The forgotten one

Akhir-akhir ini lagi ngerasa sedih. I feel so forgotten. Terlupakan. Terlewatkan. (Ish bahasanyaaa err) 

Intinya semacam 'terlupakan' sama orang-orang terdekat. Well, orang-orang yang dulunya dekat. 

So i have two best friends. Satu deket sejak SMP, satu lagi deket sejak SMA. Di SMA kita bareng dan almost sekelas terus. Pas kuliah juga, walaupun jauh-jauhan kita tetep keep contact, even kita bikin blog sendiri biar gampang kalo mau cerita panjang lebar tentang apapun. Itu bertahan lumayan lama, sampe ada belasan atau puluhan post. 

Sejak lulus dan udah mulai sibuk sama kerja dan coass (they both are doctor), kita jadi semakin jarang komunikasi. Buat ngeblog juga ga sempet lagi. Dan masing-masing dari kita juga akhirnya punya temen deket/sahabat lain dari lingkungan baru. I have mine, too. 

Jadi praktis kita ketemunya, ngumpulnya cuma kalo lagi libur panjang doang, kalo lagi sama-sama pulang ke Cilacap. Tapi tiap di rumah pasti kita usahain banget buat ketemu, walaupun cuma bentar. 

Dan di antara kami bertiga, aku yang paling jarang pulang. Karena jaraknya yg paling jauh kan, Jakarta-Cilacap. Udah gitu jarang banget bisa cuti panjang. Sedangkan mereka lebih sering bisa pulang, karna Semarang-Cilacap dan Jogja-Cilacap, masih bisa bolak-balik di hari yang sama kalau gak gempor. Jadilah aku paling jarang bisa ngumpul. 

Makin ke sini makin susah. Jadi makin renggang. Sampe puncaknya mereka sekarang lagi sering ngumpul sama temen lain. Dan ada satu orang, temen kami juga, yg keliatannya udah 'menggantikan' posisi aku. Yg dulunya kami ke mana-mana bertiga, sampai menyebut kami dengan "bertiga seru", sekarang mereka juga bertiga, tapi aku ga ada di situ. Di situ saya merasa sedih :( 

Apalagi kalau liat postingan mereka di path tentang jalan-jalan mereka bertiga. Liat DP BBM mereka yang bertiga. Rasanya sedih, pengen kayak gitu juga sama mereka. 

Sometimes i blame the distance between us. Sometimes i blame myself for not being there. Til finally i've been forgotten. But what could i say? :( 

Salah satu dari kami mau nikah Agustus nanti. I said i will come when she let me know about her wedding plan. Eh taunya kemaren dia bbm lagi, nanyain bisa dateng apa nggak pas wedding dia, soalnya dia mau kasih seragam. 

That makes me sad because she probably thinks that i won't come :( 

Kenapa pake harus tanya coba? Pasti lah aku bakalan dateng, aku usahain banget supaya bisa dateng. You're like.. One of my best friends, since years ago. And i know all your journey to find your last love. I don't have a heart to not going to your wedding. Apalagi itu weekend, kemungkinan besar bisa dateng lah. 

Mungkin kalo aku sakit berat aja baru ga bisa dateng. Or i'm dead. Perhaps eventho i'm dead, my spirit will attend your wedding. Singkatnya begitu lah. 

Hhhh. Mungkin dia nanya kayak gitu cuma memastikan aja kali, aku bisa dateng apa gak. Daripada udah dikasih seragam tapi akhirnya gak dateng, kan sayang seragamnya. But it also makes me sad. Truly sad. Aku masih mending dia bilang kalo maksa aku buat dateng, gimanapun caranya harus dateng, because she wants me to be there. I'll really really appreciate it. And surely will put it on my highest importance list (which i've already done it). 

Bukan karena sayang seragamnya :( 

Mungkin ini cuma perasaan aku aja. Maybe it's just me who overthink everything. Tapi, setelah kejadian-kejadian yang bikin aku ngerasa forgotten? Udah pasti makin bikin aku ngerasa forgotten kan? 

