24

Another birthday. Another epic story behind it.

I'm thankful for this moment. For this age. For the chance to stay alive. For everything i have and i don't have.
Eventhough there are still so many things that i want to accomplish, i am very very grateful of everything in me. For every ups and downs. For my good and bad.

23 to 24. So many things happened. Struggling, laughing, crying, anything.
And in this special moment i actually waiting for something. Waiting for something to happen without knowing whether it is going to happen or not. Waiting for a special thing that i've been waiting for so long. Waitig for somethig that have been my only wish. My only reason to keep me 'alive'. But i got nothing.

The timing weren't right. Again. I don't know why timing never give a good thing to me.
Until i know the truth. Until i lost him. Again.

You don't know what i feel when you didn't tell me about your thesis result. I was so confused and worried about you. Were you alright? I tried to ask our friends about you, just so i know how your condition was. You never told me.

Then that almost-midnight message answered everything.
My simple question, "do you want me to stay.. or leave?"

I was so speechless read your answer. I was speechless to know the truth. Why did we never have a chance to be this close in our campus life?
Kenapa gue ga pernah sadari perasaan lo dulu? And wasted my time instead.

Komunikasi selama 6 bulan terakhir ini bener bener bikin gue jadi ngerasa lebih 'hidup' lagi.  Lebih ceria lagi. Lebih punya harapan lagi. Apalagi dengan gesture kita yg gue juga gatau kenapa bisa langsung nyaman lagi setelah sekian tahun lost contact. You are the only person who can fits me just like that.

Sampe akhirnya gue harus nerima kenyataan kalo kita harus pisah (lagi). Shocked. Because we were so close to being in love.

Gue ngerti gimana kondisi lo. Walopun sebenernya it doesn't really matter to me. Gue juga belum settle gitu. But what can i say? If you want me to leave, i will. Apalagi permasalahan antara lo dan mantan lo itu. Gue ga bisa ngomong banyak. Apalah artinya kita deket kalo lo masih belum bisa lepasin mantan lo. Berarti gue juga ga ada artinya apa apa buat lo. Karrna lo masih lebih milih mantan lo. Gue ngerti emang ga semudah itu move on. Apalgi kalo lo sempet sayang banget sama orang itu. I know how it feels. Been there done that. I also have my past. But i don't live there anymore.

Apapun itu, i really appreciate your decision. Dan mungkin karena lo anggap kalo it'd be better for us if i leave you, fine.
Then i lost you. I lost my friend. I lost the person who can make me laugh every day with his simple lines. I lost a person who teach me how to think simple, free. I lost a partner in talking about sweet nothings. I lost a person i can care about. I lost a family, your family that i don't know why gue sayang banget. I even havent met them all yet.

I lost you for the second time. Mungkin timing ga pernah tepat buat kita. Atau buat gue lebih tepatnya. Ending nya masih belum memihak ke gue.

Tapi apa lo pernah terpikir gimana perasaan gue? Sekarang?
Dan satu hal, why did you do this to me on my BIRTHDAY? you didnt even say 'happy birthday' to me. Why...

Good luck there. Semoga kebaikan dan keselamatan selalu menyertai jalan lo. Maaf kalo selama ini gue belum bisa support lo penuh. I really want to support you to be anything you want to be. Tapi mungkin kesempatan gue cuma sampe segini.
Mungkin ada orang yang lebih membutuhkan lo daripada gue.

Good luck there, Dzulqar. Promise me you'll grow as a wonderful man. Promise me to take a good care, stay healthy. Dan kalo emang jodoh dan ketemu lagi suatu hari nanti, gue pengen gelut lagi sama lo! Gue kangen gelut sama lo dan ngobrol ga jelas sampe ketiduran.

Almost is never enough, Dzulqar.

Life lessons

Today is holiday, due to legislative election day. I should back home, but you know that my 'life' and job won't let me go. I'm kinda sad because of it. My mother is hospitalized now but i can do nothing about it. You know, it's such a psychological torture when you know that your parents or relatives get sick but you can't do anything.

