviews, business presentation, but eventually i failed after the last stage, interview with Director. Then they offered me with another development program, SFDP. Firstly i refused that, because i wasn't from Finance. I don't know much about finance. I don't think will make it there. But they keep confincing me and reminding me that this is a good opportunity bla bla bla. 

So finally i took that chance. Again, spontaneously decided it. Until i got accepted, i learned Finance from zero, and luckily i be The Best Participant. It was like a whoa! 

Since then, i change (again) my life path, to finally live in this Finance world, not HR world as i expected before. 

If i look at those decisions i made in the past, it's clear that almost all of them made in a very spontaneous way. I don't know why, but i'm kind of person that live something spontaneous haha. But one thing for sure is, those decisions really changed my life.

I don't know what will happen if i entered those vocational school. Maybe i will end up like my other old friends who only stay in Cilacap with 'mean' jobs and have 'mean' life. Sorry to say, but that's reality. Thank you, past me!

What will happen if i didn't take the UI entrance test? Perhaps i will end up pursuing my higher degree in nearer campus, perhaps like Unsoed, because the other favorite campuses already closed the registration. But i was in UI instead, learned in this beautiful campus, with all of its pluses and minuses, formed me to become what i am today. 

Thank you, past me!

Who will cover my tuituion fees if i didn't dare to apply for that scholarship? Perhaps i still can continue my study, but what will happen to my parents if i keep burdening them with my expensive fees? What about my two little brothers that also need money for their schools? 

The scholarship really changed my life. My family's life. Because it not only help me but also help my family. I still can save some portion of my scholarship to support my family, which means i already fulfill my dream to pursue my higher education without bothering my family, while i'm also able to support them financially. 

Thank you, past me! 

I don't know how my life will be if i stay in Math. Maybe will be a DO student, jobless, or anything. These was my darkest period on my life where i didn't even know what to do anymore if i don't change that. 

Thank you, past me! 

I will have different path now if i didn't take the chance to join SFDP. Perhaps i still in Unilever now, for i could continue my project there until finally they hire me through UFLP (well, i hope so). 

But now i am about to build my career in Finance world. A whole new world for me, but i'm sure it will bring me so many experiences with anything in it. The most important things is that i have a job now, a permanent job with a good position in a  big multinational bank, with an important job as well. 

Again, thank you, past me!

Thank you for all this spontanity, thank you for always keeping your faith, thank you for your always taking chances. 

You still have to make so many critical decisions ahead. Don't forget to always use your logic ya, and your faith. Taking chances. You'll never know 'til you've tried, in anything. Good things still come your way. 

Thank you, past and present me! 

Secondhand Serenade Live in Concert

Hore akhirnya aku sempet nonton konser Secondhand Serenade jugaaaaaa, yay! Simply happy! 

Sebenernya dia udah sering banget sih dateng ke Indonesia, cuma aku baru sempet liat sekarang. Mumpung deket juga dari kostan, hehe. Jadi pas pertama tau kalo dia mau konser langsung deh niat buat nonton. Sempet ragu juga takut disuruh lembur hari Sabtu kemaren (uuuu) tapi ternyata disuruh lemburnya baru hari Minggu (wuuuu). Tapi yaudahlah yang penting bisa nonton kan. 

Terus deh nyari-nyari temen buat nonton bareng hahahaha. Tadinya kita udah ada bertiga nih yang pengen nonton. Tapi pada akhirnya mereka gak bisa. Yang satu diajakin keluarganya ke Bali, yang satu mendadak harus check up ke dokter. Alhasil aku nonton sendiri aja. Biarin sendirian juga, yang penting happy. Kalo ga ada temen trus masa aku ga jadi? Yang ada nanti menyesal soalnya itu konsernya deket bangeeeeet.

Intinya sih based on prinsip "happiness is a choice. You gotta create your own happiness". Ya walaupun itu artinya harus ke mana-mana dan ngapa-ngapain sendiri. It's okaaaay

Waktu mau nukerin tiket, buset di antrisan itu anak-anak sekolah semua. Masih kecil-kecil gitu yang nonton aaaaa. Apa itu artinya aku yang masih childish kayak mereka, ya? Ahahahaha. Biarin. Yang penting aku bisa nonton penyanyi kesukaan aku sejak dari masa-masa kuliah dulu. Sekalian nostalgia lah, taking chances mumpung lagi deket sini. 

Harusnya gate open jam 5 sore. Tapi termyata sore itu ujan gede. Untung bawa payung. Kasian sih yang lain sampe rela ujan-ujanan basah banget kayak gitu. Loyal fans, ya. Trus gara-gara ujan jadi ngaret lah itu semua acaranya. Yang tadinya di jadwal jam 7 mulai, ini baru mulai sekitar jam 8an. Itupun baru buat band pembukanya, Rama Band. Nah kan semua pengisi acaranya lagunya typical galau galau gitu haha. 