P.S. Beberapa waktu lalu dia ke jakarta, even ga ngabarin aku. Kalo aku tau dan bisa, kan kita bisa meet up dulu. Tau-tau dia udah check in di bandara dan mau balik. Biasanya aku langsung komen dengan nada yang agak manja-manja becanda gitu, kenapa ga bilang kalo ke jakarta. Tapi kali ini biarin lah. Kalo dia emang niat buat ngabarin, or at least remember that i'm still here, she probably  had notified me.  

Long week(end)-day

Jadi ceritanya Jumat-Sabtu-Minggu ini libur, dalam rangka Paskah. Long weekend kan ya? Harusnya bisa santai-santai atau jalan-jalan kan ya? Well, di timeline path sih isinya emang jalan-jalan semua. Orang lain tapi, bukan aku. 

Meanwhile, aku malah masuk lembur mulu di long weekend itu. Tau lah ya, masih awal bulan, apapun yang terjadi tetep harus masuk dan bekerja dengan sepenuh hati. 

Capek banget gila, bayangin, artinya kan sama aja kayak dua minggu 14 hari kerja nonstop. Dari pagi sampe malem pula. Sempet surprised sendiri sih ternyata aku bisa -ehem- sekuat ini. Dari dulu. Apakah saya ada keturunan superhero? Superwoman? Huahaha

Sampai temen ada yang nanya "gila lo lembur mulu, kapan waktu buat me time nya?"

Abis ditanya kayak gitu, anehnya bukannya sedih atau bingung, malah ngerasa kalo aku udah cukup punya waktu buat me time kok. 

My me time = reading good books. 

Kadang karaokean, kadang nonton, kadang ngapa-ngapain sendiri di manaa gitu. (Anaknya kelewat independen, kalo orang bilang). Even nyuci baju plus nyetrika juga bisa dibilang me time kok hahaha. Me time kan gak harus ngelakuin hal-hal yang ngeluarin duit kan ya? Gak harus diisi dengan memanjakan diri di salon, spa, meni-pedi, dan lain sebagainya. Dan untungnya aku bukan tipe perempuan yang suka nyalon jadi jaraaang banget nyalon hahahaha. Kalo bisa dilakuin sendiri, ngapain ke salon kan? Wkwk. 

So kembali lagi ke 'me time' yang kata orang mulai terenggut. 

Di sela-sela lembur atau ngantor hari biasa sekalipun, aku masih bisa sempat-sempatin buat baca. Kadang bawa buku, kadang baca ebook di hp. Almost everyday i read books. Jadi kalo itu bisa dianggap me time, aku justru hampir tiap hari or even tiap saat bisa punya me time, kan? ;) 

Soalnya kadang kalo abis kerja gitu suka capek sih fisik sama pikirannya, bisa tumbang kalo langsung dipaksa pergi haha. Jadi mending istirahat sambil baca buku hihi. 

Trus kemaren juga sempet me time banget dengan belanja. Muterin seantero mall, sendirian. Haha. Sebenernya dulu paling males kalo harus belanja/ke mall sendirian. Kayak orang ilang. Tapi akhir-akhir ini udah terbiasa, berhubung partner belanja dan muter-muter yg biasanya selalu siap sedia sekarang kerjaannya pacaran mulu. Akunya terlupakan :(

Tapi yaudahlah, my life must go on kan. Jadi sekarang kemana-mana sendirian pun oke lah. Jadilah kemaren sempet belanja sendiri, kalap sendiri haha. Puasss banget karena tau apa yg diusahakan dengan keras sampe lembur-lembur akhirnya bisa dinikmati. Alhamdulillah. 

Seneng nih kalo lagi bisa positive thinking dan berpikir jernih kayak gini, jadinya ga perlu ngeluh-ngeluh sendiri tiap kali lembur. Paling ngerasa capek bangetnya pas baru pulang lembur malem-malem. Di situ kadang mikir, do I have to do this? Do I have to work this hard? Do I deserve this? Do i push myself too hard? Kadang kalo pas lagi capek banget, baru deh ngerasa kasian ke diri sendiri, yang sampe segitunya banget kerja nyari duit. Sementara yang lain, kerja gak segininya amat malah duitnya lebih banyak dapetnya. Ups. Haha. 