In lonely moment like this, sometimes i just want recall and remember all the things -the goods and bads- my family's been through. I realize that our tough lives give me so much experiences and lessons, and teach me how to stay strong no matter what the conditions are. And i get those valuable lessons from my parents. They show me how to live this life, how to face all the problems eventhough when we have no idea abouy what to do with the life itself. Firstly they never tell me to do this and that when i this and that, they just simply act on it and show some examples. In real life. That makes me even respect them because i witness every thing they do to keep our lives go on.

Well, lets we recall it one by one.

I remember when the first time we moved to Cilacap after leaving Wonosobo because of some reasons. I was 6, and still have one little brother of 2 y.o. we rented a room with just a few things we had. Just a couple of plate, glass, spoons, frying pan, and a stove. And of course some clothes. I remembered when my father said to me, a little girl, that we have to start to live modestly. We didn't have anyting, yet. I just nodded to him without knowing what that really meant.

My father worked at PT Semen Nusantara as a contract staff, did extremely dangerous job, that every time he back home i could see his sweat and wrinkled muscle. After a year passed, we finally could buy a bicycle, not a new but second-hand one. We were so excited that we don't have to walk to go to anywhere. My little self always remember how it feels.

Then my father got an offer to work in one of the public school in Cilacap as the 'school guard' because my grandmother (my father's mom) worked there as a teacher, so she offered that job. so for the next one and half year my family lived in a house inside that school. Did some works like guarding the school, cleaning the building, arranging the plants, and even my mother made some snacks to be sold. I was so excited to live around my own school, i had full access to the library that i could read whatever i want and as much as i want. I was so happy :)

Until one day we had a bad news about the missing water pump. We couldn't do anything about it as we didn't realize that it has gone. Then my father had to look for another job. And we forced to move to other place.

Again, my father only could rent a room. A single bedroon. With me and my brother getting older and bigger. Yet i could see his smile and spirit to face whatever live had prepared for us. My father tried to open his own business (or a little company in form of CV). it went well at the first time, so we could rent a house. A whole house, finally. And started to have old motorcycle, refigerator, sofa, TV, and so on. Our lives got better and better. I was in middle school. Then my second little brother born.

But after two years my father run that company, his business got bankcrupt. We had to sell some of our assets to try to build another business. Then my father tried to be a small retailer. He sold everyhting, like snacks, candies, cigarrette, detergent, anything. He bought from his agent friend and sold that all to the other retailer in sub-urbs by riding his old motorcycle. In rain, in sunny, in windy condition. My father never seemed tired of it. I know that he loves his job. He loves his business eventhough it won't make much money for our family. But luckily we always feel enough.

He still do that business until now, actually. But because economic condition's getting worsen lately, the business don't make any profit. My father tried to do another job. he even worked as "a house maker" , a rough and tiring job that i know that must be so tough for an old man like him. But he did it anyway.
My mother also helped by making some snacks to sell. I couldn't help them much. I just promised to myself that i have to be successful person so i can help them and support them for their entire lives.

Until finally i made to go to collage with full scholarship. I could give a little part of my 'scholarship living cost' to support my family. Luckily it went well for about 4 years.

I remember about how we have our first private house. WE MADE THE HOUSE WITH OUR OWN HANDS. literally. Let me tell you about it.

During the day he run his business, my father saved some money to buy a land. After that he bought some bricks, then iron, river stone, cement, and other things to build a house. We first built a house with only half of the wall is bricked. The other half used bamboo. With no ceramics but only soil. And no electricity. True story.
We stand for months wihtout electricity. Just lighted up 'cerosene lamp' that every time we woke up with black nose because of the smoke we breathe haha.

Then we started to literally build our home with our own hands. We made bricks,cultivated the soil and cement, built the wall, then the rooms, and so on. As an amateur, we did it as good as we could. Eventhough maybe it was still so rough and messy. But we love it. We love what we do together.

Until now that house still being 'work in process'. We need a lot of money to renovate it all at once, so.. maybe later. That's why i really want to have a good job with good salary so i can support my family and build them a decent house and life. In the making.

There are still so many 'unique' things that my family do in our lives. Until now we're still struggling to survive in this live. I have got a job but it seems like i haven't done anything valuable to my family. I still have so many dreams and hope for them. I don't wanna see them struggle for the entire of their life. I wanna see them happy everyday.