Secondhand nya sendiri, aka si John yang kece itu baru on stage sekitar jam 9an malem. Gila cewek-cewek langsung pada berisik banget teriak-teriak. Dan berhubung aku dapet tempat di yang paling depan dan tepar di tengah, di mana itu adalah pusat keramaian, jadi aja ini kuping rasanya kayak mau pecah. Remaja tuh kalo nonton konser bisa sampe segitunya ya haha. 

Konsep konsernya kali ini akustik, John main musik sendiri pake gitar sama piano. Semakin nyesss kan, dengan lagu-lagu galau yang di-akustik-in, gerimis gerimis pula. Hampir semua lagu yang ngehits dimainin, dan ada beberapa lagu baru, yang baru mau rilis juga dinyanyiin di sini. Oh iya di situ John juga ada kolaborasi sama penyanyi cewek, Veronica Bal. Tipe-tipenya kayak Taylor Swift, yang nyanyi lagu ciptaan sendiri pake gitar. She's quite good lah. 

Yang lucu adalah, aku malah akhirnya jadi ngerasa lega gitu pas ikut teriak-teriak nyanyi bareng haha. Berhubung aku dateng sendiri, gak ada yang aku kenal dan kenal aku, jadinya bebas banget kaaaan. Cuek aja mau ngapa-ngapain. Sambil ngeliatin tingkah para remaja putri yang pada heboh sendiri hehe. 

Akhirnya sekitar jam 10 lebih selesai deh konsernya. Puass. Seneng. Walaupun pegel juga lebih dari 5 jam berdiri terus. Finally, misi buat nonton secondhand completed! Foto dan rekaman udah siap buat diliat lain waktu, hehe

Big thanks to myself, for having the guts to do anything that makes me happy :)

Secondhand Serenade Live in Concert

Hore akhirnya aku sempet nonton konser Secondhand Serenade jugaaaaaa, yay! Simply happy! 

Sebenernya dia udah sering banget sih dateng ke Indonesia, cuma aku baru sempet liat sekarang. Mumpung deket juga dari kostan, hehe. Jadi pas pertama tau kalo dia mau konser langsung deh niat buat nonton. Sempet ragu juga takut disuruh lembur hari Sabtu kemaren (uuuu) tapi ternyata disuruh lemburnya baru hari Minggu (wuuuu). Tapi yaudahlah yang penting bisa nonton kan. 

Terus deh nyari-nyari temen buat nonton bareng hahahaha. Tadinya kita udah ada bertiga nih yang pengen nonton. Tapi pada akhirnya mereka gak bisa. Yang satu diajakin keluarganya ke Bali, yang satu mendadak harus check up ke dokter. Alhasil aku nonton sendiri aja. Biarin sendirian juga, yang penting happy. Kalo ga ada temen trus masa aku ga jadi? Yang ada nanti menyesal soalnya itu konsernya deket bangeeeeet.

Intinya sih based on prinsip "happiness is a choice. You gotta create your own happiness". Ya walaupun itu artinya harus ke mana-mana dan ngapa-ngapain sendiri. It's okaaaay

Waktu mau nukerin tiket, buset di antrisan itu anak-anak sekolah semua. Masih kecil-kecil gitu yang nonton aaaaa. Apa itu artinya aku yang masih childish kayak mereka, ya? Ahahahaha. Biarin. Yang penting aku bisa nonton penyanyi kesukaan aku sejak dari masa-masa kuliah dulu. Sekalian nostalgia lah, taking chances mumpung lagi deket sini. 

Harusnya gate open jam 5 sore. Tapi termyata sore itu ujan gede. Untung bawa payung. Kasian sih yang lain sampe rela ujan-ujanan basah banget kayak gitu. Loyal fans, ya. Trus gara-gara ujan jadi ngaret lah itu semua acaranya. Yang tadinya di jadwal jam 7 mulai, ini baru mulai sekitar jam 8an. Itupun baru buat band pembukanya, Rama Band. Nah kan semua pengisi acaranya lagunya typical galau galau gitu haha. 

Secondhand nya sendiri, aka si John yang kece itu baru on stage sekitar jam 9an malem. Gila cewek-cewek langsung pada berisik banget teriak-teriak. Dan berhubung aku dapet tempat di yang paling depan dan tepar di tengah, di mana itu adalah pusat keramaian, jadi aja ini kuping rasanya kayak mau pecah. Remaja tuh kalo nonton konser bisa sampe segitunya ya haha. 

Konsep konsernya kali ini akustik, John main musik sendiri pake gitar sama piano. Semakin nyesss kan, dengan lagu-lagu galau yang di-akustik-in, gerimis gerimis pula. Hampir semua lagu yang ngehits dimainin, dan ada beberapa lagu baru, yang baru mau rilis juga dinyanyiin di sini. Oh iya di situ John juga ada kolaborasi sama penyanyi cewek, Veronica Bal. Tipe-tipenya kayak Taylor Swift, yang nyanyi lagu ciptaan sendiri pake gitar. She's quite good lah. 