Tapi yaah, begitulah keadaannya. Sekarang ga perlu cemburu kalo liat orang ngepost foto liburan dengan pemandangan alam yang luar biasa indah. Bersyukur aja kalo kamu udah bisa liat pemandangan indah itu lewat postingan orang lain haha. Nanti juga akan ada saatnya buat liburan. Jangan sedih! 

So, whatever comes to my life, I should accept and live contented with it, no? 

And i'm not afraid to live my life with my own standard. 

March 14

So. Yesterday i saw a video about 20 (or 25) things women should do before they settle down. One of them is "keep journals". So by means of journals, i assume it's in daily basis (?) 

Then i remember that i have kind of journal, THIS journal, that i barely write in it again lately. Am sorry. 

But the point is, yes i will try to write again everyday -or anytime i feel like writing anything. Plus, it's the only place i have to share all about me and my daily life and my thoughts and so on, right? 

So i'll be back with so many new updates of my not-so-important life. 

Sometimes the only thing you need after a long and tough day at work is just a good companion, a great person to talk to, to share all of your stories that day. If you have that kind of person/companion, great. But if you don't, just like me, so writing a life journal will be so much help. It's kind of self-help, actually. 

So, i'll write everything later. Cheers! 

It's their loss, not mine.

Hello again!

It feels like i've forgeted this blog haha. Miss me? 😜

Actually i have so many things to share, the bitter sweet of my not-so-wonderful-and-interesting life haha. Like always, nothing to compare with famous people out there, but yeah, it's just a story of my life, of how i live everyday, and the surprises along the way. 

So many things happened after I wrote the last note here. You know, it's mostly about my career-story (not so called like a pro, though. I still build my career jungle anyway), my 'busy-ness' that take almost all my time (hiks) and some other stories about my attempt to find, you know, The One. 

And since my career and busy-ness don't really matter for now on -err, or maybe i don't wanna talk about it yet-, sooo perhaps i'll share some pieces of my latest story with that guys. Yes, men. 

So after i ended my 'relationship' with the  guy on my last post, you know, the campus-crush-that-we-correlated-again-after-i-graduated, i was lost for couple months. I think that's normal. One doesn't simply forget all the things we've done and shared for almost a year, intensely. Once more, intensely. At that time i was so angry with him, but relieved as well, because finally i could figure out what was happening betwwn me and him (or at least, what his view of this kind of relationship was) so i didn't have to wait for him 'forever'. Eventhough it was so embarrasing that he cut everything off after all this time, and sometime i cursed myself for being too clumsy and melancholic and pathetic and so on that i was so easily fell on his side. 

But then i realized that feeling cannot be forced. Cliche, i know, but that was the only things popped in my mind. Then i could appreciate his decision and the fact that he kind of 'dumped' me. 

Until oneday i found that he dated a girl in campus, while before that he said that he just wanted to focus on his thesis defense and career and that bulls*its. Well, it was very shocking news for me, as i believed all he said beforehand. What a jerk! 

Then i realized, that perhaps he said that to me just to calm me down, you know, some sort of make up stories men do to end any relationship. And yeah, i was his victim. 

Nothing i could do. Furthermore i've moved on and i don't care about him, anymore. It's his choice to rather choose that girl but me. At certain point it made me sad, that i wasn't the one he chose. That i ain't better that that girl. Like i... Have nothing to compare or to make him stay with me. I then started to question about my ownself. I tried to understand his condition but at the end i blamed myself for all that happened. What's wrong with me, God? 

When i was on my move on process, i met with my math-crush. The man i liked when i was in math. I liked him because he's so different with other guy, like he's very quiet and calm and 'straight'. And he's also so damn cute and handsome, like, very handsome that almost all woman fall for him. (Well, it's exaggerating haha)

Short story, after years separated with no communication at all, we finally meet again (with some other friends, ofcourse).  And funny story, eventhough we merely know each other and never chat with him at all, we had a very good time that night. We shared our stories, and he was so talkative, surprisingly, asked me about anything. It was so surprising. And he also rode me back to my office after that. So happy til i could feel the joy in my fingers, literally! 