My parents have tought me how to face bitter conditions. How to stay strong and creative in cheating this life. Because like my father said "there's nothing impossible. Nothing we cannot do. If we can see it, then we absolutely can do it."
My father showed me that have to fight for everything we dream of. With anything we have, anything we can. Because nothing can stop us. Not that unlucky conditions as well.
Bitter conditions should make us stronger. And more creative.
He doesn't need to tell me all of that lessons. I have known it from long time ago with everything i see.

My mother? She is the strongest woman i've ever known. I know that she can always abandon my father because of his condition. (It nealry happened once, when they had a big fight when i was 8). But still, she chose to be with her husband, to support him, support our fanily with anything she could do. I realize that sometimes she thinks of her opportunity to get a job and abandon the family (not permanently, of course). But she never really do that. Later i found out that she couldn't left my father for so long time because they need each other.

Everytime they had big fight and my mother back to my grandparent's house, i saw my father really sad. And he told me that he really loves her. Things that made them fight was because he didn't want to see my mother work so hard and risk her health. Well after some days finally they could resolve their problem.

The lesson is, everyone has their own thoughts. And sometimes it can start a fight. Different opinion, different point of view. But by the name of love, sure we can solve all of these problems.

I learn a lot of things from my parents. Maybe they aren't the best parents in the world. They don't give me the same things like my friends' parents do to their children. But what i'm saying is that i am so proud about them. I'm so proud to have parents that teach me so many life lessons that i can bring in my own life. I'm proud of our past, out present, and can't wait to see how proud i am with our future.
Eventhough it's still so long way to go to make them all happy and proud of me, but i'm on my way.

I learned to:
- always work hard to achieve anything we want
- be creative. Nothing's impossible, so just do whatever in front of our eyes. Dream big, but live our nearest present first
- live modestly
- never undervalue other people. Everyone has gone through so many things that we don't know. They have their own problems, so don't judge or undervalue them
- keep on going and live our lives eventhough people thinks we won't make it. Remember, miracle exists
- don't look at what others' have. But look at how hard their struggle to achieve that
- be patient. With hard work, we can achieve our dreams, one by one
- never leave your family. Or your significant ones. The people you really love. Always support them, love them, be there for them, and help them to be anything they were meant to be.

Thanks for all the lessons. And i still learn from you all until now.
I hope you're also proud to have me as your daughter, bu, pah.

Stuck. Let me go

It's 2 a.m already, and i'm still at the office.
Gosh, i really have to figure out how to go outa here!
I'm so tired!

Let me go!

Let it be

Halo.

Lagi agak mellow. Well, not that mellow sih. Capek juga ya mellow terus haha.
Cuma pengen share aja cerita yang sebenernya mungkin udah sering banget terjadi di aku.

So sekarang ceritanya aku lagi agak deket sama cowok. Ya temen sih. Aku sih ngerasanya deket ya, tapi gatau dia nya nganggep apa haha.
He is my college friend. Kenal udah lama, sejak awal masuk kuliah. Pas dulu sih ga deket, ya. Cuma sekelompok pas ospek dan sempet bebetapa kali sekelas aja. Tapi yaudah gitu doang. Gak pernah komunikasi intens.

Trus beberapa bulan lalu (kalo gak salag sekitar Oktober or sebelumnya) tiba tiba dia contact aku. Sempet surprised banget. Tapi awalnya ya aku mikirnya biasa aj, kayak temen lama yang kembali menjalin komunikasi aja. Akhirnya berlanjut deh tuh komunikasi, sampe sekarang.

Selama kita intens komunikasi, aku jadi semakin tau dia itu orangnya kayak gimana. Yang agak agak absurd tapi seru. Yang agak 'gila', tapi justru itu yang bikin dia jadi beda sama yang lain. Dan itu yang bikin aku bisa betah lama lama whatsapan sama dia.
Dan yah.. entah kenapa aku ngerasa kalo kita nyambung aja.

Sempet sih beberapa kali dia lempar kode (aku anggap aja kode ya) yg bikin aku agak agak gimanaa gitu. Sok sok kirim emoticon bunga lah, ngomong ini lah, janji ngajak nonton ini lqh, bla bla. It really made me GR. Sampe akhirnya dia juga cerita kalo dia dulu suka banget bikin GR cewek dengan muji muji cewek itu, pokoknya sampe cewek itu GR. trus kalo cewek itu udah mulai suka, dia tinggalin. Jahat banget kan. Aku gatau apa maksud dia cerita itu ke aku. Dia gak lupa kan kali aku juga cewek? Aku sempet protes sih sama dia tentang kelakuan dia itu.

