dearest God

dearest God,
here I come with so many questions across my mind. I don't know how to face this kind of condition, how to re-arrange my messy life. I don't know what I should do. I don't have any idea. and may be asking directly to You is the best way for me, for this weak and fragile creature.

God, in this recent days I've faced so many things. You gave me so many things, the sweet and also the bitter one. although I still don't know what is your goal to give this such things, but I'm sure that You will always give the best for me, even though these all so hard for me. But I keep trying to be tough in facing these all condition. I'm trying to keep myself strong. I work so hard to be able to stand on my own strength. but somehow, I need You to just help me, to give some clues about how to make this things easier. how to make my life worthier than ever. how to make my life.. better.

I realize that maybe I have so many differences with my friends. but I also understand that in creating your creatures You always make them different each other so they can be complete. The differences I mean here is, why are the other people simply so easy to get what they wants? But why is it so hard for me to get what I really want? or even for something that I really need? NEED. I NEED THAT, but why is it so hard for me?

God, I need that things to make my life worthier. I need that things so I can do so many other things better. I keep on searching for my opportunities, I made my chances, but what I got was only CANCELLATION, REJECTION, etc etc. I do not blame You for this, but I just beg You to give me my opportunities. I beg You, God.

so many things happen to me. so many chances I tried to create, but still, no result. You gave me strength, You gave me easiness to write that paper. You permitted me to feel the happiness for my elected paper. But You didn't give me CHANCE to go there. You made it so difficult to me to set everything right. Til I lost that opportunity. opportunity to show the world that I CAN. To show that there is an Indonesian student that is able to participate in world economic discussion. To show that I... can do that.
well, it is wrong if I blame everything on You. I should think it positively, that maybe You didn't give me that chance because You thought that it was not good for me. for the very first time, yes, I could receive that fact. But somehow I think that, it is not fair to me.

why the other people, let say my friend, who was simply easy to go abroad, to just attending one day conference, which they just had to sit down, and with no special requirements before. or my friends that join a summer school program, which was that easy to go there. or so many other case.
am I jealous? Yes, of course. I'm jealous. I'm envy. envy with their simple and easy way to get there, to get so many new experiences for outside world. but how about me? I'm still buried here.
I'm envy because I think I've tried and work hard enough for it. but still, where is my chance?

Okay this is just my simple and cliche problem, that I'm -perhaps- obsessed to go abroad. but now I'm saying that I'm not just obsessed to see the outside world, but I'm also obsessed to participate in the world's economic stuff. really.

Then the second, about the scholarships. Well, I admit that I'm still trying to get the other scholarship to continue my study in master degree. though I know that I'm supposed to join the overall CNS' post graduate program, TCB and the other things, but deep in my heart I want to take my master first. or maybe later, after I work for about 2 or 3 years. this is still in my long term plan, but I think I should think and plan about it carefully. And so I try to find any information regarding my future campus, regarding my dream university. Harvard University. will I be there someday? I'll show You.

So, please God, for this one important part in my life, give me my chance.

The third, is about achievements. I realized that I'm not the type of high-achiever, or someone with strong adrenaline regarding competition or other. sometimes I do it because I like it. For example, I love to write an essay, paper, review, article, or other writings. and sometimes I take part in the writing competition, of course with some wishes that I could win and got some achievements. but, I got nothing.
I try and try, to train myself, to develop my writing skill. yet, I'm still waiting for those chance.

Actually, there are still so many things that I want to beg to You for chance, God. But I have to always thank to You for all those things You gave to me. I'm supposed to think positively to You, for everything You do on me. maybe it's just me that always feel incomplete with my own life. Maybe I'm just.. to greedy, to have everything that I want. but this is not the case, God. I really NEED it. Please, give me my chances. I beg You.