And then we began to communicate again after years, that made me don't want to lose him again. One day i told him that i liked him since in university, and i wanted to know whether he has the same intention. I said if he has the same intention, why wouldn't we start to be friend again, to know each other better. Who knows it will turn out that we're match for each other, right? 

Pardon my manner, but i thought it was the best step i could take, because i don't wanna wait for something 'unclear' for along time. So finally i had this gut to tell him about this huge thing. 

He said that he also felt the same way, like the feeling he didn't what it was, that he agreed to start all over again. Relieved. 

We began to chat, share, check one another's conditions, and so on. But that only lasted for days. It seemed like he never give same effort as me in this process of 'knowing each other phase'. He rarely text me first, or text me back immediately. Never. 

I still thought that.. It's his style, which makes him looks so cool as a man (pffft). Then i finally realized that he's not that into me. So i cut it out, again. 

What's the point of trying to know someone, caring, and understanding, while he never appreciates it? It's wasting time, energy, and useless. He seems to just bluffing when said he has the same intention bla bla bla. And you know what? Maybe he's now dating with other girl as he posted in his Path account. 

Honestly, i was so sand and angry knowing this, but who the hell am i? I have no right to be mad at him, i know. And i really try hard to not mad at him, to understand him, that he's just not that into me. Or never, worse case. 

I ask again, what's wring with me, God? That no one chose me and considered me as their 'valuable person' in their lives? 

I know that i can't just blame anything to myself or others. I just have to understand more. And to accept and try to live with it. 

They never know how much i love them at that time. How much i care about them that sometimes i forget to care about my own self. They never know that i always try to give my 'love' just for them, and never let anyone else in into my heart because i already 'have' them. They never know that i would follow them anywhere they are. They never know that i always pray for their success everyday. They never know. 

And i also nevwr know why they did that thing to me. Or perhaps i don't really wanna know, or it's not necessarily to know. 

One thing i know, it's their loss. Not mine. 

Because what's a man without integrity anyway? What kind of man who never keep their promises? I don't need that man. It's not my loss. 

Critical decisions

Wake up with this tought. I've made so many decisions in my life, since i was a little girl, perhaps. And i barely realize that some of those decisions are the critical ones, decisions that changed my life path. And it's very clear that if i didn't take that decisions/actions, my life won't be the same. I even won't be here. 

Here are some critical decisions that i decided in critical conditions as well (at that time), that really changed my life: 

1. My decision to finally entered the best high school in Cilacap (SMA N 1 Cilacap) and also in Immersion class (kind of international class which English spoken)

I used to have a standard dream. I mean, when i'm in my middle school age, i just want to enter an 'average' high school, because i realize that my parents don't have much money to pay my school fee. So i tought that perhaps i will just enter the vocational school (SMK) where i will able to find jobs and work right after i graduate. That was my one simple wish: i want to work as soon as possible so i can support my parents. 

But one day, there was a little voice in my head that told me to try to enter the other school, the best and most prestigious in the city. Finally i chose to take that chance, and voila! I was accepted with some scholarship, and it changed my life. 

2. My (spontaneous) decision to take the entrance test to UI

This was my second critical decision. While waiting my final exams, my friends took so many private course for preparing their university entrance test. Some wanted to enter UI, UGM, UNDIP, ITB, etc. Me? I didn't haha. Well, it doesn't mean that i didn't want to pursue my higher education, but i still couldn't decide where i will pursue it. I was in a very bad condition after my scholarship proposal to Pharmacy UGM was rejected. In my 'low' period, i lost my spirit. 

But some of friends aksed me to try UI entrance test, which i finally did in the last  registration day. Shortly, i was accepted there while my other friends weren't. Again, i was so lucky, eh? 

3. My decision to apply for Lippo Bank Scholarship

Due to my family's economic challenges, i had to find scholarship to fund my tuition fees. So when some persons from Lippo Bank held roadshow to my school and explained about this scholarship, i just wanted to try. Eventough at that time i didn't feel confident because this scholarship was given to some students all over Indonesia, which means the conpetition will be so tough. And i tought that i was just a student from a school in small city. Will i make it? 