Intinya sekarang aku malah jadi mikir, apa aku ya yang sekarang digituin? Bukannya mau suudzon, tapi yang namanya dulu udah pernah ngelakuin itu kan brarti ada kemungkinan buat berlaku kayak gitu lagi kan?
Soalnya jujur aja aku sekarang udah mulai ngerasa care sama dia. Entah sejak kapan aku juga ga tau. Tiba tiba aja mulai care sama dia, sayang. Cuma ya gatau dianya gimana ke aku.

Awalnya mungkin aku emang sempet GR ya. Soalnya beberapa kali kita sempet ketwmu (baru dua kali sih selama kita deket) kayaknya gesture kita udah kayak gesture orang yang pacaran. Dan aku ngerasa nyaman aja jalan sama dia. You.know, semacam ngerasain lagi rasa nyaman sama cowok setelah udah lama gak ngerasain pasca putus dulu. Udah lama banget kan. Makanya aku juga bingung kenapa gitu. Apa iya aku udah mulai suka sama dia? Hmm

Tapi aku gamau ke GR an lama lama. Apalagi pas tau fakta kalo dia jarang (ato bahkan gakpernah) mau buat sedikitpun berusaha ketemu sama aku. Alasannya jauh lah, sibuk lah, dll. Emang sih kadang dia cerita kalo dia beneran lagi sibuk disuruh.ini itu. I can understand. Tapu masa iya sih gak biaa diusahain sekaliiii aja. Kan aku juga kangen banget sama dia. Pengen ketemu dia :(

Tuh kan kayaknya sekarang malah aku yang jatoh di lubang patah hati.
Sekarang juga malah rasanya semakin jauh. Semakin jarang komunikasi. Let say dia.lagi sibuk ngurusin skripai dan nunggu sidang ya (which is true). Ato mungkin juga dia udah mulai nyadar kalo aku mulai suka dan dia mulai menjauh :( nasib aku sama aja dong kayak.cewek cewek yang dia deketin dulu :(

Padahal andai dia tau ya, selama.ini aku seneng banget dia perhatian bgt pas aku lagi sakit. Yah walopun pas sakit terakhir kemaren aku pengen dia ada di deket aku karna waktu itu sakitnya banget banget dan aku ga punya siapa siapa buat diajak ngobrol ato sekedar menguatkan.
Andai dia tau kalo aku bemer bener kuatir sama dia waktu dia sakit tapi aku ga bisa ngelakuin apa apa. Waktu dia cerita kalo rumahnya kemalingan. Waktu dia cerita waktu ayah sama ibu nya sempet sakit dulu. Aku bener bener kuatir dan pengen bisa care, cuma aku gatau harus sebatas apa. Pacar bukan, temen doang.
Andai dia tau kalo aku kuatir banget pas dia belum dapet dapet tanggal sidang. Aku cukup ngerti lah gimana perjuangan skripai dia selama ini. Pas tinggal selangkah lagi malah seakan dipersulit gini :(

Mudah mudahan dia dikasih kelancaran pas sidang nanti sampe lulus. Aamiin. Semoga juga dilancarkan dalam mencari pekerjaan, karna dia udah pengen banget cepet cepet kerja.

Makanya aku gatau harua gimana sekaramg. Aku gatau dia kayak gimana karna dia emang susah banget ditebak orangnya. Sekarang cuma bisa nunggu aja kelanjutannya gimana. Apa aku beneran masuk ke kategori cewek yang cuma dikasih harapan dan dibikin GR doang, ato apa.

Cuma kalo mau jujur sih aku udah mulai sayang sama dia. Well, terlepas dari berapa banyak beda nya di antara kita ya. I dont know why.
So paling aku cuma bisa dalam kapasitas support dia melewati masa masa sulit ini. Sampe akhirnya dia bener bener lulus. Berhasil. Gak akan aku tinggalin kok. Walopun dia udah mulai jauh juga.

