messed up

well, my life is totally messed up right now. I really don't know what to do, what I feel. I just wanna disappear from this crowded world. yeah, I've ever talked about it. at that time I just.. thought that by just disappearing, I can leave these problems, and this complicated life as well. but then, I realize that it was wrong. that was the worst thing ever crossed in my mind. I am 21 now, I'm mature enough to face this kind of condition, that I should be strong to cope with this. perhaps, yeah, I just need more time to adapt, to redefine, and to rearrange my messed-life.

one lesson learned from my life now is, that I should be more independent from now on. I know maybe I used to be so dependent to other people, that I gave everything I have to them (and of course wanted them to do the same to me), but the fact just doesn't work that way. Maybe it's time for me to walk this world alone, at least until I can find something new that can enlight my life. but you know, it's sometimes so hard to start something new when everything we have had before disappear. but yet, we gotta move on. walk on. and the fact that "nothing last forever" in this world, I should have known and realized it before. poor me.

Now I don't give a damn to what other people think about me. this is me, with so many pluses and minuses that I have. I don't wanna pretend to be someone perfect, I never try to just mimicking other people to be perfect woman. I'm just me, and I can't be changed to be like another people, though it's not easy to be me.
well, actually this words are just dedicated to my own self, to this fragile heart, that always easily get down when everything doesn't run as what I expected before. yeah, I still have to learn more and more about this life, so I could stay alive and survive.

now that I have so messed life, I just need more time to rearrange my life. I need some fresh air and new environment.  I need to know more new things, new people, new part of this world, so I won't just stuck in this plain area.

for so many time we had together, I wanna say thank you for everything you've given to me. and sorry for all mistakes that I've done. so many things I learned from you, although in the end I just  disappointed you. I am so sorry. but if all of my mistakes were hurting you so much that you'll never forgive me, okay I understand. yeah, there will be some punishment applied to the one who make a mistake. a huge mistake. Karma does exists.