Further more, i was the only student that applied for that scholarship (in my school, and even in my city). So i was so nerveous and just rely on Allah SWT for whatever the result is. Finally, i made it. I got this scholarship right after i was accepted to UI. What major did i take? Mathematics. Wow! 

4. My decision to change my major of study from Math to Management

Well, this was the most tough one. 

When i chose my major of study in UI, i chose the major that Lippo Bank Scholarship prefer. Some of them are Math, Statistics, Management, Economics, Law, Accounting, and Psychology. So because i was from natureal science, so i chose Math. I got in, i got the scholarship, so i was supposed to just study hard, right? 

Then i didn't know why my campus life didn't run smoothly like i want. I felt like i really hate what i was doinf there. I didn't like math, i was just not into it. (Well, i've ever wrote about it in my previous post, entitled "eco-no-math" so i won't go too detail). 

So i made this big decision in my life. I can't imagine what i will be if i didn't make this decision. Perhaps i will be dropped-out because of my GPA, or they will cut my scholarship because i can't fulfill the minimum GPA, or even i will be stressed out because of it. But yeah, i'm standing on different path now. 

I was successfully changed my major and studied Management. 

5. My decision to take the opportunity to apply for SFDP (Strategy and Finance Development Program)

Before graduating, i already had a job. Well, not literally a job, actually, because i worked as an intern in Unilever through one of their program, ULIP (Unilever Leadership Internship Program). I worked in HR Department, because i took HR Management as my concentration of study. Right after graduating, CIMB Niaga  (formerly Lippo Bank) offered me to take a test for TCB (The Complete Banker) Program, their prestigious MT program. I took some of the tests, interviews, business presentation, but eventually i failed after the last stage, interview with Director. Then they offered me with another development program, SFDP. Firstly i refused that, because i wasn't from Finance. I don't know much about finance. I don't think will make it there. But they keep confincing me and reminding me that this is a good opportunity bla bla bla. 

So finally i took that chance. Again, spontaneously decided it. Until i got accepted, i learned Finance from zero, and luckily i be The Best Participant. It was like a whoa! 

Since then, i change (again) my life path, to finally live in this Finance world, not HR world as i expected before. 

If i look at those decisions i made in the past, it's clear that almost all of them made in a very spontaneous way. I don't know why, but i'm kind of person that live something spontaneous haha. But one thing for sure is, those decisions really changed my life.

I don't know what will happen if i entered those vocational school. Maybe i will end up like my other old friends who only stay in Cilacap with 'mean' jobs and have 'mean' life. Sorry to say, but that's reality. Thank you, past me!

What will happen if i didn't take the UI entrance test? Perhaps i will end up pursuing my higher degree in nearer campus, perhaps like Unsoed, because the other favorite campuses already closed the registration. But i was in UI instead, learned in this beautiful campus, with all of its pluses and minuses, formed me to become what i am today. 

Thank you, past me!

Who will cover my tuituion fees if i didn't dare to apply for that scholarship? Perhaps i still can continue my study, but what will happen to my parents if i keep burdening them with my expensive fees? What about my two little brothers that also need money for their schools? 

The scholarship really changed my life. My family's life. Because it not only help me but also help my family. I still can save some portion of my scholarship to support my family, which means i already fulfill my dream to pursue my higher education without bothering my family, while i'm also able to support them financially. 

Thank you, past me! 

I don't know how my life will be if i stay in Math. Maybe will be a DO student, jobless, or anything. These was my darkest period on my life where i didn't even know what to do anymore if i don't change that. 

Thank you, past me! 

I will have different path now if i didn't take the chance to join SFDP. Perhaps i still in Unilever now, for i could continue my project there until finally they hire me through UFLP (well, i hope so). 

But now i am about to build my career in Finance world. A whole new world for me, but i'm sure it will bring me so many experiences with anything in it. The most important things is that i have a job now, a permanent job with a good position in a  big multinational bank, with an important job as well. 

Again, thank you, past me!

Thank you for all this spontanity, thank you for always keeping your faith, thank you for your always taking chances. 

You still have to make so many critical decisions ahead. Don't forget to always use your logic ya, and your faith. Taking chances. You'll never know 'til you've tried, in anything. Good things still come your way. 

Thank you, past and present me!