I just want to see him succeed. And support him to be anything he wants to be.
Im sure that he will find his way to success. Kalopun cuma bisa liat dari jauh, aku pasti bakalan selalu doain dia kok. Always.

For now he is every minute in my every day, kalo mengutip apa kata Michael Buble.
Tapi gatau dia nya gimana ya.
Sampe beneran gak ada ruang lagi buat yang lain. Sebesar apapun orang lain berusaha buat masuk, gak akan bisa. Karena semuanya udah penuh sama dia. Sampai saat ini.

Nah makanya gimana ending nya ya liat aja nanti.
Apapun lah. Let it be.

buat yang tersayang

Hai bu... pah... Dila kangen :(

pengen pulang tapi belum bisa-bisa..
maaf kalo aku ga bisa usahain buat pulang setiap bulan. maaf kalo aku selalu bikin ibu sama papah kangen, selalu nanyain kapan pulang, kapan pulang...
aku juga pengen banget selalu pulang. kalopun tiap minggu aku bisa pulang, aku pasti pulang.

maaf kalo sampe saat ini aku belum bisa ngasih apa-apa. selama ini aku baru bisa bantu dikit banget. aku belum bisa bikinin ibu sama papah rumah... bikinin usaha.. pokoknya apapun yang penting ibu sama papah bisa selalu bahagia. maaf kalo semua mimpi itu masih tertunda sampai detik ini.

tapi aku janji kok bakalan selalu berjuang buat wujudin itu semua. aku ga mau liat ibu sama papah hidup pas-pasan terus. aku ga mau liat ibu sama papah masih pusing mikirin hidup di hari tua kalian. sekarang lagi dalam proses buat menuju ke sana kok...

gapapa aku aja yang kerja keras. aku aja yang harus kerja sampe pagi. yang penting ibu sama papah jaga kesehatan. gausah terlalu ngoyo kerja karna aku tau kalian semakin lama udah semakin menua. biar aku aja yang cari. Insya Allah pasti ada jalan kok.

walopun mungkin di tengah jalan aku jadi semakin sibuk dan sampe gak sempet buat telpon atau nanyain kabar ibu sama papah. aku bener-bener gak ada maksud buat cuek kok, beneran. cuma kadang emang beneran ga sempet buat pegang HP ato telpon. kalo aku baru pulang pas udah malem banget, aku ga mungkin kan telpon malem malem di saat ibu sama papah mungkin udah tidur...
tapi makasih banget bu, pah, selama ini udah sms duluan nanyain kabar. bahkan waktu aku sendiri lupa sama kondisi diri aku sendiri,ibu sama papah yang selalu nanyain..

tenang aja bu, pah, walopun aku di sini kadang kerjanya gila gilaan, hampir selalu lembur dan pulang pagi, tapi aku insya allah kuat kok. demi ibu sama papah. walopun badan sampe rontok dan semakin mengurus, gapapa. karena mungkin saat ini ya segini inilah porsiku. emang harus melewati tahap ini.

selama ini aku juga jaga banget biar gak ngeluh di depan ibu sama papah. aku ga mau nantinya ibu sama papah malah kepikiran. walopun tiap aku ngeluh ujung-ujungnya malah 'disentil' dan diingetin kalo itu semua udah keputusan aku sendiri, jadi ga boleh nyesel dan ngeluh. tapi aku tau, walopun ibu sama papah ga suka liat aku ngeluh, tapi pasti kalian juga ga tega kan kalo liat aku kayak gini? makanya mending aku gausah cerita aja sekalian. bukannya ga mau terbuka sama orang tua, tapi aku mending cerita yang seneng-seneng aja. biar ibu sama papah ga kepikiran.

aku berusaha terus biar selalu sehat. walopun kadang akhirnya ambruk juga, sampe harus ke RS beberapa kali, tapi insya allah masih kuat kok. maaf juga aku ga pernah bilang kalo aku sakit. kembali lagi, aku ga mau bikin ibu sama papah kuatir. aku bisa kuat kok walopun lagi sakit juga. masih ada temen-temen di sekitar sini yang lebih deket dan bisa dimintain tolong. walopun jujur tiap aku sakit, mau sakit yang seremeh apapun, pasti aku pengen banget ada di deket ibu sama papah. tapi daripada ngerepotin ya mending gausah. kasian kalo harus jauh-jauh dateng ke sini.