Yang lucu adalah, aku malah akhirnya jadi ngerasa lega gitu pas ikut teriak-teriak nyanyi bareng haha. Berhubung aku dateng sendiri, gak ada yang aku kenal dan kenal aku, jadinya bebas banget kaaaan. Cuek aja mau ngapa-ngapain. Sambil ngeliatin tingkah para remaja putri yang pada heboh sendiri hehe. 

Akhirnya sekitar jam 10 lebih selesai deh konsernya. Puass. Seneng. Walaupun pegel juga lebih dari 5 jam berdiri terus. Finally, misi buat nonton secondhand completed! Foto dan rekaman udah siap buat diliat lain waktu, hehe

Big thanks to myself, for having the guts to do anything that makes me happy :)

Good news!

Hello there, 

I have a good news for you. Yeay, finally! 

Sooo yesterday my big boss held a coordination meeting with all SFDPans, talked about our visions for the next career path. He asked us how our feelings are with current jobs, and whether we want to move and learn to other parts whithin Finance. When he asked, none of us dare to speak. Then, perhaps because i'm the type of person who always want to speak my mind up (and too straight forward, sometimes haha), i decided to raise my hand. I told them that i already tired with the work rhytm in my current job. I said, before it's too late and my health (and my life) is getting worsen, i want to move to Management Account department and learn something new there. 

Well, my big bosses seemed understand my feeling. They were not shocked at all. Their faces when i told them so were just.. Kind of "okay, we already know". So finally my big boss said that okay, we will consider your choice. And then my other friends began to speak. 

Actually, why was i choose to move to management account? Well, because firstly i know that these place is more 'calm' than my current place. Still in the same Group, but different Division. I hope i will have more normal and healthy life there. Besides, management account division is a place where we 'cultivate' the business result. This is the place that know how the business is going, the place that first know the bank's profitability, and to make some critical adjustment when needed. So this place is kind of the 'kitchen' of the bank, where all recipes of bank's success are all kept. 

So i think (and i hope) i can learn much more there. 

Honestly i am so sad to leave my current job, because it has so high exposure to management, directly. It also has so many important things to learn, but i feel i can't stand any longer there. Like you see, i have these value changes that makes me think twice or even more, to decide if i still want to stay on that place. 

Well, i hope this is the best decision. For my career, for my life. Hopefully this is the answer of all my prayers before, for me to have a more 'normal' working hours so i still have much time for myself, my family, and my partner (maybe oneday). And i still have more time to learn anything else. I can continue my online courses, i can continue learn TOEFL and GMAT again, and search for some scholarships and campus informations. I really hope my life will get better, soon. 

Thanks for all, dear Allah.. 

Alone-thingy

All by myself....

Don't wanna be all by myself.... 

Why i have to be 'all by myself?'

Or why not? 

Read it somewhere, that if you can't be happy with your own self, then you'll never be happy to be with someone else. It means that we have to be comfortable with ourselves first, before we have some relationship with other people. Well, couldn't agree more. 

I like being alone. I like drinking coffee alone, reading alone. I like riding bus alone, and walking home alone. 

It gives me time to think, and set my mind free. 

I like to eat alone, and listening to music alone. 

But when i see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with his or her friend, i realize that eventhough i like being alone, i don't fancy being lonely. 

Perhaps that's why we always need other people to be with us. To complete us. 

Me? No need to ask that such question to me, because the answer is absolutely YES! haha. I really do. 

I even wonder why is it so hard for me to find that 'click' partner? Well, if i put aside of my move on process, actually i always try to find a new one. But i don't know, it seems hard. Maybe because move on itself, is the hardest thing to do. For me, especially. 

The overall things that happened in the past really damages me. Until now i even unable to trust people again. It's getting harder to trust or to let other people into my life. Even you can say that i keep away from that relationship thingy, although i realize that i need that, actually. 

I don't put aside my need in being involved with other people, of course, but for now it's kinda hard to begin again. Sometimes i still feel that i can't do that (looking for another opportunities out there) because i still have this 'connection' with these person (in my past). I don't know why. I even some times decline my friends' invitation to just hanging out with them, because i want to keep my heart and my mind just for him. If it happens when i still have this 'relationship', that's okay, normal. But when everything's already ended, shouldn't i have to start to think about my self? It's ok for me to go out with anyone i want, right? But i can't do that. My own self refuses to do that. But why?? 

I know that he already moved on, perhaps he already finds his new special one. Why is it so hard to me to restart again? 

I don't wanna live in my past, i know, but i don't know how to get rid of it. What am i suppossed to do to change all this? 

I may go or hang out with every guy i want, but i realize that i can't do that just for the sake of my 'move on attempts' to be successful. Furthermore i don't wanna trapped in the same hole. 

If oneday i finally find a guy that i like, or that likes me, i can go out with him, right? 

I don't need to feel guilty about that, do i?

It doesn't have to upset me.

The past is the past. What is lost is lost. 

Please, brain, use your logic!