yang penting di sana ibu sama papah juga selalu sehat. aku suka kuatir banget kalo denger ibu ato papah udah mulai sakit. pengen bisa pulang, tapi susah. pengen banget rasanya beliin ibu sama papah asuransi kesehatan, jadi kalo sakit apapun bisa langsung ditangani dan terjamin. tapi sampe sekarang aku masih belum bisa kasih itu ke ibu sama papah :(

aku pengen banget bisa kumpul lagi kayak dulu. lengkap sekeluarga. tapi hidup udah ngasih jalan kayak gini. semakin dewasa pasti kita semakin berpencar. cari peruntungannya masing-masing. aku tau sih kalo tiap malem ibu sama papah kesepian. Sandi sama Raihan sering banget keluar kan, kasian ibu sama papah ga ada yang nemenin :(
aku pengen kita bisa ngumpul lagi. mungkin gak semua, tapi yang penting ibu sama papah ada yang jagain. makanya aku pengen banget bisa beliin rumah di Jogja.. biar bisa gampang pulang pergi.

doain aku ya bu, pah, biar aku dikasih kekuatan dan kemudahan buat wujudin itu semua. aku kerja juga buat ibu sama papah. buat Sandi sama Raihan juga. aku ga punya siapa-siapa lagi yang lebih penting dibanding kalian kan. untuk saat ini. mudah-mudahan kita bisa hidup semakin sejahtera nantinya. aamiin

doain aku biar selalu dikasih kesehatan. dan kelancaran untuk semua cita-cita dan impianku. doain aku biar bisa dapet tempat yang lebih baik dari ini, biar aku ga perlu kerja sampe lupa pulang kayak gini. biar aku juga bisa bagi waktu buat diriku sendiri sama buat ibu sama papah. doain aku biar bisa balik lagi ke Unilever. insya Allah di sana bakal jauh lebih baik semua-muanya.

masalah aku yang sampe saat ini masih sendiri, ibu sama papah jangan kuatir. aku juga mikirin itu kok. aku ngerti kalo mungkin ibu sama papah takut aku terlalu mikirin karir sampe lupa kodrat sebagai perempuan. aku gak lupa kok. dan aku juga emang ngerasa butuh. pasangan. pendamping. aku cuma ga mau tergesa-gesa dan salah pilih.
bukannya selektif, aku cuma pengen laki-laki yang baik dan ga macem-macem kok. dan jaman sekarang ini rasanya susah banget nemuin laki-laki yang lurus lurus aja dan ga macem macem. ibu sama papah tenang aja, laki laki baik itu pasti bakalan dateng kok.

mudah-mudahan nanti siapapun yang beneran niat dateng bisa gampang nyambung sama ibu ma papah. karna aku tau lah sebagai anak perempuan satu satunya, anak pertama pula, mungkin ibu sama papah bakal lumayan protektif. tapi percaya aja, aku ga mungkin ngenalin kalian ke laki laki yang aku tau banget kalian ga akan pernah setuju. aku bakal ngenalin kalian sama laki laki yang baik, yang insya allah bisa jagain putri kalian ini.

siapapun yang aku kenalin ke kalian nantinya, insya allah dia yang aku yakini bisa jadi partner hidup aku. jadi teman hidup aku. jadi orang yang bisa kalian percayai buat sayangin aku. so, kalian ga perlu kuatir :)

aku cuma minta doa doa dan doa. karena tanpa ada doa restu dari kalian semua hal di atas ga akan bisa tercapai.

mungkin seharusnya aku sampaiin ini langsung ke ibu sama papah. mungkin harusnya aku ngomong langsung aja. tapi nyatanya aku bukan tipe anak yang bisa dengan leluasa nyampaiin hal hal sebesar dan sebanyak ini. aku emang gak pinter dalam hal nunjukin rasa sayang aku ke kalian pake kata-kata. begitupun juga sebaliknya. hahahah aneh ya. tapi aku tau kok kalo ibu sama papah sayang banget sama aku. dan sebaliknya :)

take good care.
your lovely only daughter,
Dila